[...no, that's not right. Even if the idea weren't patently ridiculous, the ring confirmed "hatred of" and "wanting nothing to do with." If the ring can be relied on, and honestly it seems it can, Ford's not part of this equation. It's probably related to a breach he wasn't there for. Those feelings do tend to stick around an uncomfortably long time.
Holy Moses. What a mess. This is clearly a very messy thing Bill has gotten himself into with whoever the unlucky bastard is and Ford wants no part of it.
He rallies.]
Fine! Take my advice or leave it, but I happen to know a thing or two about coming around from being a real jerk!
[He should have hung up a long time ago but it always feels like if he just pushes a little harder he might be able to scrape a benefit out of this hellhole of a conversation.]
[Sure, that tracks. Ford doesn't want to play the game anymore, so Bill hates him, but Bill had fun playing chess with his life. Cool, Ford still doesn't want to go back to it.]
I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU WITH WHATEVER THIS WHOLE NEW OUTLOOK IS! I THINK I WATCHED YOU DIE LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF AGO AND I'M TRYING TO PRETEND THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I'VE DONE A LOT WORSE TO YOU THAN ELECTROCUTE YOU AND PUT YOU IN A CAGE AND YOU ALWAYS CAME BACK ANYWAY. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW KIDS WOULD BE THE LAST STRAW, HUH?
[Would he have done it differently? COULD he have?
... No. There was no other way in. It took him too long to find one as it is.]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE EVEN ... HAD, IF IT FELL APART WHEN I WASN'T EVEN TRYING, BUT THAT'S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO! THAT'S ALL I GOT!
What are you talking about? You always saw me as a pawn in your game of interdimensional chess! You made that perfectly clear.
[Ford's very good at shutting out things that don't fit into his personal narrative of what happened. Right now, though, a lot of things Bill has said are pushing in at the seams. That was your thing. You earned it. You never humor me anymore. You didn't even end up being important. Bill didn't leave him alone when he boarded the Barge until he knew for sure Ford had quit the game.]
Why am I like this? Why am I like this?! I'm not the one who spent thirty years making someone's life a living hell and then waltzes back in to get all mopey about how they don't want to kill me anymore!
WHAT THE HECK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT EXPLAINING THIS TO ME??
IT WAS FUN! YOU COULD HAVE QUIT AND SETTLED DOWN IF YOU WERE THAT MISERABLE, AND I COULD HAVE IGNORED YOU, BUT WE DIDN'T! AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO DIE THE FIRST MONTH, BUT YOU DIDN'T DIE OR GIVE UP AND THEN IT WAS FIVE YEARS, AND TEN - YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE SOMEONE GET UP EVERY DAY FOR TEN YEARS AND THINK ABOUT YOU?
YOU STARTED GETTING GREY AND I REALIZED I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO JUST DIE OFF, THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU WERE PROVING YOU COULD ACTUALLY DO THIS. I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS THAT UNIQUE AT THE TIME BUT THERE IS NO ONE ELSE. I'VE BEEN LOOKING! THEY DON'T CARE OR THEY'RE NOT RIGHT, THEY'RE NOT YOU!
He stands by what he said. This is definitely wigglyhand-questionable.
No, Ford couldn't have quit. Destroying Bill was all that kept him going, during his three decades of interdimensional displacement. He had no hope of going home, no chance to regain anything that had been taken from him, but what he had a shot at was revenge. It wasn't fun. It was hard, and cruel, and it was all he had.
...he had wanted it so badly. Maybe he could have settled down in one of the parallel Earths, or even spent an eternity in the Do-Over Dimension, living forever and learning everything there was to know there. Maybe even finally getting it right, really right, with Maddy. But no -- the threat Bill posed to the multiverse had mattered more. Getting even had mattered more.
He'd had no idea Bill felt this way. He's had no idea Bill had any feelings about him at all, except for the kind you feel when an ant escapes its ant farm, and the kind you feel when it bites you. He didn't think it was favorite-chess-partner kind of feelings. This is weird. Not good weird. Weird-weird.
(There's really no one else in the whole multiverse who can do what he did? Bill didn't want him to just die? Really?)]
Not being obsessed with you doesn't make me a different person, Cipher! I'm still me, just--not as selfish, anymore! I'm trying to do right by the people who matter. People I've hurt. People who actually care about me, instead of getting an ego trip out of having somebody who hates them!
[Not just somebody, though. Him?? Because he was a better opponent than everyone else? Because he cared so long, and lived so long, and Bill got -- attached, or something?]
You are never going to be the only thing that matters to me. I like having a family. I like being friends with Fiddleford again. He forgave me, you know? He didn't have to, but he did. And I like not making enemies everywhere I go because I don't care about anything but building a death ray!
