That -- that's a long story. It's complicated by the fact that I am very angry that he went behind my back about this. I'll tell you, if you want to hear it, but I need to talk to him soon too, about what the hell he's trying to pull here.
[Yup card table's where they're goin'. Ford clears some miscellaneous science supplies off of it and sets down two glasses and a bottle of scotch he's clearly already been at, it's like 3/4 gone. As he pours:]
Bill and I go back a long time. I first met him in Gravity Falls, back in 1981. I was looking for an explanation, a theory that would explain why Gravity Falls was so weird. Something that would account for the ghosts, the aliens, the cryptids, and magic. My research had come to a standstill, and I was getting desperate. That's when I found writing in a cave, describing a being with answers. It warned me not to summon him, but I did it anyway. After all, they'd left the instructions. How bad could it be?
Horrible. He convinced me that the only way to complete my research was to build an interdimensional portal. He said it would lead to the dimension that all of the weirdness was coming from.
Instead, it led to him. He was trapped in an unstable, decaying, nondimensional space, and he'd been planning to use me to get out of it.
[He takes a drink.]
He's been trying to physically reach our world for thousands of years, Stan. The pyramids used to look like him, but the arms all fell off. George Washington made a deal with him to win the Revolutionary War, which is why his face is on all our currency. He even helped Stanley Kubrick fake the moon landing!
Sounds like he hasn't gotten that far if he's been trying that long.
[Sure, Bill almost destroyed their world, but Stan refuses to be impressed. He takes a swig of his own drink and mulls it over though - and probably skips a few steps to cut to the chase.]
So, he's your ex? You got back together with your ex?
[Even Ford has to know that never ends well, right? ...Right?]
No! I told you, nothing happened before the Barge! True, I admit, I had some -- unprofessional feelings back when I thought he was actually going to help me, and he developed a huge crush sometime in the '90s, but we were never involved!
[Even in this serious conversation, making Ford uncomfortable about a crush is always funny, so Stan can't help laughing at the reaction. It's entertaining, but the moment doesn't last.]
Then you got together after that whole... [Fuck, he already forgot the name of it.] ...Weird Apocalypse thing. What changed?
[Ford's shoulders slump, and he looks down at his scotch glass.]
A lot of things.
When I first showed up here, I hated him. I couldn't believe that he was still alive. It seemed so unfair, that after everything we'd done, after everything you sacrificed, that someone had decided to bring him back! I thought the Admiral had to be an idiot to take the risk, and I knew that if Bill had enough time, he would find a way to escape. He's been around for trillions of years, and he's destroyed entire universes before. I was torn. Did I trust the Admiral to keep him here, or did I need to find a way to stop him again?
At first, I....I tried to let it go. He wasn't my problem anymore. The Admiral brought him back, and the Admiral could deal with him. I just wanted to learn whatever it was I needed to in order to graduate, and then go back home. For the first few months, I just ignored him!
But then I met Steve, who had damaged the Barge's systems before. If he could do it, so could Bill. I had to admit that this place wasn't secure.
Uh. ...None of that sounds like a reason to get "involved" with somebody. [Finger quotes and everything, since he's stealing Ford's word for it.] And I oughta know! I've had terrible reasons to date people!
I'm getting there! First I have to explain why I decided to even give him the time of day, after everything he did to you and the kids!
Anyway, I knew the Barge wasn't a safe place to keep him, but I also couldn't fight him here. Even if I managed to kill him, he'd just come back! On top of that, everyone and their brother was giving me the same advice: stop fighting him, because people just get hurt. So, when he had an emotional breakdown, let me out of an old deal I'd made with him in the '80s, and admitted in a fit of rage that he actually cared about me, I thought that the most efficient way to make sure he wasn't a threat anymore and get back to our sailing adventure was to wait for Bill to graduate. After all, if Bill Cipher could develop an actual attachment to a human, that meant that whatever the Barge was doing had to be working. I'd just wait it out. Either he'd graduate or he'd disappear. And, since I figured being ignored by the one person he cared about would slow down the process, I agreed to talk to him.
When we were working on the portal, I....I made a deal with him to take over my body while I was asleep, so he could keep working while I rested. To...keep the project on schedule.
The point is, I had to deal with Bill differently on the Barge. I was still angry about what he did, but I had to find a way to move past it if I wanted to get anything done.
Let me see, did anything else important happen before the Bargeyard? We agreed to play Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons....Horseriver sacrificed me to give Bill a conscience for a few minutes...Bill was flirting but I had no idea....
