[What. W h a t. Under other circumstances, maybe, Ford would be gentler and more sympathetic, but....he is more than a little upset by the fact that Bill, the person whose idea this whole thing was, who drew Ford in by seeming to sincerely care, might....might have just been sincerely caring about winning.
He's a little upset about believing Bill sincerely cared and that turning out to be wrong again. It makes Ford feel very, very stupid.]
How do you not know? You were the one doing it!
This whole relationship was your idea! Are you telling me you don't know if what you actually wanted out of it was to prove you still won?!
[Wait, wait. It gets worse.]
--does being involved with you mean I lose?!
[Ford might be graduated, might be thoughtful, might have good intentions, but he is a knee-jerk emotional person, and this is too close to a lot of painful history for him to think clearly about, hey, remember how this arrangement means you don't have to battle for the fate of the multiverse? He doesn't remember anything that's at stake right now except his own emotions. And it is deeply fucked up to hear that in Bill's mind, being successfully lured into a romantic relationship is a losing condition.]
I KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY BUT I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S TRUE OR NOT. I DON'T KNOW.
[He never thought he'd get to a point where not caring about what was true or false, just saying whatever propelled him through the conversation, would come back to bite him.
He never thought he'd actually lose sight of what was real and what wasn't in the midst of trying to confuse it for everybody else.
He definitely never thought using the fact that the universe is ambiguous and no one knows anything for sure as a weapon would end up being a double-edged one, that suddenly finding the truth would be critically important and it would be out of reach.
Self-loathing is a new one for Bill. It feels like the frustration he has when something totally irrational and stupid is in his way, but this time the irrational and stupid thing is his past self.]
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT YOUR LIFE HAS CHANGED, Y'KNOW? I'VE SEEN YOU DO IT OVER AND OVER. BUT I CAN'T DO IT, FORD. I JUST WANTED TO GO BACK TO HOW IT WAS. I WASN'T HAPPY THEN EITHER, BUT IT WAS NEVER LIKE THIS. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.
[Ford is angry, and upset, and betrayed, and already spiralling into what precautions he's going to have to take now --
-- but this doesn't feel the same as the first time Bill did it. It isn't a gleeful betrayal, it's an I was doing something to you I didn't mean to, and I'm sorry. The first time, all of Ford's feelings about Bill had burned up easier than dry paper, turning to smoke and hot fury. This time, he's still angry, but the old feelings won't catch. They're just kind of sitting here uselessly, refusing to turn into anything much. He doesn't want to feel for Bill, not until he knows for sure it's safe, but what Ford wants has never had much to do with his emotions.]
Surely not to Gravity Falls.
[The inflection on this is almost a question -- it's nicer than saying you don't have a home but Ford's not calm enough to ask, where would home be, if you went there?
WHAT, THE PLACE THAT NEVER EXISTED? I KNOW. [VDZ KLV RZQ GLPHQVLRQ EXUQ] [It's fucking stupid. He wants to go home someplace that never wanted him, and was never a place to begin with.] [PLVVHV KRPH DQG FDQ'W UHWXUQ] IT'S STUPID. IT WAS STILL BETTER THAN HERE. THE SECOND DIMENSION WAS BETTER THAN HERE! I JUST ALWAYS THINK I'M TOO SMART FOR EVERYBODY AROUND ME, AND I SCREW IT UP. [VDBV KH'V KDSSB, KH'V D OLDU] [Bill looks up, finally.] [EODPH WKH DUVRQ IRU WKH ILUH] YOU DESERVE SOMEBODY THAT'S NOT GOING TO SCREW IT UP, FORD. I THINK YOU ALREADY DECIDED, BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT ANYWAY.
[Ow, fuck, what is happening, why are his emotions doing this. Is it just that Bill got hooks in him so deep that even being flat-out told he's been being used doesn't dislodge them? Is Ford just an idiot? Did their circumstances on the Barge forge an emotional connection Ford can't break yet?
(Or did Bill just admit a mistake to him honestly, and quietly, and humbly?)
He wants to fall into the pattern they've already set. Accept that he made a bad judgment call, turn the pain into something he can nurse, a way to put blame for what happened onto somebody else, a force to drive him to work harder, fight fiercer, endure longer.
But that isn't what his feelings are doing. They're fucking caring, is what they're doing. They are still giving a damn about this god damned triangle who's guilty of genocide and severe personal betrayal, but in another world, one that may or may not exist. Who's adrift, like him. It would be easier if they didn't.]
Ah, it -- it isn't about screwing it up. Honestly, I've screwed it up more than my share of times! I'm not angry because you made a mistake, Bill I just -- I don't want to wonder if what's really going on is just you trying to win a game.
[He really thought it wasn't.]
I want --
[He sighs.]
