[Is he....not okay? Bill seems very sure that Ford is not okay. But if he weren't okay, he'd have noticed, right? But Bill knows him. Bill's Ford-knowledge is better than Ford's self-knowledge. Maybe....Ford should think about this? That he is unhappy with who he is?
....who he is is disconnected from what is acceptable normal behavior, which is just a fact that makes life more difficult, not something to like or dislike. He's fine.]
Okay.
....[Is he missing something?]
....I'm not about to become incapacitated because of something I've missed, am I?
"WELL, I WAS IN THE POOL FOR AWHILE. HAD TO THINK ABOUT SOME STUFF. I THINK I'M GOING TO TRY TO BRING BACK THE SECOND DIMENSION. AND LUKE IS DEPRESSED ABOUT SOMETHING KYLO TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS FUTURE, BUT THAT'S BEEN ON LOW BOIL FOR A LONG TIME I THINK?
[Oh dear. Well, the bit about Luke is concerning for sure, and he can't help wondering how long Bill was in the pool, but one of those things gets most of his attention.]
You're really bringing back the world you came from?
[Disregard the what-about-you, Ford can get back to talking about himself whenever! This is big.]
NOT EVERYBODY WAS AWFUL. WHEN LUKE LIVED THERE, HE JOINED A REBELLION. YOU KNOW, THE WAY HE DOES. BUT I CAN'T EASILY PICK OUT WHO DESERVED TO LIVE OR DIE! AND I'M OUT ANYWAY, THAT'S ALL I WANTED.
....I'd like to hear what happened to you, if you ever want to tell me. Oh, I know a few things here and there, probably more than anyone else without a warden file! But I never got the full story.
[He's got Ford's full attention. It couldn't be more different from the last time Bill talked to him about the second dimension, when Ford wasn't interested in hearing it, when he was trying to work out his next move before it was too late, when the last thing he was ever going to to was shake Bill's hand.
[Bill actually unwinds a little here. Puts some distance between them, so he can pace in mid-air. He has both hands behind his back, held at the elbows, which is a gesture he's got no idea he's picked up from Ford but super has.]
THE FIRST THING YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT LIVING THERE IS THAT NOBODY IN THE SECOND DIMENSION'S EVER SEEN THE SKY! THERE'D HAVE TO BE SERIOUS ANATOMY CHANGES FOR THOSE GUYS TO BE CAPABLE OF LOOKING 'UP', AND THEN YOU'D HAVE TO GIVE THEM A CONCEPT OF 'UP'! AND THEN THERE'D NEED TO BE SOMETHING UP THERE TO SEE! THERE ISN'T, IT DOESN'T EXIST! I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS WHY THEY'RE ALL SO BORING, BUT IT MIGHT BE! THEY THINK WHAT'S IN FRONT OF THEM IS IT! IT'S EVERYTHING! THEY'RE A BUNCH OF NOTHING-PEOPLE WITH NO IMAGINATION IN THEIR HEADS -
[His gesutures have been getting more and more animated, and the frustration in his expression peaks here before he realizes he's getting derailed.]
[Ok, ok, let's try to eat this entire cake from another angle.]
THE SECOND DIMENSION'S... NOT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS. BUT THEY'RE SCARED. ALL OF THEM ARE SCARED, ALL THE TIME, AND BEING SCARED MAKES PEOPLE ACT LIKE ANIMALS.
THAT'S INSULTING TO ANIMALS. MAYBE WE SHOULD SAY SCARED ANIMALS ACT LIKE PEOPLE!
WHAT I MEAN IS - THERE, YOU CAN GET EXECUTED FOR A LOT OF IRRATIONAL CRAP! LIKE ARCHITECTURAL MISTAKES, OR PAINTING IN COLOR. THERE'S NO COLOR, FORD, IT'S TERRIBLE THERE. THEIR VISION IS AWFUL, SO THERE'S TONS OF LAWS ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN AND CAN'T MAKE FOR PEOPLE TO ACCIDENTALLY BUMP INTO, LIKE SOME IDIOT BUMPING INTO YOUR HOUSE IS YOUR OWN FAULT AND NOT HIS -
[The gestures are happening again, and Bill yanks his arms down to his sides and balls them into frustrated fists. This is uncomfortable, and he'd rather talk about virtually anything else. He's trying to change the subject. Just do it. Just get it over with.]
UGH. OKAY, AGAIN, AGAIN. STARTING OVER AGAIN! I GOT IT THIS TIME.
