[His legs are out in front of him on the floor, and he lets his arms droop down to join them. He stares straight ahead and looks like a discarded doll, with his little friendly rounded fingers and exaggerated eyelashes.]
IT DOESN'T WORK WITH THE ACT, YOU KNOW? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AN ANCIENT FORCE THAT MOVES THE COSMOS AND NOT NEED ANYBODY, AND NOT REALLY BE SAD OR HAPPY OR ANYTHING. THE AXOLOTL DOESN'T MISS ANYBODY, I BET. NOTHING EVER TOUCHES IT.
[He blinks, breaks the strange illusion of lifelessness, looks up at Ford.]
I'M NOT, THOUGH. I PICKED UP 'BILL CIPHER' TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO ON A WHIM. I'VE GOT A REAL NAME. I WASN'T EVEN AS OLD AS YOU WERE WHEN I LEFT MY DIMENSION THE FIRST TIME. I'M JUST A GUY. I SCREW UP A LOT. I GUESS I JUST HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME. YOU MAKE ME HAPPY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT, HUH?
[Ford...reaches a decision. It's not a decision he can put into words, it's more of a shifting of feelings and intentions and wants as they snap into a new position. ...not that Ford's ever been able to put many of his feelings into words, anyway, at least when they're not on a page.
He drops down to a crouch in front of Bill, resting a forearm on one knee, the other knee on the ground.]
Well, I'm just a guy, too. And I also happen to screw up a lot. But I like you, Bill. Not the powers that let you manipulate the cosmos -- you. I don't want you to be untouchable. Exactly the opposite of that, actually.
HEH. YOU REMEMBER - YOU YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID WHEN I FIRST LET YOU OUT OF YOUR DEAL AND YOU WERE TRYING TO GUESS WHO IT WAS I GOT ATTACHED TO? YOU SAID WHOEVER IT WAS WOULD HAVE TO BE "CERTIFIABLY INSANE, WITH VERY QUESTIONABLE JUDGMENT AND THE GREATEST CAPACITY FOR FORGIVENESS YOU'D EVER SEEN IN ANY DIMENSION."
[Bill clambers to his feet. Yeah, he's been reading back through their recorded conversations during this soul-searching break.]
THAT'S YOU, KID. THE FIRST PART ASIDE. I'M NOT THE GUY TO JUDGE ABOUT WHO IS OR ISN'T SANE, YA KNOW.
[So, deal with that. Huh. Bill puts a light kiss on Ford's hand.]
[He lets out a laugh, both at the reminder of what he'd said and the kiss to his hand. You goofball. Brightly:]
I think both our sanities are fairly questionable, yes.
[They're cartoons. Creations of someone else, brought to life. But Bill understands that, understands that tightrope they walk between reality as they experience it and the things they've seen, and to fall off of it is to fall into paralyzing existential despair. Maybe the effects of that look like insanity from the outside. But they understand each other.
Even if they are completely insane by the standards of this dimension -- they make each other happy. What's wrong with that, huh?
More seriously:]
I've never been a forgiving person. I moved past what you did to me for thirty years because I had to, or else I wouldn't get anywhere. I believed you wouldn't do it again if you could help it, and that had to be enough.
This is different. This is -- more than just enough. It's--
[It's not a situation he's making himself accept the bad parts of because the alternative is worse.
Sure, it wasn't easy, thinking he might have meant nothing to Bill all this time. But the break gave him the perspective he needed to realize the things he'd been doing wrong this whole time.
hey remember how he was manipulating you back and the whole thing was also a play for control from him? yeah.
He grips Bill's hands in his own, and he feels a giddy surge of happiness as he says:]
It's a lot easier to forgive some guy than an inexorable cosmic force, you know.
Edited (changed dialogue to meta) Date: 2019-12-05 04:10 pm (UTC)
[In any other tone, this could be asking for pity; it isn't. He's saying he's aware of it, not asking Ford to argue.]
I WAS THINKING YOU DESERVED BETTER THAN ME, SO I SHOULDA LET YOU FIND SOMEONE ELSE... BUT, Y'KNOW. I REALIZED THAT WASN'T ME THINKING ABOUT YOU, IT WAS JUST AN EXCUSE NOT TO HAVE TO BE BETTER.