I want you to think about this, think about it hard. Figure out what it was you were really doing to me. If all you ever wanted was to keep the game going until you won, then...then we're through.
[He doesn't know yet if the alternative is even possible. He sure thought it was five minutes ago. Bill might just...not be capable. And if so, Ford is going to have to accept that.]
[Ford doesn't know how to feel about being asked that. Is Bill asking out of care or out of habit? And how does he give a simple answer? What are the parameters of 'okay'? Does 'okay' mean 'back to fighting Bill without feelings getting in the way'? Does it mean 'able to get over the fact that he was tricked again'? Ford is soooo not equipped to answer that question right now.]
[Ford's eyes squeeze shut. Maybe he should have stomped off earlier, like he'd been inches from doing a minute ago. Would've been easier. Just...stop talking. Stop letting Bill get into his head, since that's a thing he was a fool to stop worrying about.
He opens them and says matter-of-factly:]
I'll be fine.
[This has no specific meaning, so it doesn't mean much more than, "I won't die of heartbreak in space." Ford will go on, whatever that looks like.
He doesn't want this to be over. Doesn't want to just...go back to being enemies. He worked so hard, sacrificed so much, in the circumstances leading up to this, and...and in one five-minute conversation, it's all gone. Maybe forever.
It's got to be, though.]
Besides, if you hadn't started this, where would I be? I'd probably never have realized the truth about Gravity Falls. I might already have gone back, never knowing that I'd never get to sail around the world with Stanley, or see the kids grow up. I might've been okay, but I wouldn't have been real. That's important to me.
AND I JUST DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S REAL OR WHAT ISN'T. OR IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE WHEN WE FIGURE IT OUT IT CHANGES OUT FROM UNDER US! OR IT'S ALL BEEN A BIG, STUPID CONTRIVED PLOT TO KEEP US TOGETHER AND ENTERTAINING THE CROWD AND KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE!
[More loopy laughing. This bout is just not going to stop until it's interrupted.]
BUT - HAHA - IT'S NOT WORKING BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT! HAHAHAHAHA-
Bill, stop that. You just got through saying you weren't sure of any of your conclusions, so stop jumping to them for five minutes while we figure out what the heck we're going to do about us!
[Bill blinks hard a few times, wipes away a tear. Hears Mabel's voice in the back of his head: An apology's supposed to be about the person you hurt, not yourself!]
I'VE JUST BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS THE WHOLE TIME YOU'VE BEEN GONE, AND THIS IS ALL I'VE GOT.
[Bill's point sets itself on the tabletop, and he keeps talking, gesturing up at Ford anyway.]
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING. EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I ACCOMPLISHED WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD NEVER BEEN TO EARTH AT ALL, DID YOU KNOW THAT? QUENTIN TOLD ME THAT! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE IF YOU LEAVE, BUT I THINK YOU'RE MAKING THE RIGHT CALL. I, hahah, I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF ANY OF THIS BECOMES CLEARER.
[It's very funny that he's such a mess, and Bill snickers.
Learn about the cosmos? Eh. He already gathers so much information just by having his eyes...]
SERVES ME RIGHT, HUH? I THINK I CAN ANSWER YOUR QUESTION FROM BEFORE. YOU DIDN'T LOSE, I LOST. I LOST TWICE! HAHAH, AHAHAHA...
[This isn't right. This is making it about himself. This isn't how you apologise. But he can't stop, his mouth just keeps running.]
I CAN'T EVEN BE MAD AT YOU FOR KILLING ME. I'M THE ONE THAT STARTED IT. I CAN'T EVEN BE MAD AT YOU FOR THIS, BECAUSE YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! I JUST FELL FOR MY OWN STUPID HYPE. LIKE I'VE EVER HAD AN EMOTION THAT WASN'T A SADISTIC JOKE!
[Bill doubles over again, laughing some more.]
AW, FORDSY.
[He goes still, looks up, eye watery from laughter.]
I LIKED PRETENDING. I LIKED WHO I WAS WITH YOU.
[Likes it a lot better than who it turns out he really is.]
[He can't. He can't handle this right now, can't field Bill's emotions and his own, can't listen to Bill talk about how he's never had a feeling that wasn't a joke and then turn around and say he liked who he was pretending to be better than who he is.
The multiverse can take care of itself for a while. Even if Ford could -- even if he had the emotional bandwidth to help here -- he doesn't trust himself not to make yet another colossal social mistake. He shakes his head and stands up, looking down at Bill perched on the chair. His mind's made up. He's got to go.]
You're going to have to figure this one out on your own, I'm afraid.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2019-10-01 07:25 pm (UTC)[What. W h a t. Under other circumstances, maybe, Ford would be gentler and more sympathetic, but....he is more than a little upset by the fact that Bill, the person whose idea this whole thing was, who drew Ford in by seeming to sincerely care, might....might have just been sincerely caring about winning.