[Calm down. Bill's eye shuts.]
I WANTED TO STUDY MATHEMATICS.
[We're on a path now, and the words come pouring out. The pacing starts again.]
MATH IS THE SAME EVERYWHERE, ON EVERY PLANET. MATH IS AN INHERENT PART OF THE UNIVERSE THAT ANYONE CAN DISCOVER! THE CONCEPTS HAVE DIFFERENT NAMES, BUT EVERY CIVILIZATION HAS NUMBERS AND DOES THINGS WITH THOSE NUMBERS. MOSTLY DOES THE SAME THINGS! YOU DON'T NEED TOOLS, YOU DON'T NEED - ALRIGHT YOU DO NEED SOME TRAINING. BUT YOU CAN TRAIN ON BOOKS, IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO TEACH YOURSELF. IT'S A USEFUL FIELD. IT'S A FIELD WHERE THERE'S LANGUAGE TO IMAGINE THINGS THAT DIDN'T EXIST YET!
[He IS getting hyped about math, and the yellow glow of his body starts to display images like an old television, stars and numbers on a background of velvet black.]
IT'S WHERE CREATING A PART OF THE UNIVERSE AND DESCRIBING A PART OF THE UNIVERSE ARE THE SAME THING! BUT BEING BORN HOW I WAS, THERE WAS NO WAY THEY'D LET ME GO INTO THAT WITHOUT ME DOING SOME SHADY STUFF FIRST...
[The stars fritz out into grey static.]
YOU ALREADY KNOW TRIANGLES ARE PRETTY LOW-CLASS, EH, I SAW IT IN YOUR JOURNAL. THAT'S A NICE WAY TO PUT IT. CIRCLES TOLD EVERYBODY TO TREAT US LIKE DIRT, SO THEY DID! PEOPLE LOOKED AT ME FOR YEARS AND THOUGHT IF I WASN'T BUSY JOINING THE ARMY I'D PROBABLY END UP A CRIMINAL.
[A pause to stare into the middle distance, in mild horror.]
[When Bill starts talking about math, Ford's expression changes -- softens. This is far from the first time he's heard Bill get excited enough about math to start on a tangent about it, but this is the first time it's been in the context of something Bill wants -- something he saw, very early in his life, and it's beautiful. Ford listens, more than a little spellbound --
-- and only snaps out of it at the idea of Bill in the army. He can't help it -- he gives a short ha!]
No, I...really can't.
[He's back in the moment again.]
content warning: harm to children mentioned, eugenics
[Bill gives him a tired little eye-smile. Heyy, joke landed.]
MY PARENTS WERE BOTH ISOSCELES, BUT SOMETIMES STUFF HAPPENS! THEIR FIRST TWO KIDS WERE BOTH IRREGULAR! MY OFFICIAL ANGLES ARE 62, 59, 59.
[He stays still, touches his points as he narrates. Top one is the obtuse angle.]
YOU NEEDED INSTRUMENTS TO MEASURE IT, OTHERWISE I JUST LOOK SIXTY-SIXTY-SIXTY!
[Shrug. It clearly isn't a big deal, any rational person can see it's not a big deal.]
BUT THEY DID HAVE INSTRUMENTS, SO THE ULTIMATUM WAS THAT I HAD UNTIL FOURTEEN OR SO FOR THE DEFORMITY TO CLEAR UP! DISPOSAL OF KIDS LIKE ME WAS THE POLICY - MY PARENTS WERE GOING TO HAND ME OVER SO THAT WHATEVER MADE ME THE WRONG KIND OF SHAPE WOULDN'T GET PASSED ON INTO THE GENERAL GENETIC SUPPLY! EVEN THOUGH IT WAS TECHNICALLY THEIR FAULT. IT DIDN'T GO OVER WELL WHEN I SAID WE SHOULD KILL THEM BOTH INSTEAD, YOU CAN IMAGINE. NOT BIG PEOPLE TO TAKE A JOKE, THOSE GUYS.
YOU KNOW, FOR A SOCIETY THAT WAS ALL ABOUT NATURE CREATING THE FITTEST CREATURES NATURALLY, THEY SURE DID A LOT TO MAKE SURE THAT NEW MUTATIONS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BENEFICIAL WERE CUT OFF AT THE ROOT! EVERYONE WAS REAL PUZZLED AT HOW STAGNATED SOCIETY WAS. MYSTERIOUS, WOW.
