YOU KNOW, I COULD SIT HERE FOR AWHILE WATCHING YOUR GUESSES GET DUMBER AND WORSE, BUT I ACTUALLY HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN FROM THAT!
[True. It's not funny any more. He's not a stupid shapeshifter to get poked at when it's interesting and put in a cage when it's not.
It's REAL annoying to be four steps ahead of Ford sometimes. This is blatant jealousy, but Bill's not sure if it actually means anything actionable. He has no confidence in his ability to control or predict Ford right now and that means it's a no-go.]
DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO DO AND BE DONE.
But all right--okay. I'll leave it alone. But Bill -- did it occur to you that maybe if you try talking to whoever it is instead of going on and on about how you don't need anybody, you might be happier?
[A beat.]
I mean, they'd have to be certifiably insane, with very questionable judgment and the greatest capacity for forgiveness I've seen in any dimension, but hey! Some people on this ship actually seem to like you. It's very frustrating to me, of course, but it might work out in your favor.
[Caring about people makes you a better person, Bill. Better person means closer to graduation. Also, it's fun!]
[Bill starts ...quietly screaming around when Ford immediately follows "i'll leave it alone" with "BUT".
By the time Ford done it's morphed into an aggravated shriek, and Bill is bright red.]
YOU DON'T GET TO SAY I CAN ROT HERE AND THEN TRY TO GIVE ME ADVICE ON A SITUATION YOU WOULDN'T - UNDERSTAND EVEN IF I EXPLAINED IT, BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT! WHEN HAS ANYTHING EVER WORKED LIKE THAT?
[True.]
I CUT THE DEAL! WE'RE DONE! STOP DOING THIS, JUST STOP PRETENDING TO CARE!
He doesn't care what happens to Bill as long as Bill is not a threat to the multiverse. Death, imprisonment, unlikely redemption -- Ford will take any of them, because it's not personal anymore.
(Except -- Bill can still hurt him by saying he's got nothing. Except it really is interesting that Bill has come to care about at least one person on the Barge. Except Ford has never seen him this openly upset before about someone pretending to care...?
"That triangle fuck's practically giddy that you're here."
[...no, that's not right. Even if the idea weren't patently ridiculous, the ring confirmed "hatred of" and "wanting nothing to do with." If the ring can be relied on, and honestly it seems it can, Ford's not part of this equation. It's probably related to a breach he wasn't there for. Those feelings do tend to stick around an uncomfortably long time.
Holy Moses. What a mess. This is clearly a very messy thing Bill has gotten himself into with whoever the unlucky bastard is and Ford wants no part of it.
He rallies.]
Fine! Take my advice or leave it, but I happen to know a thing or two about coming around from being a real jerk!
[He should have hung up a long time ago but it always feels like if he just pushes a little harder he might be able to scrape a benefit out of this hellhole of a conversation.]
[Sure, that tracks. Ford doesn't want to play the game anymore, so Bill hates him, but Bill had fun playing chess with his life. Cool, Ford still doesn't want to go back to it.]
I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU WITH WHATEVER THIS WHOLE NEW OUTLOOK IS! I THINK I WATCHED YOU DIE LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF AGO AND I'M TRYING TO PRETEND THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I'VE DONE A LOT WORSE TO YOU THAN ELECTROCUTE YOU AND PUT YOU IN A CAGE AND YOU ALWAYS CAME BACK ANYWAY. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW KIDS WOULD BE THE LAST STRAW, HUH?
[Would he have done it differently? COULD he have?
... No. There was no other way in. It took him too long to find one as it is.]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE EVEN ... HAD, IF IT FELL APART WHEN I WASN'T EVEN TRYING, BUT THAT'S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO! THAT'S ALL I GOT!
What are you talking about? You always saw me as a pawn in your game of interdimensional chess! You made that perfectly clear.