He's a little upset about believing Bill sincerely cared and that turning out to be wrong again. It makes Ford feel very, very stupid.]
How do you not know? You were the one doing it!
This whole relationship was your idea! Are you telling me you don't know if what you actually wanted out of it was to prove you still won?!
[Wait, wait. It gets worse.]
--does being involved with you mean I lose?!
[Ford might be graduated, might be thoughtful, might have good intentions, but he is a knee-jerk emotional person, and this is too close to a lot of painful history for him to think clearly about, hey, remember how this arrangement means you don't have to battle for the fate of the multiverse? He doesn't remember anything that's at stake right now except his own emotions. And it is deeply fucked up to hear that in Bill's mind, being successfully lured into a romantic relationship is a losing condition.]
no subject
Date: 2019-10-01 07:47 pm (UTC)[He never thought he'd get to a point where not caring about what was true or false, just saying whatever propelled him through the conversation, would come back to bite him.
He never thought he'd actually lose sight of what was real and what wasn't in the midst of trying to confuse it for everybody else.
He definitely never thought using the fact that the universe is ambiguous and no one knows anything for sure as a weapon would end up being a double-edged one, that suddenly finding the truth would be critically important and it would be out of reach.
His eye stays in his hands.]
I DON'T KNOW.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-01 08:02 pm (UTC)Bill doesn't want him. He wants the satisfaction of winning.
If Bill doesn't want him, Ford doesn't have leverage to negotiate. At least, not like he thought.
If Ford doesn't have leverage, he can't trust Bill.
If he can't trust Bill, they can't do this.
And if they can't do this, they have to go back to how they were.]
....was there anything else I should know about?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-01 08:28 pm (UTC)Self-loathing is a new one for Bill. It feels like the frustration he has when something totally irrational and stupid is in his way, but this time the irrational and stupid thing is his past self.]
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT YOUR LIFE HAS CHANGED, Y'KNOW? I'VE SEEN YOU DO IT OVER AND OVER. BUT I CAN'T DO IT, FORD. I JUST WANTED TO GO BACK TO HOW IT WAS. I WASN'T HAPPY THEN EITHER, BUT IT WAS NEVER LIKE THIS. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-01 08:46 pm (UTC)-- but this doesn't feel the same as the first time Bill did it. It isn't a gleeful betrayal, it's an I was doing something to you I didn't mean to, and I'm sorry. The first time, all of Ford's feelings about Bill had burned up easier than dry paper, turning to smoke and hot fury. This time, he's still angry, but the old feelings won't catch. They're just kind of sitting here uselessly, refusing to turn into anything much. He doesn't want to feel for Bill, not until he knows for sure it's safe, but what Ford wants has never had much to do with his emotions.]
Surely not to Gravity Falls.
[The inflection on this is almost a question -- it's nicer than saying you don't have a home but Ford's not calm enough to ask, where would home be, if you went there?
Neither of them has a home anymore.]
no subject
Date: 2019-10-01 08:58 pm (UTC)[VDZ KLV RZQ GLPHQVLRQ EXUQ]
[It's fucking stupid. He wants to go home someplace that never wanted him, and was never a place to begin with.]
[PLVVHV KRPH DQG FDQ'W UHWXUQ]
IT'S STUPID. IT WAS STILL BETTER THAN HERE. THE SECOND DIMENSION WAS BETTER THAN HERE! I JUST ALWAYS THINK I'M TOO SMART FOR EVERYBODY AROUND ME, AND I SCREW IT UP.
[VDBV KH'V KDSSB, KH'V D OLDU]
[Bill looks up, finally.]
[EODPH WKH DUVRQ IRU WKH ILUH]
YOU DESERVE SOMEBODY THAT'S NOT GOING TO SCREW IT UP, FORD. I THINK YOU ALREADY DECIDED, BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT ANYWAY.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-01 09:47 pm (UTC)(Or did Bill just admit a mistake to him honestly, and quietly, and humbly?)
He wants to fall into the pattern they've already set. Accept that he made a bad judgment call, turn the pain into something he can nurse, a way to put blame for what happened onto somebody else, a force to drive him to work harder, fight fiercer, endure longer.
But that isn't what his feelings are doing. They're fucking caring, is what they're doing. They are still giving a damn about this god damned triangle who's guilty of genocide and severe personal betrayal, but in another world, one that may or may not exist. Who's adrift, like him. It would be easier if they didn't.]
Ah, it -- it isn't about screwing it up. Honestly, I've screwed it up more than my share of times! I'm not angry because you made a mistake, Bill I just -- I don't want to wonder if what's really going on is just you trying to win a game.
[He really thought it wasn't.]
I want --
[He sighs.]
