[When Bill starts talking about math, Ford's expression changes -- softens. This is far from the first time he's heard Bill get excited enough about math to start on a tangent about it, but this is the first time it's been in the context of something Bill wants -- something he saw, very early in his life, and it's beautiful. Ford listens, more than a little spellbound --
-- and only snaps out of it at the idea of Bill in the army. He can't help it -- he gives a short ha!]
[Bill gives him a tired little eye-smile. Heyy, joke landed.]
MY PARENTS WERE BOTH ISOSCELES, BUT SOMETIMES STUFF HAPPENS! THEIR FIRST TWO KIDS WERE BOTH IRREGULAR! MY OFFICIAL ANGLES ARE 62, 59, 59.
[He stays still, touches his points as he narrates. Top one is the obtuse angle.]
YOU NEEDED INSTRUMENTS TO MEASURE IT, OTHERWISE I JUST LOOK SIXTY-SIXTY-SIXTY!
[Shrug. It clearly isn't a big deal, any rational person can see it's not a big deal.]
BUT THEY DID HAVE INSTRUMENTS, SO THE ULTIMATUM WAS THAT I HAD UNTIL FOURTEEN OR SO FOR THE DEFORMITY TO CLEAR UP! DISPOSAL OF KIDS LIKE ME WAS THE POLICY - MY PARENTS WERE GOING TO HAND ME OVER SO THAT WHATEVER MADE ME THE WRONG KIND OF SHAPE WOULDN'T GET PASSED ON INTO THE GENERAL GENETIC SUPPLY! EVEN THOUGH IT WAS TECHNICALLY THEIR FAULT. IT DIDN'T GO OVER WELL WHEN I SAID WE SHOULD KILL THEM BOTH INSTEAD, YOU CAN IMAGINE. NOT BIG PEOPLE TO TAKE A JOKE, THOSE GUYS.
YOU KNOW, FOR A SOCIETY THAT WAS ALL ABOUT NATURE CREATING THE FITTEST CREATURES NATURALLY, THEY SURE DID A LOT TO MAKE SURE THAT NEW MUTATIONS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BENEFICIAL WERE CUT OFF AT THE ROOT! EVERYONE WAS REAL PUZZLED AT HOW STAGNATED SOCIETY WAS. MYSTERIOUS, WOW.
ANYWAY, THAT'S NOT TO SAY MY PARENTS DIDN'T CARE - THEY CARED A LOT! THEIR REPUTATIONS COULD BE RUINED!
[Wide blinking and pretend shock. Bill puts his hands up to his eye. oh no!
Then he drops it.]
NOT THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAD ANY. THE SOLUTION THAT WAS IN VOGUE WAS MEDICAL TREATMENTS ON IRREGULAR KIDS - IF YOU BREAK UP THEIR FRAME WHILE THEY'RE STILL SOFT, YOU CAN TRY TO RE-SHAPE IT.
[The gesture here is like snapping a little twig.]
MOSTLY IT GOT USED BY MIDDLE NOBILITY WANTING THEIR KIDS TO MOVE UP A CLASS AND TRYING TO FORCE THEM TO GROW ANOTHER SIDE. SOMETIMES IT WORKED! WHAT'S NINE DEAD NORMAL KIDS COMPARED TO ONE KID THAT MAKES A GOOD TROPHY? YOU'VE GOTTA SPEND MONEY TO MAKE MONEY! MY OLDER BROTHER DIED THAT WAY. NEVER EVEN KNEW HIM! I LIVED THROUGH IT, SURE, BUT THEY COULDN'T MAKE ME LOOK NORMAL, SO THAT ALSO COUNTED AS A FAILURE! I THINK MOM AND DAD JUST KEPT PUMPING OUT KIDS AFTER ME TRYING TO GET A GOOD ONE - I DIDN'T KEEP IN TOUCH!
[Something makes him pause, although all of this is said pretty breezily.]
I WONDER IF HE WAS LIKE LUKE.
[This thought seems to actually snag Bill's train of thought to a standstill, and he's clearly struggling with some kind of emotion.]
LUKE REMEMBERS MY PARENTS, NOW. HE HAD THE SAME LIFE, HE PUT UP WITH THE SAME CRAP, IT JUST WENT DIFFERENTLY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE DID. I STILL DON'T REALLY KNOW! HE MUST HAVE ASKED SOMEBODY FOR HELP THAT I NEVER TALKED TO, OR GOTTEN SOMEONE'S ATTENTION, I -...
I CAN'T THINK ABOUT THIS. I WON'T FINISH THE STORY.
[They were right, Bill and Luke. Their world is terrible. Ford's seen some pretty terrible places in his time, and the hallmarks of the worst ones tend to be...well, this kind of thing. Eugenics, authoritarian control, birth into caste systems...social climbing through child surgery is a new one, though. He lets Bill talk, quiet for once in his life, letting the story come out. It was only one degree, he wants to protest, but that isn't the point, is it? It's the fact that irregular shapes were executed at all.
And Bill lost a brother to it. Maybe more. Neither of them will ever know.
[The hand-holding actually derails him completely. He doesn't let Ford pull away, just spends a bit of time holding his hand and with his eye closed and swaying in the air and not really knowing what emotion he's having, just that it's not good.]
UH.