[Ford's very good at shutting out things that don't fit into his personal narrative of what happened. Right now, though, a lot of things Bill has said are pushing in at the seams. That was your thing. You earned it. You never humor me anymore. You didn't even end up being important. Bill didn't leave him alone when he boarded the Barge until he knew for sure Ford had quit the game.]
Why am I like this? Why am I like this?! I'm not the one who spent thirty years making someone's life a living hell and then waltzes back in to get all mopey about how they don't want to kill me anymore!
WHAT THE HECK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT EXPLAINING THIS TO ME??
IT WAS FUN! YOU COULD HAVE QUIT AND SETTLED DOWN IF YOU WERE THAT MISERABLE, AND I COULD HAVE IGNORED YOU, BUT WE DIDN'T! AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO DIE THE FIRST MONTH, BUT YOU DIDN'T DIE OR GIVE UP AND THEN IT WAS FIVE YEARS, AND TEN - YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE SOMEONE GET UP EVERY DAY FOR TEN YEARS AND THINK ABOUT YOU?
YOU STARTED GETTING GREY AND I REALIZED I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO JUST DIE OFF, THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU WERE PROVING YOU COULD ACTUALLY DO THIS. I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS THAT UNIQUE AT THE TIME BUT THERE IS NO ONE ELSE. I'VE BEEN LOOKING! THEY DON'T CARE OR THEY'RE NOT RIGHT, THEY'RE NOT YOU!
He stands by what he said. This is definitely wigglyhand-questionable.
No, Ford couldn't have quit. Destroying Bill was all that kept him going, during his three decades of interdimensional displacement. He had no hope of going home, no chance to regain anything that had been taken from him, but what he had a shot at was revenge. It wasn't fun. It was hard, and cruel, and it was all he had.
...he had wanted it so badly. Maybe he could have settled down in one of the parallel Earths, or even spent an eternity in the Do-Over Dimension, living forever and learning everything there was to know there. Maybe even finally getting it right, really right, with Maddy. But no -- the threat Bill posed to the multiverse had mattered more. Getting even had mattered more.
He'd had no idea Bill felt this way. He's had no idea Bill had any feelings about him at all, except for the kind you feel when an ant escapes its ant farm, and the kind you feel when it bites you. He didn't think it was favorite-chess-partner kind of feelings. This is weird. Not good weird. Weird-weird.
(There's really no one else in the whole multiverse who can do what he did? Bill didn't want him to just die? Really?)]
Not being obsessed with you doesn't make me a different person, Cipher! I'm still me, just--not as selfish, anymore! I'm trying to do right by the people who matter. People I've hurt. People who actually care about me, instead of getting an ego trip out of having somebody who hates them!
[Not just somebody, though. Him?? Because he was a better opponent than everyone else? Because he cared so long, and lived so long, and Bill got -- attached, or something?]
You are never going to be the only thing that matters to me. I like having a family. I like being friends with Fiddleford again. He forgave me, you know? He didn't have to, but he did. And I like not making enemies everywhere I go because I don't care about anything but building a death ray!
You want to know why you're not good enough anymore? Because if all you've got is following me around, messing with my dreams, and telling everyone on the Barge that I'm a murderous lunatic, I don't want it.
You mean you can't use what I want to make me focus on killing you again.
[Ugh. Ford knew Bill wanted the game to go on, but he didn't realize the itch was this bad. Or this fixated-on-him.
He probably should have hung up like five minutes ago. But as angry as he is, as infuriating as Ford finds it, it's...it's not not useful information. It explains a thing or two. Or three, or four, or...wow this has been going on for a while hasn't it.]
[Anyway, back to his thought, from before he got distracted by just how much he did Not See This Coming -- he's still talking to Bill. It's mostly for information. Ford's determined that he can't just disregard Bill completely, like he was hoping to when he first came on board, and that means this information is relevant.
