I just thought that if you were going to give me up, you'd say it to my face, that's all.
[Eesh. At least it isn't just being with Ford that feels like losing. At least Bill would regret losing him? But what a thing to hear, that a life with you is a losing condition. He recognizes that this is hard for Bill, and that Bill is miserable down there. But also, Ford's hurt. Being with him is giving up, and being trapped. He swallows.
But he had infinite chances to get it right, in the do-over dimension, and...okay. He can maybe show some of the infinite patience and forgiveness he was given here.]
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY FOR THIS WHOLE MESS, AND I'M SORRY FOR GETTING SCARED. I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL THE TIMES I JERKED YOU AROUND AND MADE YOUR LIFE WORSE. AND I WISH I COULD FIX IT. ...AND YOU DESERVE BETTER FROM ME. YOU MAKE ME HAPPY. I LIKE YOU. I MIGHT LOVE YOU, ACCORDING TO THREE PEOPLE I ASKED ABOUT IT.
[Bill's been looking up at Ford from the ground, but here puts his eye in his hands, self-conscious, and groans. Oh god, he's told his entire social circle about this EXCEPT Ford somehow. This attempt at talking to him is not going well either. Shit. He should have written something down and planned it.]
OR IT MIGHT BE THAT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW I FEEL BASED ON HOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL HAS BEEN SOMETHING I THOUGHT I LEARNED NOT TO DO A LONG TIME AGO.
[Ford's mouth opens as Bill talks -- not to say anything, but in surprise. Apologies from Bill have always been...well, they don't come easily, and they require a lot of regret to even come out. And that bit about how he might even love--
--no, that's too much, too big for Ford to worry about right now. Being liked and important is enough. It always has been. He kinda wants to know who exactly Bill has been talking to about this, but that's not important now. What's important is what he's going to do about the triangle on his floor, who has taken his big bitter rotten heart into his hands and held it out.
Ford doesn't have to do this. There's no universe riding on it, no billions of deaths he's got to prevent by staying close, by being clever. He....he can't use Bill to feel like he's doing something that matters. It'll just be them. Two people, who are good at a lot of things but bad at this, trying to figure it out. Does Ford want that?]
....I missed you a lot, you know.
Even when we were both using each other, when we thought we'd get what we wanted if we were just clever enough -- it made me happier having you around than anyone else on this ship did.
[His legs are out in front of him on the floor, and he lets his arms droop down to join them. He stares straight ahead and looks like a discarded doll, with his little friendly rounded fingers and exaggerated eyelashes.]
IT DOESN'T WORK WITH THE ACT, YOU KNOW? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AN ANCIENT FORCE THAT MOVES THE COSMOS AND NOT NEED ANYBODY, AND NOT REALLY BE SAD OR HAPPY OR ANYTHING. THE AXOLOTL DOESN'T MISS ANYBODY, I BET. NOTHING EVER TOUCHES IT.
[He blinks, breaks the strange illusion of lifelessness, looks up at Ford.]
I'M NOT, THOUGH. I PICKED UP 'BILL CIPHER' TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO ON A WHIM. I'VE GOT A REAL NAME. I WASN'T EVEN AS OLD AS YOU WERE WHEN I LEFT MY DIMENSION THE FIRST TIME. I'M JUST A GUY. I SCREW UP A LOT. I GUESS I JUST HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME. YOU MAKE ME HAPPY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT, HUH?
[Ford...reaches a decision. It's not a decision he can put into words, it's more of a shifting of feelings and intentions and wants as they snap into a new position. ...not that Ford's ever been able to put many of his feelings into words, anyway, at least when they're not on a page.
He drops down to a crouch in front of Bill, resting a forearm on one knee, the other knee on the ground.]
Well, I'm just a guy, too. And I also happen to screw up a lot. But I like you, Bill. Not the powers that let you manipulate the cosmos -- you. I don't want you to be untouchable. Exactly the opposite of that, actually.
HEH. YOU REMEMBER - YOU YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID WHEN I FIRST LET YOU OUT OF YOUR DEAL AND YOU WERE TRYING TO GUESS WHO IT WAS I GOT ATTACHED TO? YOU SAID WHOEVER IT WAS WOULD HAVE TO BE "CERTIFIABLY INSANE, WITH VERY QUESTIONABLE JUDGMENT AND THE GREATEST CAPACITY FOR FORGIVENESS YOU'D EVER SEEN IN ANY DIMENSION."
[Bill clambers to his feet. Yeah, he's been reading back through their recorded conversations during this soul-searching break.]
THAT'S YOU, KID. THE FIRST PART ASIDE. I'M NOT THE GUY TO JUDGE ABOUT WHO IS OR ISN'T SANE, YA KNOW.
[So, deal with that. Huh. Bill puts a light kiss on Ford's hand.]