[He continues, but it's more subdued. He's just trying to get through it now.]
SO - SO IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO KNOW THAT MY DAYS WERE NUMBERED. I THOUGHT THE WHOLE THING WAS A RACKET, AT THIS POINT. I KNEW -
NO, I THOUGHT. I THOUGHT EVERY ADULT AROUND ME WAS STUPID. JUST, STUPID AND WITH MORE EXPERIENCE THAN ME. IF I WAS IN CHARGE I'D DO THINGS BETTER - BUT WHO'D EVEN WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF THESE GUYS? SAVE THEM FROM THEMSELVES? PLEASE.
I REMEMBER A LOT OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I WAS SMART, BUT IT WAS ALWAYS RIGHT NEXT TO TELLING ME HOW THAT MEANT I OUGHT TO REALIZE IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST, HOW THIS WAS THE WAY THINGS HAD TO BE.
YOU KNOW THIS WASN'T THE WAY IT HAD TO BE, AND I KNEW IT WASN'T THE WAY THINGS HAD TO BE, BUT BOY DID I HATE THE PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME THAT. THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY DID THINK THAT! PEOPLE WHOSE IMAGINATIONS WERE DEAD, WHO ONLY LOOKED STRAIGHT AHEAD OF THEMSELVES AND TRIED TO CLIMB LITTLE, POINTLESS LADDERS BY SUCKING UP TO A MACHINE BUILT BY POWERFUL LIARS.
[Bitter. He remembers Teddy telling him that he was acting just like the Circles did. He may have become a powerful liar, but petty power, power as a leader of people, or power that comes from money - that's never really interested him. That's a line he won't cross. It's not even an ethical line, it's just a Line.]
I'M NOT THAT ANGRY AT ANY OF THEM INDIVIDUALLY! YOU'D THINK I'D HATE MY PARENTS, BUT I STOPPED TRUSTING THEM WAY BEFORE I KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO HAND ME IN, SO IT DIDN'T HURT.
[He's just kind of. Tired. They tried to have him die, but he actually did kill them - and he didn't even have the excuse of protecting himself.]
THEY WERE JUST PROTECTING THEMSELVES. IF THEY HAD REFUSED TO GIVE ME OVER, I'D JUST HAVE BEEN TAKEN ANYWAY, AND THEY'D HAVE BEEN PUNISHED FOR IT. I THINK THEY WERE JUST COWARDS.
BUT IT DIDN'T HURT. AND SINCE I WAS SMART, I KNEW IT PROBABLY WAS SUPPOSED TO HURT! AROUND THIS TIME WAS WHEN I FIGURED OUT THAT WHATEVER MADE ME COME OUT WRONG MADE MY MIND WORK DIFFERENTLY, TOO. THAT'S HOW THE SCIENCE WAS, IN THE SECOND DIMENSION! A PERFECT FRAME MEANT A PERFECT MIND! MORE ANGLES MEANT MORE BRAINS!
[Ford has no idea how to help here, but he can leave his hand where it is, if that's where Bill wants it. He feels a lot of sympathy here, a lot of understanding about just what circumstances Bill grew up in, about a place where being weird didn't mean you were made fun of, it meant you were dead. Where no one Bill knew, not even his family, could be trusted not to hand him in. Where everyone was afraid.]
Surely you don't believe that.
[That's the most ridiculous pseudoscience he's heard since phrenology got debunked.]
That's like saying movie stars must be geniuses because their faces are symmetrical!
[He's just messing around; he goes to beep Ford's nose.]
NAH, I KNOW. I KNEW BACK THEN! BUT, YOU KNOW, STOPPED CLOCKS, I GUESS - I JUST MEAN THAT FOR A LONG TIME I THOUGHT THEY GOT IT RIGHT WITH ME!
[The bend in his eye is shaped like a smile but looks pained. Grimace.]
IRREGULARS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE EITHER FEEBLE OR DERANGED, AND I'M A FULL-BLOWN NUTCASE. AND A LOT OF IT'S JUST HOW I POPPED OUT OF THE EGG. BEFORE LUKE TURNED INTO ME, I'D NEVER MET ANOTHER IRREGULAR. I DIDN'T KNOW IF WE WERE ALL LIKE THIS, OR WHAT.
YOU KNOW THIS STUFF ALREADY. IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME, NORMALLY. I WOULDN'T BE HALF AS GOOD AS WHAT I DO WITHOUT IT! THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HURT JUST ROLL RIGHT OFF ME. OTHER PEOPLE HESITATE AND I DON'T EVEN SLOW DOWN.
I'M THINKING A LOT MORE ABOUT IT LATELY, THOUGH. PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO HESITATE ON KILLING EACH OTHER FOR A REASON ... I'M JUST DOING THE STEPS OUT OF ORDER.
I TRY TO PUT ALL OF THIS BEHIND ME. I MEAN, YOU DESERVE - YOU DESERVE TO KNOW ABOUT ME, IF YOU WANT TO KNOW. BUT I TOLD LUKE... I LIKE WHO I AM NOW. I'M MY OWN SPECIES, I CAN FLY.... THEY DON'T GET ANY CREDIT FOR MAKING ME, I MADE ME. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACKWARDS JUST TO ANSWER QUESTIONS.