Oh, yes. It was a blood ritual. Apparently, Horseriver had a score to settle and my blood was the only stuff that'd do. I was better within a week, and he graduated and left shortly after. I made sure it wouldn't happen again, though: my coat's got anti-magic wards on it, and I've made it so my blood can't be used for anything like that ever again.
That kind of thing happens around here, Stan. Sometimes, you just get killed! It's a little bit like taking a punch. It hurts, and you're sore for a while, but you can't punch back without ticking off all their friends. And, if you're a warden, getting demoted. Usually, revenge just isn't worth it.
...besides, some people are popular enough that they can kill a bunch of people in horrible ways and then nobody blinks when they start offering to give other people therapy.
[Stan sputters. Even though he's pretty flippant over his own mortality, he can't believe Ford would be like that. It actually kind of pisses him off enough to snap a little.]
I know people can die here, Ford! I got the spiel and that's not the problem! You don't get it!
[He blurts it out without thinking, a quick flare of temper that gets the better of him. Of course Ford doesn't get it. He wasn't the one who had to watch his brother get knocked overboard in a storm by some goddamn overgrown squid. He isn't the one whose brother sank into waves just two weeks after they'd finally made up.
As soon as he says it though, he realizes he doesn't actually want to talk about it, and it's enough to force him into a simmer. He crosses his arms and manages to pull back into just irritation.]
Ugh, just forget it! Alright, you got sacrificed so your shitty soon-to-be-boyfriend could have a conscience for two minutes. Next!
[Oh. Oh, he's said something insensitive again. Ford didn't think Stan didn't know people could die here. It was Stan's reaction to Ford getting sacrificed that made him think Stan wasn't as resolved to death as an everyday occurrence. He'd been trying to communicate that he, Ford, was okay with it, so Stan didn't have to be upset by it.
It's tempting to let Stan change the subject, to take the out and continue the story. But Ford actually pauses here, his eyebrows furrowing. Stan's important to him, and Ford wants to figure out where his misstep was.]
--I'm sorry, Stan. It's just that -- being killed doesn't mean what it used to, to me. That's what I was trying to explain. Getting used to it has -- it's helped me get by.
[But Ford dying, even though it isn't permanent, still upsets Stan. Ford probably shouldn't bring it up, if he can help it.]
It's all right. I'm okay, Stanley.
[annnnnd if he's missed the mark again they can just keep talking.]
[Stan bristles when Ford doesn't change the subject, when he circles back in to actually figure out what's wrong. He's never liked attention on more emotional issues, especially ones that don't have a clear-cut solution and answer. Stan can't look Ford in the eye while he's explaining himself, but the anger seems to have burned out.
Ford's...trying. That's still pretty new to Stan, even after a few weeks of it back home. It's still something that comes as a surprise. Unfortunately, it's a surprise that trips Stan up sometimes - like when he expects Ford to take the bait and change the subject instead of focusing on what's wrong with him.
Though, one thing does help. Tension slips out of his shoulders at Ford's insistence that he's okay. Because...well, he is. He's sitting right there across from him. He's alive - he even graduated, so it's not like Stan has to worry about that part. He really is okay.]
Yeah, yeah. I know. It's dumb. Don't worry about it.
[He tries to shrug it off, and takes what is probably a longer drink than is strictly necessary. Then, he forces up a grin. He's good! He's good. ...Hopefully Ford believes he's good.]
[...it's good enough. Ford doesn't trust that he's going to be able to work through this one right now. But he'll try to remember that him dying upsets Stan, even though it doesn't upset Ford. ...mostly.]
That's right. The Admiral took the ship in for overdue maintenance. You already know part of it -- that's where he failed that performance review and forced us all to run off with him. It's also where I met an alternate version of you and the kids -- and Bill.
You were an inmate on one ship, and the kids were wardens. The other Bill was a warden on a third ship, which means he had all of his powers. All he wanted was to trigger your memories and bring his alternate self back to life.
I tried so hard to prevent it. Tried every trick I knew! In the end, we lost -- and that Bill told me something disturbing. He said that the alternate Ford on his ship came from a world where the plan you came up with wasn't possible. That Ford had had to make a deal with him to save the kids, and that Bill had kept him alive. They were partners. In, ah, every sense of the word.
[Yes, that's his first immediate take away. Who the hell would make Bill Cipher a warden?
He's not terribly surprised to hear that he was an inmate. It just confirms what he already suspected - that he really toes the line, and that he should probably watch his step.]