[He lets out a laugh, both at the reminder of what he'd said and the kiss to his hand. You goofball. Brightly:]
I think both our sanities are fairly questionable, yes.
[They're cartoons. Creations of someone else, brought to life. But Bill understands that, understands that tightrope they walk between reality as they experience it and the things they've seen, and to fall off of it is to fall into paralyzing existential despair. Maybe the effects of that look like insanity from the outside. But they understand each other.
Even if they are completely insane by the standards of this dimension -- they make each other happy. What's wrong with that, huh?
More seriously:]
I've never been a forgiving person. I moved past what you did to me for thirty years because I had to, or else I wouldn't get anywhere. I believed you wouldn't do it again if you could help it, and that had to be enough.
This is different. This is -- more than just enough. It's--
[It's not a situation he's making himself accept the bad parts of because the alternative is worse.
Sure, it wasn't easy, thinking he might have meant nothing to Bill all this time. But the break gave him the perspective he needed to realize the things he'd been doing wrong this whole time.
hey remember how he was manipulating you back and the whole thing was also a play for control from him? yeah.
He grips Bill's hands in his own, and he feels a giddy surge of happiness as he says:]
It's a lot easier to forgive some guy than an inexorable cosmic force, you know.
Edited (changed dialogue to meta) 2019-12-05 16:10 (UTC)
[In any other tone, this could be asking for pity; it isn't. He's saying he's aware of it, not asking Ford to argue.]
I WAS THINKING YOU DESERVED BETTER THAN ME, SO I SHOULDA LET YOU FIND SOMEONE ELSE... BUT, Y'KNOW. I REALIZED THAT WASN'T ME THINKING ABOUT YOU, IT WAS JUST AN EXCUSE NOT TO HAVE TO BE BETTER.
[I mean, they're both agreed. Bill has been a real jerk. You know, historically.
But also. Wow. That is some serious self-reflection and self-knowledge, and Ford's a little bowled over by how impressed he is. This is way beyond anything he ever expected.]
I'd be happy to give you a chance. And I -- I'll try to be better, too. No more underhanded trying to use the fact that you like me to make you do what I want.
HEY, IF YOU CAN BE OKAY WITH ME, THE LEAST I CAN DO IS FORGIVE YOU TOO. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT, ANYWAY. YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING. AND LOOK AT YOU NOW, HUH? INMATE OF YOUR OWN.
Eesh, don't say that. I don't like being used to further the Authority's ratings any more from this position. I still can't go home, and the problems I have with this ship still exist. I'm glad to be alive, but that's it.
I think it's still too early to do anything about it, since I won't get any older on the Barge, or in Gravity Falls if I'm pulled back against my will. But, when it becomes relevant, I'm open to the possibility.
It's strange, not having the burden of fighting Bill, or stopping him, or watching for an escape, or devising an alternative hanging over him. He's carried that weight for half his life. And even though he's had a few weeks to get used to the idea, to let go of Bill being his responsibility, he's still felt Bill's absence, even though other people crowded into his life, keeping him from being really alone. It wasn't the same. It wasn't him.
Having Bill back, being wanted, it's -- it is just as exciting when it's just a guy as it was when it was an unstoppable force of chaos and madness. It still makes him feel significant. He breaks into a laugh again, one with just a hint of hysteria.]
I want you back. It isn't the same without you. It's just a bunch of safe side projects and conflicting data and dealing with other demons smelling up my living room.
I'm not dreaming, am I? There's not a flood due yet, but the last breach threw all my timers out of whack. Tell me this is actually happening. That it won't be gone in a week.
[Absolutely yes kiss time. There's the short one Bill starts, and then there's the second one Ford starts, which involves pushing Bill a few inches backward in the air out of enthusiasm. Ford can kiss better than this when he's thinking about it but right now he's not going for cinematic 80s movie kiss, it's more like being pounced on: genuine, full of uncontrolled affection, and maybe a little overwhelming. It's maybe two or three times the length of the first. Missed you!]
[That is a lot of enthusiasm - not that he's protesting. He pulls them both upwards so they're closer to Ford's eye level before it breaks and lets it sweep him up, responds with relief and real emotion.]
[The frankly Mabel-like energy carries through the kiss; it breaks and he looks up at Bill, and he's grinning.
This isn't going to be perfect. They'll still hit snags, and they'll definitely argue, and they should probably do something about how Bill feels like he's lost and also isn't sure what else he wants out of life, and the Barge will hit them with curveballs regardless, but they'll figure it out. They have way better odds of figuring it out now than they did three months ago.]
Mm! Aha ha ha, I--I meant what we've been up to, Bill!
[Ford's tone, posture, and general manner all express delight, though. He makes no effort to extract himself from this very friendly set of alien hands he's found himself in the middle of. You scallywag.
(Also he's been sadness-exercising very consistently for like over two months, please notice.)]