It's also...ugh, it's interesting. It is a shift in what he's thought Bill was capable of. Ford is having to reframe basically everything that's happened since he arrived on the Barge -- maybe even before. Not by too many degrees, but he's having to factor in something resembling actual damns, given by Bill Cipher, about him. He's been collecting information on Bill for over thirty years and he's not used to being this off. Paying attention to new details about Bill is a hard habit to break.
And then there's a third point, hidden behind the other two. Out of all the beings in the multiverse, the only person who matters to Bill Cipher is him? This is a monster from beyond space and time, madness and chaos personified, univer-cidal, and he's screaming at Ford Pines about being good enough? Ford's been away from his family for longer than he had them back. There are people on the barge he's on good terms with, but he'd hesitate to call them friends. Acquaintances are about all he ever manages in other worlds, and he's going to leave them all behind when he gets off this ship anyway. When he's gone, they'll move on, like he was never there. It's just a fact. Maybe that's got something to do with why he's not hanging up -- because the impermanence of the Barge is lonely.
(He remembers when his family was dead, and it was just him and 7718. But that wasn't Bill. That was something else he talked to over the phone, played with, worked together with. It probably never existed.)
Ford doesn't understand much of this himself. Mostly, all he knows is that he's never seen this before and it might be relevant, and also his emotions are doing angry and uncomfortable things, and he's not hanging up yet. He knows Bill can't be trusted. He knows Bill is dangerous. And he knows he wants Bill gone.]
And it would still be a lie! I'd bet you couldn't even manage a real apology, because you're not sorry about what you did to me, and you're never going to be! You're just sorry that I'm not fun anymore!
[Besides, even if Bill did manage that, it's not going to get him what he wants. Things are never going back to the way they were, and certainly not because Bill Cipher wishes they would.]
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[True. It's not funny any more. He's not a stupid shapeshifter to get poked at when it's interesting and put in a cage when it's not.
It's REAL annoying to be four steps ahead of Ford sometimes. This is blatant jealousy, but Bill's not sure if it actually means anything actionable. He has no confidence in his ability to control or predict Ford right now and that means it's a no-go.]
DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO DO AND BE DONE.
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I don't see you denying it!
[Whew. Successfully deflected.]
But all right--okay. I'll leave it alone. But Bill -- did it occur to you that maybe if you try talking to whoever it is instead of going on and on about how you don't need anybody, you might be happier?
[A beat.]
I mean, they'd have to be certifiably insane, with very questionable judgment and the greatest capacity for forgiveness I've seen in any dimension, but hey! Some people on this ship actually seem to like you. It's very frustrating to me, of course, but it might work out in your favor.
[Caring about people makes you a better person, Bill. Better person means closer to graduation. Also, it's fun!]
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By the time Ford done it's morphed into an aggravated shriek, and Bill is bright red.]
YOU DON'T GET TO SAY I CAN ROT HERE AND THEN TRY TO GIVE ME ADVICE ON A SITUATION YOU WOULDN'T - UNDERSTAND EVEN IF I EXPLAINED IT, BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT! WHEN HAS ANYTHING EVER WORKED LIKE THAT?
[True.]
I CUT THE DEAL! WE'RE DONE! STOP DOING THIS, JUST STOP PRETENDING TO CARE!
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He doesn't care what happens to Bill as long as Bill is not a threat to the multiverse. Death, imprisonment, unlikely redemption -- Ford will take any of them, because it's not personal anymore.
(Except -- Bill can still hurt him by saying he's got nothing. Except it really is interesting that Bill has come to care about at least one person on the Barge. Except Ford has never seen him this openly upset before about someone pretending to care...?
"That triangle fuck's practically giddy that you're here."
"I'M TIRED OF HANGING BACK FOR YOU."
"I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE ANYONE BUT YOU!"
It can't be -- ...could it?)]
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Holy Moses. What a mess. This is clearly a very messy thing Bill has gotten himself into with whoever the unlucky bastard is and Ford wants no part of it.
He rallies.]
Fine! Take my advice or leave it, but I happen to know a thing or two about coming around from being a real jerk!