[He turns his hand so their fingers weave together. Would rather not dwell on it. You're only going to get this story once, and after that it'll probably be hard to get him to talk about it again, so he's going to be thorough.]
PLUS, YOU KNOW, IT'S ALL JUST BECAUSE I HAD TO BE WHAT THE SHOW NEEDED FROM ME ANYWAY.
[That one is actual bitterness. THAT one he's not over.]
[He does. He wasn't based on anyone in the Director's family. He was what he needed to be. Three plot devices in a trenchcoat.
He lets their fingers be interlaced, gives a squeeze. He understands the weird mental gymnastics that's needed to be like them, the weird reality-fiction line they walk. Both things are true.]
Ah, not as much anymore. Not now that I have a plan for staying out, and getting my family out, too. I don't like it, but there's nothing I can do about it! I can't change why I was made. Besides, I'm who I am now, not what I was then. I've learned a lot. Changed a lot, too.
[You can tell the story floating back or tangled up, but--they left off with Bill's parents getting ready to kill him before he turned 14, and if it is left there, Ford will wonder forever.]
I want to know what happened -- what you remember.
[Because even if it was made up for the story, it's still important.]
[Bill would prefer to see Ford's face if he's gonna continue, so he floats back again.]
I WAS, JUST. WHERE WAS I. SCARED I WAS GONNA DIE, YEAH. WHEN PEOPLE ARE AFRAID, THEY LEARN HOW TO LIE.
[Another humorless bend of the eye.]
YOU ONLY EVER LIED TO ME SUCCESSFULLY WHEN I HAD THE KIDS, RIGHT?
[When it wasn't really a game any more.]
I WAS A LITTLE TOO, YOU KNOW, INVOLVED WITH MYSELF TO UNDERSTAND THAT EVERYBODY WAS LYING, EVERYBODY IN THE SECOND DIMENSION I EVER MET! EVERYBODY WAS PRETENDING TO BUY WHAT THEY WERE FED, TO KEEP THEMSELVES SAFE, AND KEEP THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THEM HAPPY SAFE. SOME PEOPLE REALLY DID BUY INTO ALL THAT CRAP ABOUT THE ANGLES, BUT MORE PEOPLE THAT I EVER GAVE THE WORLD CREDIT FOR WERE JUST KEEPING THEIR HEADS DOWN TO STAY ALIVE. THERE WAS APPARENTLY A WHOLE REBELLION, AND I MISSED IT! BECAUSE, EH, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE. I DID. I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO HATED LIVING HERE, AND HATED WHAT THE LAW WAS. WHATEVER LYING THEY WERE ALL DOING, IT FOOLED ME.
[The only one in the whole world smart enough to be scared? Yeah, it sounds pretty dumb, now. Bill rubs at his eye.]
I GOT OUT OF DODGE BEFORE MY DEADLINE, OBVIOUSLY! I COULD PASS FOR AN EQUILATERAL UNLESS I WAS ACTUALLY MEASURED BY A DOCTOR, SO I STARTED PRETENDING TO BE ONE. THAT'S ONE CASTE ABOVE MY ACTUAL FAMILY'S, SO IT CAME WITH MORE PERKS! I CHANGED MY NAME. I CAUGHT UP WITH THE EDUCATION AN EQUILATERAL WAS EXPECTED TO HAVE! I FIGURED OUT HOW FAST I COULD LEARN SOMETHING WHEN I WANTED TO! PRETTY FAST, FORDSY.
[Not all of this is the magic, and Bill is arrogant to want that fact out in the open, still. He looks smug, and then - ah, right. Yeah.]
HAVING THE NUMBERS TO PROVE I WAS THE SHARPEST PERSON I KNEW JUST MADE ME THINK MORE AND MORE THAT NOBODY WAS GOING TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS BETTER THAN ME. I TOOK A LOT OF GAMBLES ON THE FACT THAT I COULD JUST OUT-THINK ANY PROBLEM. OR THAT I COULD BE RUTHLESS ENOUGH TO TAKE A ROUTE NO ONE WOULD EXPECT. I STILL DO! I STILL DO. IT'S A MISTAKE, IT GOT ME KILLED.
[Back on that again. He's not gonna get over that. Resolving to do anything necessary to avoid very real mortality at a young age kinda fucked him up.]
ANYWAY, THE MATH! THEY DIDN'T LET EQUILATERALS GO TO UNIVERSITY EITHER, THAT WAS FOR SQUARES OR ABOVE. I DID A LOT OF THINGS THAT WEREN'T TECHNICALLY ILLEGAL, BECAUSE ILLEGAL THINGS WOULD SEND ME SOMEWHERE I DEFINITELY DIDN'T WANT TO BE, BUT WERE JUST SOCIALLY UNTHINKABLE!
[It was a form of vengeance. Bill's a petty bitch. He rubs his little hands.]
BECAUSE I WAS A DEAD GUY WALKING EITHER WAY, RIGHT? I WAS PUSHY. I WASN'T POLITE! I DIDN'T ACT LIKE A GENTLEMAN. THESE THINGS ARE A BIG DEAL, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND! A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE SECOND DIMENSION WOULD RATHER STAND STILL ON FIRE THAN TO LOOK A HIGHER-CLASS IN THE EYE AND TELL THEM TO GET A HOSE. I DIDN'T MAKE A LOT OF FRIENDS, I GOT A REPUTATION AS A WEIRD TROUBLEMAKER, BUT NOT ONE THAT ANYONE COULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT!