[He can't help a brief, contented sigh, though. It's not much more than a breath, but he has missed Bill enough, and trusts Bill to read any tension in his muscles enough, that being cuddled outside of clear romantic activities doesn't bother him the way it otherwise might. The trust levels are high, and so is the oxytocin.]
I'm making progress on the ship, and on Misty Day's pet-owner entanglement project. Besides that, I've kept an eye on the watches, and I've got some rather frustrating data on floods and breaches.
[He wiggles a hand so it is in Bill's, and he winds his other arm so Bill's is wrapped around it. Just gonna get comfy here, don't mind him.]
I'll probably compile a report after the next time we make port. There haven't been any involuntary disappearances so far, which is good for the passengers, but...it does mean research is at a standstill.
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I just thought that if you were going to give me up, you'd say it to my face, that's all.
[Eesh. At least it isn't just being with Ford that feels like losing. At least Bill would regret losing him? But what a thing to hear, that a life with you is a losing condition. He recognizes that this is hard for Bill, and that Bill is miserable down there. But also, Ford's hurt. Being with him is giving up, and being trapped. He swallows.
But he had infinite chances to get it right, in the do-over dimension, and...okay. He can maybe show some of the infinite patience and forgiveness he was given here.]
Okay. Start over.
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[Bill's been looking up at Ford from the ground, but here puts his eye in his hands, self-conscious, and groans. Oh god, he's told his entire social circle about this EXCEPT Ford somehow. This attempt at talking to him is not going well either. Shit. He should have written something down and planned it.]
OR IT MIGHT BE THAT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW I FEEL BASED ON HOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL HAS BEEN SOMETHING I THOUGHT I LEARNED NOT TO DO A LONG TIME AGO.
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--no, that's too much, too big for Ford to worry about right now. Being liked and important is enough. It always has been. He kinda wants to know who exactly Bill has been talking to about this, but that's not important now. What's important is what he's going to do about the triangle on his floor, who has taken his big bitter rotten heart into his hands and held it out.
Ford doesn't have to do this. There's no universe riding on it, no billions of deaths he's got to prevent by staying close, by being clever. He....he can't use Bill to feel like he's doing something that matters. It'll just be them. Two people, who are good at a lot of things but bad at this, trying to figure it out. Does Ford want that?]
....I missed you a lot, you know.
Even when we were both using each other, when we thought we'd get what we wanted if we were just clever enough -- it made me happier having you around than anyone else on this ship did.
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[His legs are out in front of him on the floor, and he lets his arms droop down to join them. He stares straight ahead and looks like a discarded doll, with his little friendly rounded fingers and exaggerated eyelashes.]
IT DOESN'T WORK WITH THE ACT, YOU KNOW? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AN ANCIENT FORCE THAT MOVES THE COSMOS AND NOT NEED ANYBODY, AND NOT REALLY BE SAD OR HAPPY OR ANYTHING. THE AXOLOTL DOESN'T MISS ANYBODY, I BET. NOTHING EVER TOUCHES IT.
[He blinks, breaks the strange illusion of lifelessness, looks up at Ford.]
I'M NOT, THOUGH. I PICKED UP 'BILL CIPHER' TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO ON A WHIM. I'VE GOT A REAL NAME. I WASN'T EVEN AS OLD AS YOU WERE WHEN I LEFT MY DIMENSION THE FIRST TIME. I'M JUST A GUY. I SCREW UP A LOT. I GUESS I JUST HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME. YOU MAKE ME HAPPY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT, HUH?
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He drops down to a crouch in front of Bill, resting a forearm on one knee, the other knee on the ground.]
Well, I'm just a guy, too. And I also happen to screw up a lot. But I like you, Bill. Not the powers that let you manipulate the cosmos -- you. I don't want you to be untouchable. Exactly the opposite of that, actually.
[He extends his hand.]
I accept your apology.
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HEH. YOU REMEMBER - YOU YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID WHEN I FIRST LET YOU OUT OF YOUR DEAL AND YOU WERE TRYING TO GUESS WHO IT WAS I GOT ATTACHED TO? YOU SAID WHOEVER IT WAS WOULD HAVE TO BE "CERTIFIABLY INSANE, WITH VERY QUESTIONABLE JUDGMENT AND THE GREATEST CAPACITY FOR FORGIVENESS YOU'D EVER SEEN IN ANY DIMENSION."
[Bill clambers to his feet. Yeah, he's been reading back through their recorded conversations during this soul-searching break.]
THAT'S YOU, KID. THE FIRST PART ASIDE. I'M NOT THE GUY TO JUDGE ABOUT WHO IS OR ISN'T SANE, YA KNOW.
[So, deal with that. Huh. Bill puts a light kiss on Ford's hand.]
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I think both our sanities are fairly questionable, yes.