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I LIKED YOU BETTER AS A JERK!
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[Sure, that tracks. Ford doesn't want to play the game anymore, so Bill hates him, but Bill had fun playing chess with his life. Cool, Ford still doesn't want to go back to it.]
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WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH ANY MORE?
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He's a lot quieter when he talks again, but it's clear he's still angry - it's just come through the other side and is running cold instead of hot.]
DON'T EXPLAIN IT TO ME. DON'T SAY ANYTHING. THERE'S NOTHING YOU COULD EXPLAIN TO ME THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW.
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But you -- I--
[That's what Bill was talking about? So--it wasn't the Barge after all? It was just Bill missing -- what, someone who made the game interesting?]
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Then why don't you explain it to me.
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I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU WITH WHATEVER THIS WHOLE NEW OUTLOOK IS! I THINK I WATCHED YOU DIE LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF AGO AND I'M TRYING TO PRETEND THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I'VE DONE A LOT WORSE TO YOU THAN ELECTROCUTE YOU AND PUT YOU IN A CAGE AND YOU ALWAYS CAME BACK ANYWAY. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW KIDS WOULD BE THE LAST STRAW, HUH?
[Would he have done it differently? COULD he have?
... No. There was no other way in. It took him too long to find one as it is.]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE EVEN ... HAD, IF IT FELL APART WHEN I WASN'T EVEN TRYING, BUT THAT'S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO! THAT'S ALL I GOT!
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[What the hell.]
What are you talking about? You always saw me as a pawn in your game of interdimensional chess! You made that perfectly clear.
[Ford's very good at shutting out things that don't fit into his personal narrative of what happened. Right now, though, a lot of things Bill has said are pushing in at the seams. That was your thing. You earned it. You never humor me anymore. You didn't even end up being important. Bill didn't leave him alone when he boarded the Barge until he knew for sure Ford had quit the game.]
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[it didn't, but it definitely got more complicated.]
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IT WAS FUN! YOU COULD HAVE QUIT AND SETTLED DOWN IF YOU WERE THAT MISERABLE, AND I COULD HAVE IGNORED YOU, BUT WE DIDN'T! AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO DIE THE FIRST MONTH, BUT YOU DIDN'T DIE OR GIVE UP AND THEN IT WAS FIVE YEARS, AND TEN - YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE SOMEONE GET UP EVERY DAY FOR TEN YEARS AND THINK ABOUT YOU?
YOU STARTED GETTING GREY AND I REALIZED I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO JUST DIE OFF, THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU WERE PROVING YOU COULD ACTUALLY DO THIS. I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS THAT UNIQUE AT THE TIME BUT THERE IS NO ONE ELSE. I'VE BEEN LOOKING! THEY DON'T CARE OR THEY'RE NOT RIGHT, THEY'RE NOT YOU!
AND NOW YOU'RE NOT EVEN YOU!
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What in blazes.
He stands by what he said. This is definitely wigglyhand-questionable.
No, Ford couldn't have quit. Destroying Bill was all that kept him going, during his three decades of interdimensional displacement. He had no hope of going home, no chance to regain anything that had been taken from him, but what he had a shot at was revenge. It wasn't fun. It was hard, and cruel, and it was all he had.
...he had wanted it so badly. Maybe he could have settled down in one of the parallel Earths, or even spent an eternity in the Do-Over Dimension, living forever and learning everything there was to know there. Maybe even finally getting it right, really right, with Maddy. But no -- the threat Bill posed to the multiverse had mattered more. Getting even had mattered more.
He'd had no idea Bill felt this way. He's had no idea Bill had any feelings about him at all, except for the kind you feel when an ant escapes its ant farm, and the kind you feel when it bites you. He didn't think it was favorite-chess-partner kind of feelings. This is weird. Not good weird.
Weird-weird.
(There's really no one else in the whole multiverse who can do what he did? Bill didn't want him to just die? Really?)]