I want you to think about this, think about it hard. Figure out what it was you were really doing to me. If all you ever wanted was to keep the game going until you won, then...then we're through.
[He doesn't know yet if the alternative is even possible. He sure thought it was five minutes ago. Bill might just...not be capable. And if so, Ford is going to have to accept that.]
no subject
Date: 2019-10-01 10:19 pm (UTC)ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY IF THAT'S HOW THIS ENDS?
[The codependent instinct to make sure that Ford is managed definitely hasn't gone away, but Bill's not sure if that's a good sign or a bad one.]
no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 01:37 am (UTC)Does it matter?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 01:52 am (UTC)[Sigh.]
AND I GUESS IF I WANTED YOU TO BE OKAY I SHOULDN'T HAVE STARTED ANY OF THIS.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 02:51 am (UTC)He opens them and says matter-of-factly:]
I'll be fine.
[This has no specific meaning, so it doesn't mean much more than, "I won't die of heartbreak in space." Ford will go on, whatever that looks like.
He doesn't want this to be over. Doesn't want to just...go back to being enemies. He worked so hard, sacrificed so much, in the circumstances leading up to this, and...and in one five-minute conversation, it's all gone. Maybe forever.
It's got to be, though.]
Besides, if you hadn't started this, where would I be? I'd probably never have realized the truth about Gravity Falls. I might already have gone back, never knowing that I'd never get to sail around the world with Stanley, or see the kids grow up. I might've been okay, but I wouldn't have been real. That's important to me.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 03:12 am (UTC)[Bill giggles, high and brittle.]
AND I JUST DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S REAL OR WHAT ISN'T. OR IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE WHEN WE FIGURE IT OUT IT CHANGES OUT FROM UNDER US! OR IT'S ALL BEEN A BIG, STUPID CONTRIVED PLOT TO KEEP US TOGETHER AND ENTERTAINING THE CROWD AND KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE!
[More loopy laughing. This bout is just not going to stop until it's interrupted.]
BUT - HAHA - IT'S NOT WORKING BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT! HAHAHAHAHA-
no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 03:24 am (UTC)[It's sharp.]
Bill, stop that. You just got through saying you weren't sure of any of your conclusions, so stop jumping to them for five minutes while we figure out what the heck we're going to do about us!
no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 03:59 am (UTC)[Bill blinks hard a few times, wipes away a tear. Hears Mabel's voice in the back of his head: An apology's supposed to be about the person you hurt, not yourself!]
I'VE JUST BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS THE WHOLE TIME YOU'VE BEEN GONE, AND THIS IS ALL I'VE GOT.
[Bill's point sets itself on the tabletop, and he keeps talking, gesturing up at Ford anyway.]
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING. EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I ACCOMPLISHED WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD NEVER BEEN TO EARTH AT ALL, DID YOU KNOW THAT? QUENTIN TOLD ME THAT! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE IF YOU LEAVE, BUT I THINK YOU'RE MAKING THE RIGHT CALL. I, hahah, I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF ANY OF THIS BECOMES CLEARER.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 01:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 01:56 pm (UTC)[It's very funny that he's such a mess, and Bill snickers.
Learn about the cosmos? Eh. He already gathers so much information just by having his eyes...]
SERVES ME RIGHT, HUH? I THINK I CAN ANSWER YOUR QUESTION FROM BEFORE. YOU DIDN'T LOSE, I LOST. I LOST TWICE! HAHAH, AHAHAHA...
[This isn't right. This is making it about himself. This isn't how you apologise. But he can't stop, his mouth just keeps running.]
I CAN'T EVEN BE MAD AT YOU FOR KILLING ME. I'M THE ONE THAT STARTED IT. I CAN'T EVEN BE MAD AT YOU FOR THIS, BECAUSE YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! I JUST FELL FOR MY OWN STUPID HYPE. LIKE I'VE EVER HAD AN EMOTION THAT WASN'T A SADISTIC JOKE!
[Bill doubles over again, laughing some more.]
AW, FORDSY.
[He goes still, looks up, eye watery from laughter.]
I LIKED PRETENDING. I LIKED WHO I WAS WITH YOU.
[Likes it a lot better than who it turns out he really is.]
no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 02:15 pm (UTC)The multiverse can take care of itself for a while. Even if Ford could -- even if he had the emotional bandwidth to help here -- he doesn't trust himself not to make yet another colossal social mistake. He shakes his head and stands up, looking down at Bill perched on the chair. His mind's made up. He's got to go.]
You're going to have to figure this one out on your own, I'm afraid.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 02:46 pm (UTC)[But it was nice while it lasted. Bill forces him a watery smile, floats upwards.]
IT'S YOUR PROGRAM! I'LL GO.
[Hang out and look at the stars a bit, it's cool.]
no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 03:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 03:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-02 03:44 pm (UTC)Damn it.