[They're cartoons. Creations of someone else, brought to life. But Bill understands that, understands that tightrope they walk between reality as they experience it and the things they've seen, and to fall off of it is to fall into paralyzing existential despair. Maybe the effects of that look like insanity from the outside. But they understand each other.
Even if they are completely insane by the standards of this dimension -- they make each other happy. What's wrong with that, huh?
More seriously:]
I've never been a forgiving person. I moved past what you did to me for thirty years because I had to, or else I wouldn't get anywhere. I believed you wouldn't do it again if you could help it, and that had to be enough.
This is different. This is -- more than just enough. It's--
[It's not a situation he's making himself accept the bad parts of because the alternative is worse.
Sure, it wasn't easy, thinking he might have meant nothing to Bill all this time. But the break gave him the perspective he needed to realize the things he'd been doing wrong this whole time.
hey remember how he was manipulating you back and the whole thing was also a play for control from him? yeah.
He grips Bill's hands in his own, and he feels a giddy surge of happiness as he says:]
It's a lot easier to forgive some guy than an inexorable cosmic force, you know.
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[In any other tone, this could be asking for pity; it isn't. He's saying he's aware of it, not asking Ford to argue.]
I WAS THINKING YOU DESERVED BETTER THAN ME, SO I SHOULDA LET YOU FIND SOMEONE ELSE... BUT, Y'KNOW. I REALIZED THAT WASN'T ME THINKING ABOUT YOU, IT WAS JUST AN EXCUSE NOT TO HAVE TO BE BETTER.
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But also. Wow. That is some serious self-reflection and self-knowledge, and Ford's a little bowled over by how impressed he is. This is way beyond anything he ever expected.]
I'd be happy to give you a chance. And I -- I'll try to be better, too. No more underhanded trying to use the fact that you like me to make you do what I want.
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Eesh, don't say that. I don't like being used to further the Authority's ratings any more from this position. I still can't go home, and the problems I have with this ship still exist. I'm glad to be alive, but that's it.
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I think it's still too early to do anything about it, since I won't get any older on the Barge, or in Gravity Falls if I'm pulled back against my will. But, when it becomes relevant, I'm open to the possibility.
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I WANT A FUTURE WITH YOU. AND I WANT TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT I TOOK, TOO.
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It's strange, not having the burden of fighting Bill, or stopping him, or watching for an escape, or devising an alternative hanging over him. He's carried that weight for half his life. And even though he's had a few weeks to get used to the idea, to let go of Bill being his responsibility, he's still felt Bill's absence, even though other people crowded into his life, keeping him from being really alone. It wasn't the same. It wasn't him.
Having Bill back, being wanted, it's -- it is just as exciting when it's just a guy as it was when it was an unstoppable force of chaos and madness. It still makes him feel significant. He breaks into a laugh again, one with just a hint of hysteria.]
I want you back. It isn't the same without you. It's just a bunch of safe side projects and conflicting data and dealing with other demons smelling up my living room.
I'm not dreaming, am I? There's not a flood due yet, but the last breach threw all my timers out of whack. Tell me this is actually happening. That it won't be gone in a week.
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[Gentle. He cups Ford's cheek - god Bill really missed him.]
BUT AS FAR AS I KNOW FROM WHERE I'M STANDING, THIS IS HAPPENING.
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Then I'm going to trust it.
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[That is a lot of enthusiasm - not that he's protesting. He pulls them both upwards so they're closer to Ford's eye level before it breaks and lets it sweep him up, responds with relief and real emotion.]
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This isn't going to be perfect. They'll still hit snags, and they'll definitely argue, and they should probably do something about how Bill feels like he's lost and also isn't sure what else he wants out of life, and the Barge will hit them with curveballs regardless, but they'll figure it out. They have way better odds of figuring it out now than they did three months ago.]
We've got some catching up to do.
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[Bill's limbs all octopus over Ford, here they come.]
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[Ford's tone, posture, and general manner all express delight, though. He makes no effort to extract himself from this very friendly set of alien hands he's found himself in the middle of. You scallywag.
(Also he's been sadness-exercising very consistently for like over two months, please notice.)]
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[The four hands Bill has now divert themselves to more platonic areas, but aren't leaving. He just transitions it to a tangly cuddle.]
YEAH, YEAH. TALK TO ME.
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I'm making progress on the ship, and on Misty Day's pet-owner entanglement project. Besides that, I've kept an eye on the watches, and I've got some rather frustrating data on floods and breaches.
[He wiggles a hand so it is in Bill's, and he winds his other arm so Bill's is wrapped around it. Just gonna get comfy here, don't mind him.]
I'll probably compile a report after the next time we make port. There haven't been any involuntary disappearances so far, which is good for the passengers, but...it does mean research is at a standstill.
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content warning: harm to children mentioned, eugenics
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more eugenics stuff, ableist language
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