[I mean, they're both agreed. Bill has been a real jerk. You know, historically.
But also. Wow. That is some serious self-reflection and self-knowledge, and Ford's a little bowled over by how impressed he is. This is way beyond anything he ever expected.]
I'd be happy to give you a chance. And I -- I'll try to be better, too. No more underhanded trying to use the fact that you like me to make you do what I want.
HEY, IF YOU CAN BE OKAY WITH ME, THE LEAST I CAN DO IS FORGIVE YOU TOO. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT, ANYWAY. YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING. AND LOOK AT YOU NOW, HUH? INMATE OF YOUR OWN.
Eesh, don't say that. I don't like being used to further the Authority's ratings any more from this position. I still can't go home, and the problems I have with this ship still exist. I'm glad to be alive, but that's it.
I think it's still too early to do anything about it, since I won't get any older on the Barge, or in Gravity Falls if I'm pulled back against my will. But, when it becomes relevant, I'm open to the possibility.
It's strange, not having the burden of fighting Bill, or stopping him, or watching for an escape, or devising an alternative hanging over him. He's carried that weight for half his life. And even though he's had a few weeks to get used to the idea, to let go of Bill being his responsibility, he's still felt Bill's absence, even though other people crowded into his life, keeping him from being really alone. It wasn't the same. It wasn't him.
Having Bill back, being wanted, it's -- it is just as exciting when it's just a guy as it was when it was an unstoppable force of chaos and madness. It still makes him feel significant. He breaks into a laugh again, one with just a hint of hysteria.]
I want you back. It isn't the same without you. It's just a bunch of safe side projects and conflicting data and dealing with other demons smelling up my living room.
I'm not dreaming, am I? There's not a flood due yet, but the last breach threw all my timers out of whack. Tell me this is actually happening. That it won't be gone in a week.
[Absolutely yes kiss time. There's the short one Bill starts, and then there's the second one Ford starts, which involves pushing Bill a few inches backward in the air out of enthusiasm. Ford can kiss better than this when he's thinking about it but right now he's not going for cinematic 80s movie kiss, it's more like being pounced on: genuine, full of uncontrolled affection, and maybe a little overwhelming. It's maybe two or three times the length of the first. Missed you!]
[That is a lot of enthusiasm - not that he's protesting. He pulls them both upwards so they're closer to Ford's eye level before it breaks and lets it sweep him up, responds with relief and real emotion.]
[The frankly Mabel-like energy carries through the kiss; it breaks and he looks up at Bill, and he's grinning.
This isn't going to be perfect. They'll still hit snags, and they'll definitely argue, and they should probably do something about how Bill feels like he's lost and also isn't sure what else he wants out of life, and the Barge will hit them with curveballs regardless, but they'll figure it out. They have way better odds of figuring it out now than they did three months ago.]
Mm! Aha ha ha, I--I meant what we've been up to, Bill!
[Ford's tone, posture, and general manner all express delight, though. He makes no effort to extract himself from this very friendly set of alien hands he's found himself in the middle of. You scallywag.
(Also he's been sadness-exercising very consistently for like over two months, please notice.)]
[He can't help a brief, contented sigh, though. It's not much more than a breath, but he has missed Bill enough, and trusts Bill to read any tension in his muscles enough, that being cuddled outside of clear romantic activities doesn't bother him the way it otherwise might. The trust levels are high, and so is the oxytocin.]
I'm making progress on the ship, and on Misty Day's pet-owner entanglement project. Besides that, I've kept an eye on the watches, and I've got some rather frustrating data on floods and breaches.
[He wiggles a hand so it is in Bill's, and he winds his other arm so Bill's is wrapped around it. Just gonna get comfy here, don't mind him.]
I'll probably compile a report after the next time we make port. There haven't been any involuntary disappearances so far, which is good for the passengers, but...it does mean research is at a standstill.
PET ENTANGLEMENT? ARE WE MAKING HUMAN-ANIMALS AGAIN?
[Bill squeezes Ford's hand and pecks him on the cheek. Yessss, a good cuddle. Bill has no cuddle discomfort. Bill will be parked on Ford any time any day for any reason.]
[Yikeseydaisy, that was a bad time for a lot of folks. Ford got off relatively easy, but it messed a lot of people up.]