[just like here on the barge, wow! why have bad things happen to you when you can be the bad thing that happens to EVERYBODY?]
[Oh, buddy. Ford doesn't move to interrupt, or distract, but yeah -- yeah, he only managed to lie to Bill when it was the kids at stake, when he'd been scared of losing something. It isn't that Ford has a death wish, far from it! But he had accepted ages ago that if losing his life was the price he had to pay to defeat Bill, he would give it gladly.
He didn't feel the same about the kids'.
He listens, and his brows crease sympathetically as Bill admits that everyone else had had him fooled by pretending to be happy in second-dimension society. That'd be a humbling thing for anyone to realize. Those poor organisms, all of them -- what a terrible place to be.
He listens to the rest of it, about how Bill changed his name, went to school, thought he could think his way out of anything -- and about how Bill made himself a socially fearless pain in the ass. He cracks up when Bill tells him he mouthed off to more-sided citizens -- telling a hexagon to fuck himself is something he can absolutely see.]
I'm sure you did!
[ford pines is here for petty vengeance. impressed? also possibly.]
[BIG SMIRK yes he is the best at causing problems.]
IT MEANT HAD TO PROVE MY LOYALTY, A COUPLE TIMES. BUT I WAS GOOD AT THAT! EVERYBODY AROUND ME WAS JUST A DRONE, I HAD NO PROBLEM SAYING ANYTHING I NEEDED TO SAY TO THEM. OR DOING ANYTHING I NEEDED TO DO!
[Does he have mixed feelings about it, now? Kind of. Any of those people could have been in the rebellion and he made their work that much harder.]
I WAS PATIENT ENOUGH TO PLAY A LONG GAME. WELL, I GUESS YOU ALREADY KNOW.
[because of that long con he ran on ford for multiple years whoops]
EVENTUALLY, I GOT AN IN BY SUBMITTING EXAM SCORES TO PLACES THAT I KNEW I WOULDN'T GET INTO, TO PROVE I AT LEAST HAD A RESOURCE THAT COULD SERVE THE PURPOSES OF PROPER SOCIETY! I GOT NOBILITY TO HIRE ME ONTO PROJECTS THAT NEEDED MENIAL WORK IN EXCHANGE FOR NO CREDIT ON THE DISCOVERIES THEY MADE. THAT WAS FINE!
[The best at causing problems, it is a dubious title but Ford cares about him very much.
...but he sure does know how capable Bill is of long games, and how willing Bill is to throw other people under the bus. Cool to see Bill doubting that, though. Ford doesn't comment, just notes it.
Except that when Ford gets to the bit about working for no credit.]
That is not fine!
[What absolute scumbags. It's not enough what they did to the other classes, or the irregular shapes, but ooooh academic theft on top of that is too much!]
[Like constantly. Most science is just big teams of people doing lots of hours of tedious work, and then the most photogenic lab head gets in the news for all of it.]
MISTER HERO, HUH. YOU KNOW, YOU DOING ALL YOUR OWN FIELD WORK ACTUALLY ISN'T HOW IT'S USUALLY DONE.
[A little nudge under the chin this time. In another context Bill might have gotten frustrated with how much value Ford puts on Being Liked, but right now they just got back together and he's all full of fuzzy feelings.]
[but if you don't do your own field work, then how can you shut yourself up alone in a cabin for years with minimal human contact? how can you trust no one else will steal your discovery of the paranormal and go public before you can?? the only way to be safe is to go it alone!!
He accepts the chin nudge, lets it help his indignation fade. Fuzzy feelings, back together, yes ♥ ]
...for access to research an equilateral triangle wouldn't normally have?
I'D HEARD ABOUT THE THIRD DIMENSION, ANYONE WHO STUCK THEIR EYE INTO COUNTERCULTURE HAD HEARD OF IT. IT WAS KIND OF A STORY TOLD BY A GUY WHO'D DIED IN A GOVERNMENT HOSPITAL FOR MENTAL PATIENTS - HORRIFYING PLACES, BY THE WAY, REAL JAIL IS BETTER! - SO THERE WASN'T A LOT THAT WAS RELIABLE! BUT WHEREVER I WAS GOING TO BE IN ORDER TO NOT FEEL AWFUL ALL THE TIME, IT WASN'T IN THIS DIMENSION. THE CIRCLES - THAT'S THE GOVERNMENT - HAD KNOWN ABOUT IT AS LONG AS EVERYONE ELSE HAD, EVEN IF THEY DENIED IT! BUT INSTEAD OF EXPLORING IT, THEY WANTED TO CLOSE US OFF AND KEEP IT IT FROM EVER CONTACTING US AGAIN. THEY WERE PRETTY CLOSE, TOO, WHEN I GOT ONBOARD.
[Shrug.]
SEEMS CONVENIENT THAT IT LINED UP LIKE THAT, BUT IT WASN'T! THERE WAS A THREE-DIMENSIONAL FIGURE THEY WERE IN CONTACT WITH, WHO SPECIALIZED IN WORKING WITH GOVERNMENTAL ENTITIES. YOU MIGHT KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 12:55 am (UTC)-- and only snaps out of it at the idea of Bill in the army. He can't help it -- he gives a short ha!]
