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[mothmansplaining]

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"Stanford Pines. Leave a message."

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[mothmansplaining]

"Are you sick?"

[beejfu]

"Probably."

[mothmansplaining]

"We both know the metaphorical answer to that is yes, Betelgeuse. I'm asking literally."

[beejfu]

A long-suffering sigh, as he lowers his upper half of his body onto the breakfast table until his forehead touches wood.

"I don't know. This kind of shit does not come naturally."

[mothmansplaining]

"And being not-so-nice does?

Ford considers this.

"What kind of demon are you, exactly?"

[beejfu]

"I told you." He tells the wood, not lifting his head.

"I'm a ghost. A bioexorcist. It just....I don't know, I don't usually do nice. Mostly I'm scaring the crap out of people in their homes so I can chase 'em out or kill them and start living there rent-free. If I'm NICE, bad shit happens."

[mothmansplaining]

Ford raises his eyebrow.

"Such as?"

[beejfu]

Muffled angry mutters.

[mothmansplaining]

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

[beejfu]

He lifts his chin up, giving Ford the worst, most sour look.

"People trick me. They get on my good side, I try to be nice, and then I find out it's all a ruse to fuck me over and leave me or kill me or..I don't know, shit like that! People suck, Ford. The living, and the dead. They all suck."

[mothmansplaining]

Ha ha ha ha ha.

This guy is, like, Bill's attitude with Ford's gullibility.

Oh jeez what a messy ghost. And not just because his clothes are full of bugs.

"A lot of them do suck," Ford agrees. "But so do you. You just told me you kill people so you can live in their houses." Not to mention, you know, all the other things Ford has heard about, and experienced firsthand.

[beejfu]

"Well, YEAH, but at least I do it in a funny way!" He protests, looking betrayed that Ford would call him out like this.

"And maybe I wouldn't murder so much if people didn't suck. I'm doing half of them a favor! Not to mention getting out a LOT of unprocessed anger issues.."

[mothmansplaining]

"And maybe people wouldn't feel like the only way to deal with you is to trick you if you weren't so..." He wiggles his hand. There are a lot of things Ford can say here, but the one he settles on is, "...murder-y. Look, I'm going against every instinct I've got trusting you, because I think you deserve a chance to earn it, and also because if it does go wrong, I can't die permanently. Or be possessed, enchanted, or bled out for ritual curses," he adds, rattling them off as an afterthought.

[beejfu]

He narrows his eyes at Ford, disbelieving.

"Skip to the point."

[mothmansplaining]

"The point is, there are people out there who don't suck. Who you can trust. You shouldn't trust people carelessly, of course, but you should give them a chance. Even when it isn't easy. And you should try to be someone who they can trust back."

Ford looks down at breakfast and the book, and the apology they represent.

"I'm not very good at it. Even when I try to do the right thing, I usually end up ticking people off. Sometimes, I don't even realize I was trying to control someone until I've already been doing it for months." He gives a small, resigned shrug. "For what it's worth, you're doing okay so far. At least where I'm concerned."

He cannot speak for anybody else on the Barge. But Betelgeuse hasn't fucked it up yet here.

[beejfu]

"Wow. How come you get so weirdly introspective with me and yet you can't turn that mirror inwards at yourself, Ford." Says Betelgeuse, sitting at the kitchen table, eyeballing the other human.

[mothmansplaining]

Ford blinks at Betelgeuse.

"What do you mean?"

Of course Stanford Pines is self aware. He knows himself! He has turned the mirror on himself plenty of times and can reasonably predict what he'll do and how he'll feel about it! Also, Betelgeuse expects to bring home the gold in freestyle, breaststroke, and butterfly in the 2020 Olympic games.

[beejfu]

"You control people for months and don't even know it? Holy crap, Tin Man."

He starts to laugh, but just as quickly cuts himself off with a realization.

"Oh! We should help each other out."

[mothmansplaining]

"I'm not proud of it," Ford mutters, his face coloring. "And you are going to have to be much more specific before I agree to anything."

[beejfu]

"I'm sensitive to being manipulated. And I normally can spot when a super evil plan's going down. Even if it's by accident."

Suuuch a leer.

"Here's the idea. You teach me to be nice. Redeeming qualities and all that crap. And I tell you when you're being a rude, insensitive jerk to people. If you see me laughing, you're usually doing that."

[mothmansplaining]

Ford looks at Betelgeuse.

"Just to be clear -- you're going to show me how not to be an insensitive jerk."

He lets that sit for a moment. Ford Pines's social skills might be terrible, but he doesn't trust Betelgeuse Sensitivity Training either.

[beejfu]

"It's a responsibility that I take very seriously."

His mile-wide grin indicates that this is a lie.

[mothmansplaining]

.......okay that's bullshit. Ford can tell the lie is happening, barely. Betelgeuse is lying to be funny again.

So, that aside. "I don't think this is a good idea," Ford sighs.

[beejfu]

Betelgeuse bounces up out of his seat, having been sitting too long, and wanders over to seize Ford from behind by the shoulders and upper arms.

"SURE it won't be the greatest idea we've ever had, but it's going to be FUN."

Says the demon giving the researcher a good shoulder and neck massage.

"You gotta loosen up!"

[mothmansplaining]

"No, it's not!"

Ford Pines is very tense and that's not going to change any time soon, especially since having hands on him makes him tense up even more, and once he realizes what's happening, he stands and turns so his back is to the table, gripping the edge with his hands.

"It's just going to be me telling you that things you want to do aren't nice, and you'll either get sulky and say I'm no fun, or you'll do them anyway and people will start blaming me for not stopping you! Not that I'm particularly popular anyway," he adds in an undertone. "And on top of that, I'll have to deal with you calling me a jerk whenever you think it's funny!"