It's meant to quantum-entangle Barge pets with their owners. That way, if someone goes back home unexpectedly, we aren't stuck with a bunch of animals running around the ship.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 04:42 am (UTC)[His legs are out in front of him on the floor, and he lets his arms droop down to join them. He stares straight ahead and looks like a discarded doll, with his little friendly rounded fingers and exaggerated eyelashes.]
IT DOESN'T WORK WITH THE ACT, YOU KNOW? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AN ANCIENT FORCE THAT MOVES THE COSMOS AND NOT NEED ANYBODY, AND NOT REALLY BE SAD OR HAPPY OR ANYTHING. THE AXOLOTL DOESN'T MISS ANYBODY, I BET. NOTHING EVER TOUCHES IT.
[He blinks, breaks the strange illusion of lifelessness, looks up at Ford.]
I'M NOT, THOUGH. I PICKED UP 'BILL CIPHER' TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO ON A WHIM. I'VE GOT A REAL NAME. I WASN'T EVEN AS OLD AS YOU WERE WHEN I LEFT MY DIMENSION THE FIRST TIME. I'M JUST A GUY. I SCREW UP A LOT. I GUESS I JUST HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME. YOU MAKE ME HAPPY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT, HUH?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 05:12 am (UTC)He drops down to a crouch in front of Bill, resting a forearm on one knee, the other knee on the ground.]
Well, I'm just a guy, too. And I also happen to screw up a lot. But I like you, Bill. Not the powers that let you manipulate the cosmos -- you. I don't want you to be untouchable. Exactly the opposite of that, actually.
[He extends his hand.]
I accept your apology.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 05:35 am (UTC)HEH. YOU REMEMBER - YOU YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID WHEN I FIRST LET YOU OUT OF YOUR DEAL AND YOU WERE TRYING TO GUESS WHO IT WAS I GOT ATTACHED TO? YOU SAID WHOEVER IT WAS WOULD HAVE TO BE "CERTIFIABLY INSANE, WITH VERY QUESTIONABLE JUDGMENT AND THE GREATEST CAPACITY FOR FORGIVENESS YOU'D EVER SEEN IN ANY DIMENSION."
[Bill clambers to his feet. Yeah, he's been reading back through their recorded conversations during this soul-searching break.]
THAT'S YOU, KID. THE FIRST PART ASIDE. I'M NOT THE GUY TO JUDGE ABOUT WHO IS OR ISN'T SANE, YA KNOW.
[So, deal with that. Huh. Bill puts a light kiss on Ford's hand.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 04:09 pm (UTC)I think both our sanities are fairly questionable, yes.
[They're cartoons. Creations of someone else, brought to life. But Bill understands that, understands that tightrope they walk between reality as they experience it and the things they've seen, and to fall off of it is to fall into paralyzing existential despair. Maybe the effects of that look like insanity from the outside. But they understand each other.
Even if they are completely insane by the standards of this dimension -- they make each other happy. What's wrong with that, huh?
More seriously:]
I've never been a forgiving person. I moved past what you did to me for thirty years because I had to, or else I wouldn't get anywhere. I believed you wouldn't do it again if you could help it, and that had to be enough.
This is different. This is -- more than just enough. It's--
[It's not a situation he's making himself accept the bad parts of because the alternative is worse.
Sure, it wasn't easy, thinking he might have meant nothing to Bill all this time. But the break gave him the perspective he needed to realize the things he'd been doing wrong this whole time.
hey remember how he was manipulating you back and the whole thing was also a play for control from him? yeah.
He grips Bill's hands in his own, and he feels a giddy surge of happiness as he says:]
It's a lot easier to forgive some guy than an inexorable cosmic force, you know.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 04:26 pm (UTC)[In any other tone, this could be asking for pity; it isn't. He's saying he's aware of it, not asking Ford to argue.]
I WAS THINKING YOU DESERVED BETTER THAN ME, SO I SHOULDA LET YOU FIND SOMEONE ELSE... BUT, Y'KNOW. I REALIZED THAT WASN'T ME THINKING ABOUT YOU, IT WAS JUST AN EXCUSE NOT TO HAVE TO BE BETTER.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 04:39 pm (UTC)But also. Wow. That is some serious self-reflection and self-knowledge, and Ford's a little bowled over by how impressed he is. This is way beyond anything he ever expected.]