ANYWAY, THAT'S NOT TO SAY MY PARENTS DIDN'T CARE - THEY CARED A LOT! THEIR REPUTATIONS COULD BE RUINED!
[Wide blinking and pretend shock. Bill puts his hands up to his eye. oh no!
Then he drops it.]
NOT THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAD ANY. THE SOLUTION THAT WAS IN VOGUE WAS MEDICAL TREATMENTS ON IRREGULAR KIDS - IF YOU BREAK UP THEIR FRAME WHILE THEY'RE STILL SOFT, YOU CAN TRY TO RE-SHAPE IT.
[The gesture here is like snapping a little twig.]
MOSTLY IT GOT USED BY MIDDLE NOBILITY WANTING THEIR KIDS TO MOVE UP A CLASS AND TRYING TO FORCE THEM TO GROW ANOTHER SIDE. SOMETIMES IT WORKED! WHAT'S NINE DEAD NORMAL KIDS COMPARED TO ONE KID THAT MAKES A GOOD TROPHY? YOU'VE GOTTA SPEND MONEY TO MAKE MONEY! MY OLDER BROTHER DIED THAT WAY. NEVER EVEN KNEW HIM! I LIVED THROUGH IT, SURE, BUT THEY COULDN'T MAKE ME LOOK NORMAL, SO THAT ALSO COUNTED AS A FAILURE! I THINK MOM AND DAD JUST KEPT PUMPING OUT KIDS AFTER ME TRYING TO GET A GOOD ONE - I DIDN'T KEEP IN TOUCH!
[Something makes him pause, although all of this is said pretty breezily.]
I WONDER IF HE WAS LIKE LUKE.
[This thought seems to actually snag Bill's train of thought to a standstill, and he's clearly struggling with some kind of emotion.]
LUKE REMEMBERS MY PARENTS, NOW. HE HAD THE SAME LIFE, HE PUT UP WITH THE SAME CRAP, IT JUST WENT DIFFERENTLY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE DID. I STILL DON'T REALLY KNOW! HE MUST HAVE ASKED SOMEBODY FOR HELP THAT I NEVER TALKED TO, OR GOTTEN SOMEONE'S ATTENTION, I -...
I CAN'T THINK ABOUT THIS. I WON'T FINISH THE STORY.
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[He shifts in the arm nest, finding a hand to squeeze affectionately.]
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I just happen to know all of the things I'm not good at!
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[come on dont do the thing youre doing]
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[He is totally not but Ford's definition of "fine" is "not immediately falling apart and able to continue on," so it's not a lie.]
I have a healthy estimation of my own abilities.
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AAAGH.
[DO NOT MANAGE]
OKAY. OKAY. I'M TRUSTING YOU, THAT YOU'RE FINE.
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....who he is is disconnected from what is acceptable normal behavior, which is just a fact that makes life more difficult, not something to like or dislike. He's fine.]
Okay.
....[Is he missing something?]
....I'm not about to become incapacitated because of something I've missed, am I?
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[what's bill know that ford doesnt know? this is going to nag at him, but he doesn't want to go into it now.]
Is there anything else I've missed? Not about my mental state. I mean in general! With you!
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WHAT ABOUT YOU."
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You're really bringing back the world you came from?
[Disregard the what-about-you, Ford can get back to talking about himself whenever! This is big.]
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YEAH. EVEN IF IT WAS NEVER REAL, I REMEMBER IT AND LUKE REMEMBERS IT.
[Wait, does he need to clarify that?]
FROM THE FLOOD WHERE HE WAS A TRIANGLE.
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He mentioned that his world was terrible.
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[Not that he's arguing, he's just really surprised.]
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....
....I'd like to hear what happened to you, if you ever want to tell me. Oh, I know a few things here and there, probably more than anyone else without a warden file! But I never got the full story.
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[Yeah, Bill has never really talked about it.]
LUKE DOESN'T KNOW ALL OF IT EITHER.
[Bill's suddenly gone quieter, and he shifts all his arms.]
YEAH. OKAY.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO WRITE IT ANYWHERE, THOUGH. I'VE GONE BACK ON THE DEATH THING, BUT REMEMBERING IT... SHOULD LIVE ON IN AS FEW PLACES AS POSSIBLE.
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[He's got Ford's full attention. It couldn't be more different from the last time Bill talked to him about the second dimension, when Ford wasn't interested in hearing it, when he was trying to work out his next move before it was too late, when the last thing he was ever going to to was shake Bill's hand.
Ford wants to know.]
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THE FIRST THING YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT LIVING THERE IS THAT NOBODY IN THE SECOND DIMENSION'S EVER SEEN THE SKY! THERE'D HAVE TO BE SERIOUS ANATOMY CHANGES FOR THOSE GUYS TO BE CAPABLE OF LOOKING 'UP', AND THEN YOU'D HAVE TO GIVE THEM A CONCEPT OF 'UP'! AND THEN THERE'D NEED TO BE SOMETHING UP THERE TO SEE! THERE ISN'T, IT DOESN'T EXIST! I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS WHY THEY'RE ALL SO BORING, BUT IT MIGHT BE! THEY THINK WHAT'S IN FRONT OF THEM IS IT! IT'S EVERYTHING! THEY'RE A BUNCH OF NOTHING-PEOPLE WITH NO IMAGINATION IN THEIR HEADS -
[His gesutures have been getting more and more animated, and the frustration in his expression peaks here before he realizes he's getting derailed.]
UUUUGH. LET ME START OVER.
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Okay.
[Still listening. Give it another try.]
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THE SECOND DIMENSION'S... NOT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS. BUT THEY'RE SCARED. ALL OF THEM ARE SCARED, ALL THE TIME, AND BEING SCARED MAKES PEOPLE ACT LIKE ANIMALS.
THAT'S INSULTING TO ANIMALS. MAYBE WE SHOULD SAY SCARED ANIMALS ACT LIKE PEOPLE!
WHAT I MEAN IS - THERE, YOU CAN GET EXECUTED FOR A LOT OF IRRATIONAL CRAP! LIKE ARCHITECTURAL MISTAKES, OR PAINTING IN COLOR. THERE'S NO COLOR, FORD, IT'S TERRIBLE THERE. THEIR VISION IS AWFUL, SO THERE'S TONS OF LAWS ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN AND CAN'T MAKE FOR PEOPLE TO ACCIDENTALLY BUMP INTO, LIKE SOME IDIOT BUMPING INTO YOUR HOUSE IS YOUR OWN FAULT AND NOT HIS -
[The gestures are happening again, and Bill yanks his arms down to his sides and balls them into frustrated fists. This is uncomfortable, and he'd rather talk about virtually anything else. He's trying to change the subject. Just do it. Just get it over with.]
UGH. OKAY, AGAIN, AGAIN. STARTING OVER AGAIN! I GOT IT THIS TIME.
[Calm down. Bill's eye shuts.]
I WANTED TO STUDY MATHEMATICS.
[We're on a path now, and the words come pouring out. The pacing starts again.]
MATH IS THE SAME EVERYWHERE, ON EVERY PLANET. MATH IS AN INHERENT PART OF THE UNIVERSE THAT ANYONE CAN DISCOVER! THE CONCEPTS HAVE DIFFERENT NAMES, BUT EVERY CIVILIZATION HAS NUMBERS AND DOES THINGS WITH THOSE NUMBERS. MOSTLY DOES THE SAME THINGS! YOU DON'T NEED TOOLS, YOU DON'T NEED - ALRIGHT YOU DO NEED SOME TRAINING. BUT YOU CAN TRAIN ON BOOKS, IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO TEACH YOURSELF. IT'S A USEFUL FIELD. IT'S A FIELD WHERE THERE'S LANGUAGE TO IMAGINE THINGS THAT DIDN'T EXIST YET!
[He IS getting hyped about math, and the yellow glow of his body starts to display images like an old television, stars and numbers on a background of velvet black.]
IT'S WHERE CREATING A PART OF THE UNIVERSE AND DESCRIBING A PART OF THE UNIVERSE ARE THE SAME THING! BUT BEING BORN HOW I WAS, THERE WAS NO WAY THEY'D LET ME GO INTO THAT WITHOUT ME DOING SOME SHADY STUFF FIRST...
[The stars fritz out into grey static.]
YOU ALREADY KNOW TRIANGLES ARE PRETTY LOW-CLASS, EH, I SAW IT IN YOUR JOURNAL. THAT'S A NICE WAY TO PUT IT. CIRCLES TOLD EVERYBODY TO TREAT US LIKE DIRT, SO THEY DID! PEOPLE LOOKED AT ME FOR YEARS AND THOUGHT IF I WASN'T BUSY JOINING THE ARMY I'D PROBABLY END UP A CRIMINAL.
[A pause to stare into the middle distance, in mild horror.]
CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE ME IN THE ARMY? YEESH.
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-- and only snaps out of it at the idea of Bill in the army. He can't help it -- he gives a short ha!]
No, I...really can't.
[He's back in the moment again.]
content warning: harm to children mentioned, eugenics
MY PARENTS WERE BOTH ISOSCELES, BUT SOMETIMES STUFF HAPPENS! THEIR FIRST TWO KIDS WERE BOTH IRREGULAR! MY OFFICIAL ANGLES ARE 62, 59, 59.
[He stays still, touches his points as he narrates. Top one is the obtuse angle.]
YOU NEEDED INSTRUMENTS TO MEASURE IT, OTHERWISE I JUST LOOK SIXTY-SIXTY-SIXTY!
[Shrug. It clearly isn't a big deal, any rational person can see it's not a big deal.]
BUT THEY DID HAVE INSTRUMENTS, SO THE ULTIMATUM WAS THAT I HAD UNTIL FOURTEEN OR SO FOR THE DEFORMITY TO CLEAR UP! DISPOSAL OF KIDS LIKE ME WAS THE POLICY - MY PARENTS WERE GOING TO HAND ME OVER SO THAT WHATEVER MADE ME THE WRONG KIND OF SHAPE WOULDN'T GET PASSED ON INTO THE GENERAL GENETIC SUPPLY! EVEN THOUGH IT WAS TECHNICALLY THEIR FAULT. IT DIDN'T GO OVER WELL WHEN I SAID WE SHOULD KILL THEM BOTH INSTEAD, YOU CAN IMAGINE. NOT BIG PEOPLE TO TAKE A JOKE, THOSE GUYS.
YOU KNOW, FOR A SOCIETY THAT WAS ALL ABOUT NATURE CREATING THE FITTEST CREATURES NATURALLY, THEY SURE DID A LOT TO MAKE SURE THAT NEW MUTATIONS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BENEFICIAL WERE CUT OFF AT THE ROOT! EVERYONE WAS REAL PUZZLED AT HOW STAGNATED SOCIETY WAS. MYSTERIOUS, WOW.
ANYWAY, THAT'S NOT TO SAY MY PARENTS DIDN'T CARE - THEY CARED A LOT! THEIR REPUTATIONS COULD BE RUINED!
[Wide blinking and pretend shock. Bill puts his hands up to his eye. oh no!
Then he drops it.]
NOT THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAD ANY. THE SOLUTION THAT WAS IN VOGUE WAS MEDICAL TREATMENTS ON IRREGULAR KIDS - IF YOU BREAK UP THEIR FRAME WHILE THEY'RE STILL SOFT, YOU CAN TRY TO RE-SHAPE IT.
[The gesture here is like snapping a little twig.]
MOSTLY IT GOT USED BY MIDDLE NOBILITY WANTING THEIR KIDS TO MOVE UP A CLASS AND TRYING TO FORCE THEM TO GROW ANOTHER SIDE. SOMETIMES IT WORKED! WHAT'S NINE DEAD NORMAL KIDS COMPARED TO ONE KID THAT MAKES A GOOD TROPHY? YOU'VE GOTTA SPEND MONEY TO MAKE MONEY! MY OLDER BROTHER DIED THAT WAY. NEVER EVEN KNEW HIM! I LIVED THROUGH IT, SURE, BUT THEY COULDN'T MAKE ME LOOK NORMAL, SO THAT ALSO COUNTED AS A FAILURE! I THINK MOM AND DAD JUST KEPT PUMPING OUT KIDS AFTER ME TRYING TO GET A GOOD ONE - I DIDN'T KEEP IN TOUCH!
[Something makes him pause, although all of this is said pretty breezily.]
I WONDER IF HE WAS LIKE LUKE.
[This thought seems to actually snag Bill's train of thought to a standstill, and he's clearly struggling with some kind of emotion.]
LUKE REMEMBERS MY PARENTS, NOW. HE HAD THE SAME LIFE, HE PUT UP WITH THE SAME CRAP, IT JUST WENT DIFFERENTLY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE DID. I STILL DON'T REALLY KNOW! HE MUST HAVE ASKED SOMEBODY FOR HELP THAT I NEVER TALKED TO, OR GOTTEN SOMEONE'S ATTENTION, I -...
I CAN'T THINK ABOUT THIS. I WON'T FINISH THE STORY.
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more eugenics stuff, ableist language
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