You want to know why you're not good enough anymore? Because if all you've got is following me around, messing with my dreams, and telling everyone on the Barge that I'm a murderous lunatic, I don't want it.
You mean you can't use what I want to make me focus on killing you again.
[Ugh. Ford knew Bill wanted the game to go on, but he didn't realize the itch was this bad. Or this fixated-on-him.
He probably should have hung up like five minutes ago. But as angry as he is, as infuriating as Ford finds it, it's...it's not not useful information. It explains a thing or two. Or three, or four, or...wow this has been going on for a while hasn't it.]
[Anyway, back to his thought, from before he got distracted by just how much he did Not See This Coming -- he's still talking to Bill. It's mostly for information. Ford's determined that he can't just disregard Bill completely, like he was hoping to when he first came on board, and that means this information is relevant.
It's also...ugh, it's interesting. It is a shift in what he's thought Bill was capable of. Ford is having to reframe basically everything that's happened since he arrived on the Barge -- maybe even before. Not by too many degrees, but he's having to factor in something resembling actual damns, given by Bill Cipher, about him. He's been collecting information on Bill for over thirty years and he's not used to being this off. Paying attention to new details about Bill is a hard habit to break.
And then there's a third point, hidden behind the other two. Out of all the beings in the multiverse, the only person who matters to Bill Cipher is him? This is a monster from beyond space and time, madness and chaos personified, univer-cidal, and he's screaming at Ford Pines about being good enough? Ford's been away from his family for longer than he had them back. There are people on the barge he's on good terms with, but he'd hesitate to call them friends. Acquaintances are about all he ever manages in other worlds, and he's going to leave them all behind when he gets off this ship anyway. When he's gone, they'll move on, like he was never there. It's just a fact. Maybe that's got something to do with why he's not hanging up -- because the impermanence of the Barge is lonely.
(He remembers when his family was dead, and it was just him and 7718. But that wasn't Bill. That was something else he talked to over the phone, played with, worked together with. It probably never existed.)
Ford doesn't understand much of this himself. Mostly, all he knows is that he's never seen this before and it might be relevant, and also his emotions are doing angry and uncomfortable things, and he's not hanging up yet. He knows Bill can't be trusted. He knows Bill is dangerous. And he knows he wants Bill gone.]
And it would still be a lie! I'd bet you couldn't even manage a real apology, because you're not sorry about what you did to me, and you're never going to be! You're just sorry that I'm not fun anymore!
[Besides, even if Bill did manage that, it's not going to get him what he wants. Things are never going back to the way they were, and certainly not because Bill Cipher wishes they would.]
[uHHHHH that might be a tall order, champ, he's not sure he's capable of that!
There's just a couple emotions he can mimic well enough but he's never actually experienced? Most of the 'sad' spectrum. He's never really been able to mourn, or regret, or anything like that. There's just a funny blank spot where he knows he maybe shouldn't have done something but doesn't feel any particular way related to that knowledge.]
[Wow wow wow hey that sounds too damn much like caring how Bill feels and that is territory Ford will skirt on the edge of conscious reason but NOT CONSCIOUSLY.]
No. I want you gone.
[yes. realize what you did was terrible, and come to him, and tell him you regret it. show him a leap he doesn't think is possible. show him that maybe, if he leaves you here, you might get fixed, neutralized, before you can escape.
Who doesn't want the person who hurt them to be sorry about it?]
FOR SOMEONE HUNG UP ON WHAT'S TRUE AND WHAT'S A LIE, YOU'RE REALLY GOING ALL-IN ON THIS SUDDEN IMPULSE TO CONNECT. THEY'RE EXPLOITING HOW EASY IT IS TO WIN YOU OVER, YA KNOW. BUT ARE THEY GONNA STAY FOR THIRTY YEARS? OR HAVE YOU NEVER HAD ANYBODY BESIDES ME STAY THAT LONG, BECAUSE YOU REPLACED THEM WITH SOMETHING NEW AND EXCITING?
[Both true and designed to twist and manipulate what's actually happening, which is Ford getting out of a frankly horribly abusive interpersonal connection. You can't even reasonably call this a friendship, since neither of them are pretending to like each other.]
I BROKE YOUR DEAL. I CAN'T UN-HURT ANYBODY. THAT'S ALL I GOT. CONSIDER ME GONE.
[True. He sounds bitter this time. He actually has no idea if Ford's going to regret this but he needs to cut his losses like he should have way earlier on. He's really good at predicting that people don't give a damn. It becomes a self-fulfulling prophecy. Most prophecies are.]
[Oh wow what a horrible thing to remind him of. He isn't that easy to win over, come on. Right?