Huh. Wonder why it wasn't? But the whole thing sounds kinda like... [He snaps his fingers a couple times.] What's that thing where you get kidnapped and get obsessed with the guy who kidnapped you again?
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Wow, I'm so shocked he went behind your back here! That doesn't sound like something the literal villain of our stupid show would do at all!
[He crosses his arms.]
If I didn't wanna hear it I wouldn't have asked, you knucklehead.
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You had probably better sit down. ...do you want a drink?
[pitt soda? scotch? this thread's not gonna be Y7 anymore in a minute.]
We can drink for real here.
[None of this "expired apple cider" nonsense.]
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Heh. That's the first good news I've heard all day. I could go for a drink - and it sounds like you're gonna need one too.
[He heads right over for the card table, since it's usually a good spot for drowning sorrows and having pity parties.]
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Bill and I go back a long time. I first met him in Gravity Falls, back in 1981. I was looking for an explanation, a theory that would explain why Gravity Falls was so weird. Something that would account for the ghosts, the aliens, the cryptids, and magic. My research had come to a standstill, and I was getting desperate. That's when I found writing in a cave, describing a being with answers. It warned me not to summon him, but I did it anyway. After all, they'd left the instructions. How bad could it be?
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Hm...I'm gonna go with...pretty bad. Right?
[No good story starts out with "How bad could it be?".]
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Instead, it led to him. He was trapped in an unstable, decaying, nondimensional space, and he'd been planning to use me to get out of it.
[He takes a drink.]
He's been trying to physically reach our world for thousands of years, Stan. The pyramids used to look like him, but the arms all fell off. George Washington made a deal with him to win the Revolutionary War, which is why his face is on all our currency. He even helped Stanley Kubrick fake the moon landing!
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[Sure, Bill almost destroyed their world, but Stan refuses to be impressed. He takes a swig of his own drink and mulls it over though - and probably skips a few steps to cut to the chase.]
So, he's your ex? You got back together with your ex?
[Even Ford has to know that never ends well, right? ...Right?]
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No! I told you, nothing happened before the Barge! True, I admit, I had some -- unprofessional feelings back when I thought he was actually going to help me, and he developed a huge crush sometime in the '90s, but we were never involved!
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Then you got together after that whole... [Fuck, he already forgot the name of it.] ...Weird Apocalypse thing. What changed?
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A lot of things.
When I first showed up here, I hated him. I couldn't believe that he was still alive. It seemed so unfair, that after everything we'd done, after everything you sacrificed, that someone had decided to bring him back! I thought the Admiral had to be an idiot to take the risk, and I knew that if Bill had enough time, he would find a way to escape. He's been around for trillions of years, and he's destroyed entire universes before. I was torn. Did I trust the Admiral to keep him here, or did I need to find a way to stop him again?
At first, I....I tried to let it go. He wasn't my problem anymore. The Admiral brought him back, and the Admiral could deal with him. I just wanted to learn whatever it was I needed to in order to graduate, and then go back home. For the first few months, I just ignored him!
But then I met Steve, who had damaged the Barge's systems before. If he could do it, so could Bill. I had to admit that this place wasn't secure.
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Uh. ...None of that sounds like a reason to get "involved" with somebody. [Finger quotes and everything, since he's stealing Ford's word for it.] And I oughta know! I've had terrible reasons to date people!
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I'm getting there! First I have to explain why I decided to even give him the time of day, after everything he did to you and the kids!
Anyway, I knew the Barge wasn't a safe place to keep him, but I also couldn't fight him here. Even if I managed to kill him, he'd just come back! On top of that, everyone and their brother was giving me the same advice: stop fighting him, because people just get hurt. So, when he had an emotional breakdown, let me out of an old deal I'd made with him in the '80s, and admitted in a fit of rage that he actually cared about me, I thought that the most efficient way to make sure he wasn't a threat anymore and get back to our sailing adventure was to wait for Bill to graduate. After all, if Bill Cipher could develop an actual attachment to a human, that meant that whatever the Barge was doing had to be working. I'd just wait it out. Either he'd graduate or he'd disappear. And, since I figured being ignored by the one person he cared about would slow down the process, I agreed to talk to him.
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Guess that makes sense, in a completely non-romantic way. What deal did he let you out of though?
[That seems like a big thing to just gloss over, pal!]
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When we were working on the portal, I....I made a deal with him to take over my body while I was asleep, so he could keep working while I rested. To...keep the project on schedule.