Not being obsessed with you doesn't make me a different person, Cipher! I'm still me, just--not as selfish, anymore! I'm trying to do right by the people who matter. People I've hurt. People who actually care about me, instead of getting an ego trip out of having somebody who hates them!
[Not just somebody, though. Him?? Because he was a better opponent than everyone else? Because he cared so long, and lived so long, and Bill got -- attached, or something?]
You are never going to be the only thing that matters to me. I like having a family. I like being friends with Fiddleford again. He forgave me, you know? He didn't have to, but he did. And I like not making enemies everywhere I go because I don't care about anything but building a death ray!
You want to know why you're not good enough anymore? Because if all you've got is following me around, messing with my dreams, and telling everyone on the Barge that I'm a murderous lunatic, I don't want it.
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LIKE YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO TRUST ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME!
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You've still got that ring on. You tell me: should I trust anything you say to me that isn't straightforward antagonism?
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Bill clicks the video back on. He's back in his room, but the golf club he's holding has a big dent.]
I DON'T EVEN KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ANY MORE!
[Ring says true.]
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[Ugh. Ford knew Bill wanted the game to go on, but he didn't realize the itch was this bad. Or this fixated-on-him.
He probably should have hung up like five minutes ago. But as angry as he is, as infuriating as Ford finds it, it's...it's not not useful information. It explains a thing or two. Or three, or four, or...wow this has been going on for a while hasn't it.]
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Bill sounds huffy.] NO.
[Lie.]
KIND OF. IF THAT WAS WORKING I'D BE DOING THAT, BUT IT'S NOT! IF BEING NICE TO YOU WOULD WORK I'D DO THAT! I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE, YOU LIKED IT.
[True. It's an ironic symmetry. Bill needed Ford WAY more than Ford needed him then, but just because of the portal.]
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Because I didn't know it was a lie!
[Anyway, back to his thought, from before he got distracted by just how much he did Not See This Coming -- he's still talking to Bill. It's mostly for information. Ford's determined that he can't just disregard Bill completely, like he was hoping to when he first came on board, and that means this information is relevant.
It's also...ugh, it's interesting. It is a shift in what he's thought Bill was capable of. Ford is having to reframe basically everything that's happened since he arrived on the Barge -- maybe even before. Not by too many degrees, but he's having to factor in something resembling actual damns, given by Bill Cipher, about him. He's been collecting information on Bill for over thirty years and he's not used to being this off. Paying attention to new details about Bill is a hard habit to break.
And then there's a third point, hidden behind the other two. Out of all the beings in the multiverse, the only person who matters to Bill Cipher is him? This is a monster from beyond space and time, madness and chaos personified, univer-cidal, and he's screaming at Ford Pines about being good enough? Ford's been away from his family for longer than he had them back. There are people on the barge he's on good terms with, but he'd hesitate to call them friends. Acquaintances are about all he ever manages in other worlds, and he's going to leave them all behind when he gets off this ship anyway. When he's gone, they'll move on, like he was never there. It's just a fact. Maybe that's got something to do with why he's not hanging up -- because the impermanence of the Barge is lonely.
(He remembers when his family was dead, and it was just him and 7718. But that wasn't Bill. That was something else he talked to over the phone, played with, worked together with. It probably never existed.)Ford doesn't understand much of this himself. Mostly, all he knows is that he's never seen this before and it might be relevant, and also his emotions are doing angry and uncomfortable things, and he's not hanging up yet. He knows Bill can't be trusted. He knows Bill is dangerous. And he knows he wants Bill gone.]
And it would still be a lie! I'd bet you couldn't even manage a real apology, because you're not sorry about what you did to me, and you're never going to be! You're just sorry that I'm not fun anymore!
[Besides, even if Bill did manage that, it's not going to get him what he wants. Things are never going back to the way they were, and certainly not because Bill Cipher wishes they would.]
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