He's been making things for the people on the ship he likes. What if he has been extending trust too easily? What if he's just going to end up used again?
Whoops, desperate isn't a good look, and exploitably gullible is even worse. A wall that had come down around Ford's heart creeps back up.]
I don't--
[He sighs. Wearily:]
I don't expect them to.
[But I won't be here long enough for that to matter dies in his throat. How long is it going to take to make sure Bill is under control? He doesn't know. It won't matter to Stan or the kids, they won't know the difference, but for Ford? It could be years. It feels like a very, very long road stretching out in front of him.
Strangely, the brightest spot on it was what he'd been thinking about a minute ago: the possibility that maybe, if Bill does stay here long enough, he might change. The hope had dimmed when Ford had found out it was him, and Bill had said things about I think I watched you die and I don't even recognize you. He'd known, then, that there was nothing he could do: Ford Pines is not the man for this job, and he's never going to offer Bill what Bill has been missing. But Bill has also said That's all I got and I can't un-hurt anybody. Weird things to say to someone you find disgusting.
Ford sighs. Okay. This is probably going to amount to nothing, but there's just enough room for doubt that he's going to ask.]
Fine. But before you go, and this is really over, there's one last thing I want to discuss.
Are you only letting me out of this deal because you don't want it anymore? Because I'm never going to be what you do want ever again, and you've given up?
[He doesn't sound hopeful. Mostly, he sounds resigned. Ford's expecting yes. He's expecting it to be for the reasons Bill outlined, and nothing else. He's imagining the very possibility. But better to clear it up now than to wonder later and not have the chance to bring it up.]
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Holy Moses. What a mess. This is clearly a very messy thing Bill has gotten himself into with whoever the unlucky bastard is and Ford wants no part of it.
He rallies.]
Fine! Take my advice or leave it, but I happen to know a thing or two about coming around from being a real jerk!
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I LIKED YOU BETTER AS A JERK!
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[Sure, that tracks. Ford doesn't want to play the game anymore, so Bill hates him, but Bill had fun playing chess with his life. Cool, Ford still doesn't want to go back to it.]
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WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH ANY MORE?
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He's a lot quieter when he talks again, but it's clear he's still angry - it's just come through the other side and is running cold instead of hot.]
DON'T EXPLAIN IT TO ME. DON'T SAY ANYTHING. THERE'S NOTHING YOU COULD EXPLAIN TO ME THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW.
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But you -- I--
[That's what Bill was talking about? So--it wasn't the Barge after all? It was just Bill missing -- what, someone who made the game interesting?]
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Then why don't you explain it to me.
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I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU WITH WHATEVER THIS WHOLE NEW OUTLOOK IS! I THINK I WATCHED YOU DIE LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF AGO AND I'M TRYING TO PRETEND THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I'VE DONE A LOT WORSE TO YOU THAN ELECTROCUTE YOU AND PUT YOU IN A CAGE AND YOU ALWAYS CAME BACK ANYWAY. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW KIDS WOULD BE THE LAST STRAW, HUH?
[Would he have done it differently? COULD he have?
... No. There was no other way in. It took him too long to find one as it is.]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE EVEN ... HAD, IF IT FELL APART WHEN I WASN'T EVEN TRYING, BUT THAT'S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO! THAT'S ALL I GOT!
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[What the hell.]
What are you talking about? You always saw me as a pawn in your game of interdimensional chess! You made that perfectly clear.
[Ford's very good at shutting out things that don't fit into his personal narrative of what happened. Right now, though, a lot of things Bill has said are pushing in at the seams. That was your thing. You earned it. You never humor me anymore. You didn't even end up being important. Bill didn't leave him alone when he boarded the Barge until he knew for sure Ford had quit the game.]
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[it didn't, but it definitely got more complicated.]
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IT WAS FUN! YOU COULD HAVE QUIT AND SETTLED DOWN IF YOU WERE THAT MISERABLE, AND I COULD HAVE IGNORED YOU, BUT WE DIDN'T! AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO DIE THE FIRST MONTH, BUT YOU DIDN'T DIE OR GIVE UP AND THEN IT WAS FIVE YEARS, AND TEN - YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE SOMEONE GET UP EVERY DAY FOR TEN YEARS AND THINK ABOUT YOU?
YOU STARTED GETTING GREY AND I REALIZED I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO JUST DIE OFF, THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU WERE PROVING YOU COULD ACTUALLY DO THIS. I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS THAT UNIQUE AT THE TIME BUT THERE IS NO ONE ELSE. I'VE BEEN LOOKING! THEY DON'T CARE OR THEY'RE NOT RIGHT, THEY'RE NOT YOU!
AND NOW YOU'RE NOT EVEN YOU!
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What in blazes.