I'd be happy to give you a chance. And I -- I'll try to be better, too. No more underhanded trying to use the fact that you like me to make you do what I want.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 06:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 06:25 pm (UTC)Eesh, don't say that. I don't like being used to further the Authority's ratings any more from this position. I still can't go home, and the problems I have with this ship still exist. I'm glad to be alive, but that's it.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 07:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 07:20 pm (UTC)I think it's still too early to do anything about it, since I won't get any older on the Barge, or in Gravity Falls if I'm pulled back against my will. But, when it becomes relevant, I'm open to the possibility.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 07:25 pm (UTC)I WANT A FUTURE WITH YOU. AND I WANT TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT I TOOK, TOO.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 08:12 pm (UTC)It's strange, not having the burden of fighting Bill, or stopping him, or watching for an escape, or devising an alternative hanging over him. He's carried that weight for half his life. And even though he's had a few weeks to get used to the idea, to let go of Bill being his responsibility, he's still felt Bill's absence, even though other people crowded into his life, keeping him from being really alone. It wasn't the same. It wasn't him.
Having Bill back, being wanted, it's -- it is just as exciting when it's just a guy as it was when it was an unstoppable force of chaos and madness. It still makes him feel significant. He breaks into a laugh again, one with just a hint of hysteria.]
I want you back. It isn't the same without you. It's just a bunch of safe side projects and conflicting data and dealing with other demons smelling up my living room.
I'm not dreaming, am I? There's not a flood due yet, but the last breach threw all my timers out of whack. Tell me this is actually happening. That it won't be gone in a week.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 08:14 pm (UTC)[Gentle. He cups Ford's cheek - god Bill really missed him.]
BUT AS FAR AS I KNOW FROM WHERE I'M STANDING, THIS IS HAPPENING.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 08:34 pm (UTC)Then I'm going to trust it.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 08:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 08:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 09:02 pm (UTC)[That is a lot of enthusiasm - not that he's protesting. He pulls them both upwards so they're closer to Ford's eye level before it breaks and lets it sweep him up, responds with relief and real emotion.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 09:37 pm (UTC)This isn't going to be perfect. They'll still hit snags, and they'll definitely argue, and they should probably do something about how Bill feels like he's lost and also isn't sure what else he wants out of life, and the Barge will hit them with curveballs regardless, but they'll figure it out. They have way better odds of figuring it out now than they did three months ago.]
We've got some catching up to do.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 09:40 pm (UTC)[Bill's limbs all octopus over Ford, here they come.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 10:04 pm (UTC)[Ford's tone, posture, and general manner all express delight, though. He makes no effort to extract himself from this very friendly set of alien hands he's found himself in the middle of. You scallywag.
(Also he's been sadness-exercising very consistently for like over two months, please notice.)]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 10:21 pm (UTC)[The four hands Bill has now divert themselves to more platonic areas, but aren't leaving. He just transitions it to a tangly cuddle.]
YEAH, YEAH. TALK TO ME.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 10:45 pm (UTC)I'm making progress on the ship, and on Misty Day's pet-owner entanglement project. Besides that, I've kept an eye on the watches, and I've got some rather frustrating data on floods and breaches.
[He wiggles a hand so it is in Bill's, and he winds his other arm so Bill's is wrapped around it. Just gonna get comfy here, don't mind him.]
I'll probably compile a report after the next time we make port. There haven't been any involuntary disappearances so far, which is good for the passengers, but...it does mean research is at a standstill.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 10:49 pm (UTC)[Bill squeezes Ford's hand and pecks him on the cheek. Yessss, a good cuddle. Bill has no cuddle discomfort. Bill will be parked on Ford any time any day for any reason.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 10:59 pm (UTC)Oh, goodness no.
[Yikeseydaisy, that was a bad time for a lot of folks. Ford got off relatively easy, but it messed a lot of people up.]
It's meant to quantum-entangle Barge pets with their owners. That way, if someone goes back home unexpectedly, we aren't stuck with a bunch of animals running around the ship.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 11:01 pm (UTC)[It's a quality of life thing, for some people, or something.]
WHAT'D YOU GET ABOUT FLOODS?
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:content warning: harm to children mentioned, eugenics
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:more eugenics stuff, ableist language
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: