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[mothmansplaining]

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"Stanford Pines. Leave a message."

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[beejfu]

"For real? Holy crap. This might just work!" He exclaims happily, and starts to pick off the frying pan to get at the burnt crunchy bits for his own breakfast.

[mothmansplaining]

Ford stabs the sausage with a fork thoughtfully. He really doesn't want to get too involved here, so, he'll just keep treating Betelgeuse as fairly as he can and go from there.

"Thank you for breakfast, and the book."

[beejfu]

"Mmn? Yeah. No big." He points a fork at Ford and the book.

"Don't go fucking around with that, all right? It's got spells and shit that can really mess up my day."

[mothmansplaining]

Gray eyebrows arch.

"I'm surprised you're letting me have it," Ford says. Not because he has any malicious designs, but because Betelgeuse sure is just handing out stuff that can hurt him. It's another difference from Bill, who, when a spell messed up his day, designed measures to prevent it happening again that Ford is still wearing.

[beejfu]

"Because I know you won't fuck around with it." He tells him, huffy about being called out on trusting other people.

"You already protected me. So far as I'm concerned, we're pals. DON'T read the chapter on exorcisms. Not because that wouldn't hurt like a sonovabitch - it would - but because it would demote the crap out of you."

[mothmansplaining]

"You don't want me to read it at all?" Ford asks, in an I want to be perfectly clear tone. It's a little unclear to him here if the exorcism would hurt and lead to demotion, or if reading the chapter itself would cause pain and demotion.

If it's a hard no, well...he'll respect that. Secret room, forbidden chapter, it's cool.

[beejfu]

"Well, not out loud." He tells him, picking at the grout in the kitchen table and...eating it. Gross.

"You're basically reciting a spell that kills me. Or usually any nearby dead person, of which most are inmates."

[mothmansplaining]

"Ah. I see," says Ford, who really does appreciate how a potentially horrible accident has just been headed off.

"Thank you for warning me! Luckily, I'm quite capable of reading silently, and have no intention of using a spell like that.

[beejfu]

"Yeah. No big." He shudders a full body shudder that goes from his toes to the tips of his ears. Being nice sucks.

[mothmansplaining]

Ford notices it that time.

"What was that?"

[beejfu]

Whoops.

"Nothing."

[mothmansplaining]

"Are you sick?"

[beejfu]

"Probably."

[mothmansplaining]

"We both know the metaphorical answer to that is yes, Betelgeuse. I'm asking literally."

[beejfu]

A long-suffering sigh, as he lowers his upper half of his body onto the breakfast table until his forehead touches wood.

"I don't know. This kind of shit does not come naturally."

[mothmansplaining]

"And being not-so-nice does?

Ford considers this.

"What kind of demon are you, exactly?"

[beejfu]

"I told you." He tells the wood, not lifting his head.

"I'm a ghost. A bioexorcist. It just....I don't know, I don't usually do nice. Mostly I'm scaring the crap out of people in their homes so I can chase 'em out or kill them and start living there rent-free. If I'm NICE, bad shit happens."

[mothmansplaining]

Ford raises his eyebrow.

"Such as?"

[beejfu]

Muffled angry mutters.

[mothmansplaining]

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

[beejfu]

He lifts his chin up, giving Ford the worst, most sour look.

"People trick me. They get on my good side, I try to be nice, and then I find out it's all a ruse to fuck me over and leave me or kill me or..I don't know, shit like that! People suck, Ford. The living, and the dead. They all suck."

[mothmansplaining]

Ha ha ha ha ha.

This guy is, like, Bill's attitude with Ford's gullibility.

Oh jeez what a messy ghost. And not just because his clothes are full of bugs.

"A lot of them do suck," Ford agrees. "But so do you. You just told me you kill people so you can live in their houses." Not to mention, you know, all the other things Ford has heard about, and experienced firsthand.

[beejfu]

"Well, YEAH, but at least I do it in a funny way!" He protests, looking betrayed that Ford would call him out like this.

"And maybe I wouldn't murder so much if people didn't suck. I'm doing half of them a favor! Not to mention getting out a LOT of unprocessed anger issues.."

[mothmansplaining]

"And maybe people wouldn't feel like the only way to deal with you is to trick you if you weren't so..." He wiggles his hand. There are a lot of things Ford can say here, but the one he settles on is, "...murder-y. Look, I'm going against every instinct I've got trusting you, because I think you deserve a chance to earn it, and also because if it does go wrong, I can't die permanently. Or be possessed, enchanted, or bled out for ritual curses," he adds, rattling them off as an afterthought.

[beejfu]

He narrows his eyes at Ford, disbelieving.

"Skip to the point."