No, I...really can't.
[He's back in the moment again.]
content warning: harm to children mentioned, eugenics
Date: 2019-12-19 01:08 am (UTC)MY PARENTS WERE BOTH ISOSCELES, BUT SOMETIMES STUFF HAPPENS! THEIR FIRST TWO KIDS WERE BOTH IRREGULAR! MY OFFICIAL ANGLES ARE 62, 59, 59.
[He stays still, touches his points as he narrates. Top one is the obtuse angle.]
YOU NEEDED INSTRUMENTS TO MEASURE IT, OTHERWISE I JUST LOOK SIXTY-SIXTY-SIXTY!
[Shrug. It clearly isn't a big deal, any rational person can see it's not a big deal.]
BUT THEY DID HAVE INSTRUMENTS, SO THE ULTIMATUM WAS THAT I HAD UNTIL FOURTEEN OR SO FOR THE DEFORMITY TO CLEAR UP! DISPOSAL OF KIDS LIKE ME WAS THE POLICY - MY PARENTS WERE GOING TO HAND ME OVER SO THAT WHATEVER MADE ME THE WRONG KIND OF SHAPE WOULDN'T GET PASSED ON INTO THE GENERAL GENETIC SUPPLY! EVEN THOUGH IT WAS TECHNICALLY THEIR FAULT. IT DIDN'T GO OVER WELL WHEN I SAID WE SHOULD KILL THEM BOTH INSTEAD, YOU CAN IMAGINE. NOT BIG PEOPLE TO TAKE A JOKE, THOSE GUYS.
YOU KNOW, FOR A SOCIETY THAT WAS ALL ABOUT NATURE CREATING THE FITTEST CREATURES NATURALLY, THEY SURE DID A LOT TO MAKE SURE THAT NEW MUTATIONS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BENEFICIAL WERE CUT OFF AT THE ROOT! EVERYONE WAS REAL PUZZLED AT HOW STAGNATED SOCIETY WAS. MYSTERIOUS, WOW.
ANYWAY, THAT'S NOT TO SAY MY PARENTS DIDN'T CARE - THEY CARED A LOT! THEIR REPUTATIONS COULD BE RUINED!
[Wide blinking and pretend shock. Bill puts his hands up to his eye. oh no!
Then he drops it.]
NOT THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAD ANY. THE SOLUTION THAT WAS IN VOGUE WAS MEDICAL TREATMENTS ON IRREGULAR KIDS - IF YOU BREAK UP THEIR FRAME WHILE THEY'RE STILL SOFT, YOU CAN TRY TO RE-SHAPE IT.
[The gesture here is like snapping a little twig.]
MOSTLY IT GOT USED BY MIDDLE NOBILITY WANTING THEIR KIDS TO MOVE UP A CLASS AND TRYING TO FORCE THEM TO GROW ANOTHER SIDE. SOMETIMES IT WORKED! WHAT'S NINE DEAD NORMAL KIDS COMPARED TO ONE KID THAT MAKES A GOOD TROPHY? YOU'VE GOTTA SPEND MONEY TO MAKE MONEY! MY OLDER BROTHER DIED THAT WAY. NEVER EVEN KNEW HIM! I LIVED THROUGH IT, SURE, BUT THEY COULDN'T MAKE ME LOOK NORMAL, SO THAT ALSO COUNTED AS A FAILURE! I THINK MOM AND DAD JUST KEPT PUMPING OUT KIDS AFTER ME TRYING TO GET A GOOD ONE - I DIDN'T KEEP IN TOUCH!
[Something makes him pause, although all of this is said pretty breezily.]
I WONDER IF HE WAS LIKE LUKE.
[This thought seems to actually snag Bill's train of thought to a standstill, and he's clearly struggling with some kind of emotion.]
LUKE REMEMBERS MY PARENTS, NOW. HE HAD THE SAME LIFE, HE PUT UP WITH THE SAME CRAP, IT JUST WENT DIFFERENTLY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE DID. I STILL DON'T REALLY KNOW! HE MUST HAVE ASKED SOMEBODY FOR HELP THAT I NEVER TALKED TO, OR GOTTEN SOMEONE'S ATTENTION, I -...
I CAN'T THINK ABOUT THIS. I WON'T FINISH THE STORY.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 01:20 am (UTC)And Bill lost a brother to it. Maybe more. Neither of them will ever know.
He'll find a hand and grip it briefly. Quietly:]
Go on. I'm listening.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 01:32 am (UTC)UH.
[He continues, but it's more subdued. He's just trying to get through it now.]
SO - SO IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO KNOW THAT MY DAYS WERE NUMBERED. I THOUGHT THE WHOLE THING WAS A RACKET, AT THIS POINT. I KNEW -
NO, I THOUGHT. I THOUGHT EVERY ADULT AROUND ME WAS STUPID. JUST, STUPID AND WITH MORE EXPERIENCE THAN ME. IF I WAS IN CHARGE I'D DO THINGS BETTER - BUT WHO'D EVEN WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF THESE GUYS? SAVE THEM FROM THEMSELVES? PLEASE.