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[It's more out of exasperation and belated worry than anything else though, and it's worth a good swig of his drink.]
Sheesh, no wonder you were a wreck when I got there...
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The point is, I had to deal with Bill differently on the Barge. I was still angry about what he did, but I had to find a way to move past it if I wanted to get anything done.
Let me see, did anything else important happen before the Bargeyard? We agreed to play Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons....Horseriver sacrificed me to give Bill a conscience for a few minutes...Bill was flirting but I had no idea....
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You got sacrificed?!
[HE'S GONNA GIVE STAN A HEART ATTACK OVER HERE.]
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Oh, yes. It was a blood ritual. Apparently, Horseriver had a score to settle and my blood was the only stuff that'd do. I was better within a week, and he graduated and left shortly after. I made sure it wouldn't happen again, though: my coat's got anti-magic wards on it, and I've made it so my blood can't be used for anything like that ever again.
That kind of thing happens around here, Stan. Sometimes, you just get killed! It's a little bit like taking a punch. It hurts, and you're sore for a while, but you can't punch back without ticking off all their friends. And, if you're a warden, getting demoted. Usually, revenge just isn't worth it.
...besides, some people are popular enough that they can kill a bunch of people in horrible ways and then nobody blinks when they start offering to give other people therapy.
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I know people can die here, Ford! I got the spiel and that's not the problem! You don't get it!
[He blurts it out without thinking, a quick flare of temper that gets the better of him. Of course Ford doesn't get it. He wasn't the one who had to watch his brother get knocked overboard in a storm by some goddamn overgrown squid. He isn't the one whose brother sank into waves just two weeks after they'd finally made up.
As soon as he says it though, he realizes he doesn't actually want to talk about it, and it's enough to force him into a simmer. He crosses his arms and manages to pull back into just irritation.]
Ugh, just forget it! Alright, you got sacrificed so your shitty soon-to-be-boyfriend could have a conscience for two minutes. Next!
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It's tempting to let Stan change the subject, to take the out and continue the story. But Ford actually pauses here, his eyebrows furrowing. Stan's important to him, and Ford wants to figure out where his misstep was.]
--I'm sorry, Stan. It's just that -- being killed doesn't mean what it used to, to me. That's what I was trying to explain. Getting used to it has -- it's helped me get by.
[But Ford dying, even though it isn't permanent, still upsets Stan. Ford probably shouldn't bring it up, if he can help it.]
It's all right. I'm okay, Stanley.
[annnnnd if he's missed the mark again they can just keep talking.]
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Ford's...trying. That's still pretty new to Stan, even after a few weeks of it back home. It's still something that comes as a surprise. Unfortunately, it's a surprise that trips Stan up sometimes - like when he expects Ford to take the bait and change the subject instead of focusing on what's wrong with him.
Though, one thing does help. Tension slips out of his shoulders at Ford's insistence that he's okay. Because...well, he is. He's sitting right there across from him. He's alive - he even graduated, so it's not like Stan has to worry about that part. He really is okay.]
Yeah, yeah. I know. It's dumb. Don't worry about it.
[He tries to shrug it off, and takes what is probably a longer drink than is strictly necessary. Then, he forces up a grin. He's good! He's good. ...Hopefully Ford believes he's good.]
So, where were we? The Bargeyard or somethin'?
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That's right. The Admiral took the ship in for overdue maintenance. You already know part of it -- that's where he failed that performance review and forced us all to run off with him. It's also where I met an alternate version of you and the kids -- and Bill.
You were an inmate on one ship, and the kids were wardens. The other Bill was a warden on a third ship, which means he had all of his powers. All he wanted was to trigger your memories and bring his alternate self back to life.
I tried so hard to prevent it. Tried every trick I knew! In the end, we lost -- and that Bill told me something disturbing. He said that the alternate Ford on his ship came from a world where the plan you came up with wasn't possible. That Ford had had to make a deal with him to save the kids, and that Bill had kept him alive. They were partners. In, ah, every sense of the word.
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[Yes, that's his first immediate take away. Who the hell would make Bill Cipher a warden?
He's not terribly surprised to hear that he was an inmate. It just confirms what he already suspected - that he really toes the line, and that he should probably watch his step.]
Huh. Wonder why it wasn't? But the whole thing sounds kinda like... [He snaps his fingers a couple times.] What's that thing where you get kidnapped and get obsessed with the guy who kidnapped you again?
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He slipped me a dark matter hypercannon so I could hold the other Bill off. He bought us time to capture him.
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