I REMEMBER A LOT OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I WAS SMART, BUT IT WAS ALWAYS RIGHT NEXT TO TELLING ME HOW THAT MEANT I OUGHT TO REALIZE IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST, HOW THIS WAS THE WAY THINGS HAD TO BE.
YOU KNOW THIS WASN'T THE WAY IT HAD TO BE, AND I KNEW IT WASN'T THE WAY THINGS HAD TO BE, BUT BOY DID I HATE THE PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME THAT. THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY DID THINK THAT! PEOPLE WHOSE IMAGINATIONS WERE DEAD, WHO ONLY LOOKED STRAIGHT AHEAD OF THEMSELVES AND TRIED TO CLIMB LITTLE, POINTLESS LADDERS BY SUCKING UP TO A MACHINE BUILT BY POWERFUL LIARS.
[Bitter. He remembers Teddy telling him that he was acting just like the Circles did. He may have become a powerful liar, but petty power, power as a leader of people, or power that comes from money - that's never really interested him. That's a line he won't cross. It's not even an ethical line, it's just a Line.]
I'M NOT THAT ANGRY AT ANY OF THEM INDIVIDUALLY! YOU'D THINK I'D HATE MY PARENTS, BUT I STOPPED TRUSTING THEM WAY BEFORE I KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO HAND ME IN, SO IT DIDN'T HURT.
[He's just kind of. Tired. They tried to have him die, but he actually did kill them - and he didn't even have the excuse of protecting himself.]
THEY WERE JUST PROTECTING THEMSELVES. IF THEY HAD REFUSED TO GIVE ME OVER, I'D JUST HAVE BEEN TAKEN ANYWAY, AND THEY'D HAVE BEEN PUNISHED FOR IT. I THINK THEY WERE JUST COWARDS.
BUT IT DIDN'T HURT. AND SINCE I WAS SMART, I KNEW IT PROBABLY WAS SUPPOSED TO HURT! AROUND THIS TIME WAS WHEN I FIGURED OUT THAT WHATEVER MADE ME COME OUT WRONG MADE MY MIND WORK DIFFERENTLY, TOO. THAT'S HOW THE SCIENCE WAS, IN THE SECOND DIMENSION! A PERFECT FRAME MEANT A PERFECT MIND! MORE ANGLES MEANT MORE BRAINS!
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 01:49 am (UTC)Surely you don't believe that.
[That's the most ridiculous pseudoscience he's heard since phrenology got debunked.]
That's like saying movie stars must be geniuses because their faces are symmetrical!
more eugenics stuff, ableist language
Date: 2019-12-19 04:41 am (UTC)[He's just messing around; he goes to beep Ford's nose.]
NAH, I KNOW. I KNEW BACK THEN! BUT, YOU KNOW, STOPPED CLOCKS, I GUESS - I JUST MEAN THAT FOR A LONG TIME I THOUGHT THEY GOT IT RIGHT WITH ME!
[The bend in his eye is shaped like a smile but looks pained. Grimace.]
IRREGULARS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE EITHER FEEBLE OR DERANGED, AND I'M A FULL-BLOWN NUTCASE. AND A LOT OF IT'S JUST HOW I POPPED OUT OF THE EGG. BEFORE LUKE TURNED INTO ME, I'D NEVER MET ANOTHER IRREGULAR. I DIDN'T KNOW IF WE WERE ALL LIKE THIS, OR WHAT.
YOU KNOW THIS STUFF ALREADY. IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME, NORMALLY. I WOULDN'T BE HALF AS GOOD AS WHAT I DO WITHOUT IT! THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HURT JUST ROLL RIGHT OFF ME. OTHER PEOPLE HESITATE AND I DON'T EVEN SLOW DOWN.
I'M THINKING A LOT MORE ABOUT IT LATELY, THOUGH. PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO HESITATE ON KILLING EACH OTHER FOR A REASON ... I'M JUST DOING THE STEPS OUT OF ORDER.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 03:04 pm (UTC)And, when Bill goes on, and talks about doing the steps out of order:]
Well, you're not the only one. It is a ship full of people who are figuring out when they shouldn't kill each other!
[That's said with a roll of his eyes, but then, he asks a more serious question.]
...would you want to meet another irregular? If you could.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 05:13 pm (UTC)[That's an easy answer.]
I TRY TO PUT ALL OF THIS BEHIND ME. I MEAN, YOU DESERVE - YOU DESERVE TO KNOW ABOUT ME, IF YOU WANT TO KNOW. BUT I TOLD LUKE... I LIKE WHO I AM NOW. I'M MY OWN SPECIES, I CAN FLY.... THEY DON'T GET ANY CREDIT FOR MAKING ME, I MADE ME. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACKWARDS JUST TO ANSWER QUESTIONS.
[He turns his hand so their fingers weave together. Would rather not dwell on it. You're only going to get this story once, and after that it'll probably be hard to get him to talk about it again, so he's going to be thorough.]
PLUS, YOU KNOW, IT'S ALL JUST BECAUSE I HAD TO BE WHAT THE SHOW NEEDED FROM ME ANYWAY.
[That one is actual bitterness. THAT one he's not over.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 05:26 pm (UTC)[He does. He wasn't based on anyone in the Director's family. He was what he needed to be. Three plot devices in a trenchcoat.
He lets their fingers be interlaced, gives a squeeze. He understands the weird mental gymnastics that's needed to be like them, the weird reality-fiction line they walk. Both things are true.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 05:34 pm (UTC)[Quiet. It also really bothers Bill, but he's more resentful than ...whatever this is from Ford. Sad? Self-worth problems?]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 05:44 pm (UTC)Ah, not as much anymore. Not now that I have a plan for staying out, and getting my family out, too. I don't like it, but there's nothing I can do about it! I can't change why I was made. Besides, I'm who I am now, not what I was then. I've learned a lot. Changed a lot, too.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 05:50 pm (UTC)D'YOU EVEN WANT TO KNOW THE REST? I JUST... THOUGHT I WAS BETTER THAN EVERYBODY AND MADE A BUNCH OF DUMB CALLS.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 06:34 pm (UTC)[You can tell the story floating back or tangled up, but--they left off with Bill's parents getting ready to kill him before he turned 14, and if it is left there, Ford will wonder forever.]
I want to know what happened -- what you remember.
[Because even if it was made up for the story, it's still important.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 07:12 pm (UTC)I WAS, JUST. WHERE WAS I. SCARED I WAS GONNA DIE, YEAH. WHEN PEOPLE ARE AFRAID, THEY LEARN HOW TO LIE.
[Another humorless bend of the eye.]
YOU ONLY EVER LIED TO ME SUCCESSFULLY WHEN I HAD THE KIDS, RIGHT?
[When it wasn't really a game any more.]
I WAS A LITTLE TOO, YOU KNOW, INVOLVED WITH MYSELF TO UNDERSTAND THAT EVERYBODY WAS LYING, EVERYBODY IN THE SECOND DIMENSION I EVER MET! EVERYBODY WAS PRETENDING TO BUY WHAT THEY WERE FED, TO KEEP THEMSELVES SAFE, AND KEEP THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THEM HAPPY SAFE. SOME PEOPLE REALLY DID BUY INTO ALL THAT CRAP ABOUT THE ANGLES, BUT MORE PEOPLE THAT I EVER GAVE THE WORLD CREDIT FOR WERE JUST KEEPING THEIR HEADS DOWN TO STAY ALIVE. THERE WAS APPARENTLY A WHOLE REBELLION, AND I MISSED IT! BECAUSE, EH, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE. I DID. I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO HATED LIVING HERE, AND HATED WHAT THE LAW WAS. WHATEVER LYING THEY WERE ALL DOING, IT FOOLED ME.
[The only one in the whole world smart enough to be scared? Yeah, it sounds pretty dumb, now. Bill rubs at his eye.]
I GOT OUT OF DODGE BEFORE MY DEADLINE, OBVIOUSLY! I COULD PASS FOR AN EQUILATERAL UNLESS I WAS ACTUALLY MEASURED BY A DOCTOR, SO I STARTED PRETENDING TO BE ONE. THAT'S ONE CASTE ABOVE MY ACTUAL FAMILY'S, SO IT CAME WITH MORE PERKS! I CHANGED MY NAME. I CAUGHT UP WITH THE EDUCATION AN EQUILATERAL WAS EXPECTED TO HAVE! I FIGURED OUT HOW FAST I COULD LEARN SOMETHING WHEN I WANTED TO! PRETTY FAST, FORDSY.
[Not all of this is the magic, and Bill is arrogant to want that fact out in the open, still. He looks smug, and then - ah, right. Yeah.]
HAVING THE NUMBERS TO PROVE I WAS THE SHARPEST PERSON I KNEW JUST MADE ME THINK MORE AND MORE THAT NOBODY WAS GOING TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS BETTER THAN ME. I TOOK A LOT OF GAMBLES ON THE FACT THAT I COULD JUST OUT-THINK ANY PROBLEM. OR THAT I COULD BE RUTHLESS ENOUGH TO TAKE A ROUTE NO ONE WOULD EXPECT. I STILL DO! I STILL DO. IT'S A MISTAKE, IT GOT ME KILLED.
[Back on that again. He's not gonna get over that. Resolving to do anything necessary to avoid very real mortality at a young age kinda fucked him up.]
ANYWAY, THE MATH! THEY DIDN'T LET EQUILATERALS GO TO UNIVERSITY EITHER, THAT WAS FOR SQUARES OR ABOVE. I DID A LOT OF THINGS THAT WEREN'T TECHNICALLY ILLEGAL, BECAUSE ILLEGAL THINGS WOULD SEND ME SOMEWHERE I DEFINITELY DIDN'T WANT TO BE, BUT WERE JUST SOCIALLY UNTHINKABLE!
[It was a form of vengeance. Bill's a petty bitch. He rubs his little hands.]
BECAUSE I WAS A DEAD GUY WALKING EITHER WAY, RIGHT? I WAS PUSHY. I WASN'T POLITE! I DIDN'T ACT LIKE A GENTLEMAN. THESE THINGS ARE A BIG DEAL, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND! A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE SECOND DIMENSION WOULD RATHER STAND STILL ON FIRE THAN TO LOOK A HIGHER-CLASS IN THE EYE AND TELL THEM TO GET A HOSE. I DIDN'T MAKE A LOT OF FRIENDS, I GOT A REPUTATION AS A WEIRD TROUBLEMAKER, BUT NOT ONE THAT ANYONE COULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT!
[just like here on the barge, wow! why have bad things happen to you when you can be the bad thing that happens to EVERYBODY?]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 08:21 pm (UTC)He didn't feel the same about the kids'.
He listens, and his brows crease sympathetically as Bill admits that everyone else had had him fooled by pretending to be happy in second-dimension society. That'd be a humbling thing for anyone to realize. Those poor organisms, all of them -- what a terrible place to be.
He listens to the rest of it, about how Bill changed his name, went to school, thought he could think his way out of anything -- and about how Bill made himself a socially fearless pain in the ass. He cracks up when Bill tells him he mouthed off to more-sided citizens -- telling a hexagon to fuck himself is something he can absolutely see.]
I'm sure you did!
[ford pines is here for petty vengeance. impressed? also possibly.]
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Date: 2019-12-19 09:29 pm (UTC)IT MEANT HAD TO PROVE MY LOYALTY, A COUPLE TIMES. BUT I WAS GOOD AT THAT! EVERYBODY AROUND ME WAS JUST A DRONE, I HAD NO PROBLEM SAYING ANYTHING I NEEDED TO SAY TO THEM. OR DOING ANYTHING I NEEDED TO DO!
[Does he have mixed feelings about it, now? Kind of. Any of those people could have been in the rebellion and he made their work that much harder.]
I WAS PATIENT ENOUGH TO PLAY A LONG GAME. WELL, I GUESS YOU ALREADY KNOW.
[because of that long con he ran on ford for multiple years whoops]
EVENTUALLY, I GOT AN IN BY SUBMITTING EXAM SCORES TO PLACES THAT I KNEW I WOULDN'T GET INTO, TO PROVE I AT LEAST HAD A RESOURCE THAT COULD SERVE THE PURPOSES OF PROPER SOCIETY! I GOT NOBILITY TO HIRE ME ONTO PROJECTS THAT NEEDED MENIAL WORK IN EXCHANGE FOR NO CREDIT ON THE DISCOVERIES THEY MADE. THAT WAS FINE!
[its just kind of the way shit works.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 09:49 pm (UTC)...but he sure does know how capable Bill is of long games, and how willing Bill is to throw other people under the bus. Cool to see Bill doubting that, though. Ford doesn't comment, just notes it.
Except that when Ford gets to the bit about working for no credit.]
That is not fine!
[What absolute scumbags. It's not enough what they did to the other classes, or the irregular shapes, but ooooh academic theft on top of that is too much!]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 10:04 pm (UTC)[Like constantly. Most science is just big teams of people doing lots of hours of tedious work, and then the most photogenic lab head gets in the news for all of it.]
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Date: 2019-12-19 10:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 10:32 pm (UTC)[A little nudge under the chin this time. In another context Bill might have gotten frustrated with how much value Ford puts on Being Liked, but right now they just got back together and he's all full of fuzzy feelings.]
I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING. I WAS USING THEM, TOO.
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Date: 2019-12-19 10:37 pm (UTC)He accepts the chin nudge, lets it help his indignation fade. Fuzzy feelings, back together, yes ♥ ]
...for access to research an equilateral triangle wouldn't normally have?
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Date: 2019-12-19 11:02 pm (UTC)I'D HEARD ABOUT THE THIRD DIMENSION, ANYONE WHO STUCK THEIR EYE INTO COUNTERCULTURE HAD HEARD OF IT. IT WAS KIND OF A STORY TOLD BY A GUY WHO'D DIED IN A GOVERNMENT HOSPITAL FOR MENTAL PATIENTS - HORRIFYING PLACES, BY THE WAY, REAL JAIL IS BETTER! - SO THERE WASN'T A LOT THAT WAS RELIABLE! BUT WHEREVER I WAS GOING TO BE IN ORDER TO NOT FEEL AWFUL ALL THE TIME, IT WASN'T IN THIS DIMENSION. THE CIRCLES - THAT'S THE GOVERNMENT - HAD KNOWN ABOUT IT AS LONG AS EVERYONE ELSE HAD, EVEN IF THEY DENIED IT! BUT INSTEAD OF EXPLORING IT, THEY WANTED TO CLOSE US OFF AND KEEP IT IT FROM EVER CONTACTING US AGAIN. THEY WERE PRETTY CLOSE, TOO, WHEN I GOT ONBOARD.
[Shrug.]
SEEMS CONVENIENT THAT IT LINED UP LIKE THAT, BUT IT WASN'T! THERE WAS A THREE-DIMENSIONAL FIGURE THEY WERE IN CONTACT WITH, WHO SPECIALIZED IN WORKING WITH GOVERNMENTAL ENTITIES. YOU MIGHT KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING!
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 11:17 pm (UTC)It was you! You went back in time, made contact with your old dimension, and helped your past self destroy it?
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Date: 2019-12-19 11:21 pm (UTC)I CAN NORMALLY MOVE FREELY BETWEEN THE PAST AND FUTURE. I DON'T DO IT A LOT, BECAUSE TIME BABY GETS IN THE WAY -
[Fucking hate that guy]
BUT I WANTED TO MAKE SURE I GOT CREATED. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT...
[You do it yourself!
He illustrates this with almost tying his arms in knots showing the paths of the timeline crossing over itself.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-20 02:29 am (UTC)Did you realize you were you?
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