He stands by what he said. This is definitely wigglyhand-questionable.
No, Ford couldn't have quit. Destroying Bill was all that kept him going, during his three decades of interdimensional displacement. He had no hope of going home, no chance to regain anything that had been taken from him, but what he had a shot at was revenge. It wasn't fun. It was hard, and cruel, and it was all he had.
...he had wanted it so badly. Maybe he could have settled down in one of the parallel Earths, or even spent an eternity in the Do-Over Dimension, living forever and learning everything there was to know there. Maybe even finally getting it right, really right, with Maddy. But no -- the threat Bill posed to the multiverse had mattered more. Getting even had mattered more.
He'd had no idea Bill felt this way. He's had no idea Bill had any feelings about him at all, except for the kind you feel when an ant escapes its ant farm, and the kind you feel when it bites you. He didn't think it was favorite-chess-partner kind of feelings. This is weird. Not good weird.
Weird-weird.
(There's really no one else in the whole multiverse who can do what he did? Bill didn't want him to just die? Really?)]
Not being obsessed with you doesn't make me a different person, Cipher! I'm still me, just--not as selfish, anymore! I'm trying to do right by the people who matter. People I've hurt. People who actually care about me, instead of getting an ego trip out of having somebody who hates them!
[Not just somebody, though. Him?? Because he was a better opponent than everyone else? Because he cared so long, and lived so long, and Bill got -- attached, or something?]
You are never going to be the only thing that matters to me. I like having a family. I like being friends with Fiddleford again. He forgave me, you know? He didn't have to, but he did. And I like not making enemies everywhere I go because I don't care about anything but building a death ray!
You want to know why you're not good enough anymore? Because if all you've got is following me around, messing with my dreams, and telling everyone on the Barge that I'm a murderous lunatic, I don't want it.
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LIKE YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO TRUST ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME!
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You've still got that ring on. You tell me: should I trust anything you say to me that isn't straightforward antagonism?
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Bill clicks the video back on. He's back in his room, but the golf club he's holding has a big dent.]
I DON'T EVEN KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ANY MORE!
[Ring says true.]
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[Ugh. Ford knew Bill wanted the game to go on, but he didn't realize the itch was this bad. Or this fixated-on-him.
He probably should have hung up like five minutes ago. But as angry as he is, as infuriating as Ford finds it, it's...it's not not useful information. It explains a thing or two. Or three, or four, or...wow this has been going on for a while hasn't it.]
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Bill sounds huffy.] NO.
[Lie.]
KIND OF. IF THAT WAS WORKING I'D BE DOING THAT, BUT IT'S NOT! IF BEING NICE TO YOU WOULD WORK I'D DO THAT! I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE, YOU LIKED IT.
[True. It's an ironic symmetry. Bill needed Ford WAY more than Ford needed him then, but just because of the portal.]
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Because I didn't know it was a lie!
[Anyway, back to his thought, from before he got distracted by just how much he did Not See This Coming -- he's still talking to Bill. It's mostly for information. Ford's determined that he can't just disregard Bill completely, like he was hoping to when he first came on board, and that means this information is relevant.
It's also...ugh, it's interesting. It is a shift in what he's thought Bill was capable of. Ford is having to reframe basically everything that's happened since he arrived on the Barge -- maybe even before. Not by too many degrees, but he's having to factor in something resembling actual damns, given by Bill Cipher, about him. He's been collecting information on Bill for over thirty years and he's not used to being this off. Paying attention to new details about Bill is a hard habit to break.
And then there's a third point, hidden behind the other two. Out of all the beings in the multiverse, the only person who matters to Bill Cipher is him? This is a monster from beyond space and time, madness and chaos personified, univer-cidal, and he's screaming at Ford Pines about being good enough? Ford's been away from his family for longer than he had them back. There are people on the barge he's on good terms with, but he'd hesitate to call them friends. Acquaintances are about all he ever manages in other worlds, and he's going to leave them all behind when he gets off this ship anyway. When he's gone, they'll move on, like he was never there. It's just a fact. Maybe that's got something to do with why he's not hanging up -- because the impermanence of the Barge is lonely.
(He remembers when his family was dead, and it was just him and 7718. But that wasn't Bill. That was something else he talked to over the phone, played with, worked together with. It probably never existed.)Ford doesn't understand much of this himself. Mostly, all he knows is that he's never seen this before and it might be relevant, and also his emotions are doing angry and uncomfortable things, and he's not hanging up yet. He knows Bill can't be trusted. He knows Bill is dangerous. And he knows he wants Bill gone.]
And it would still be a lie! I'd bet you couldn't even manage a real apology, because you're not sorry about what you did to me, and you're never going to be! You're just sorry that I'm not fun anymore!
[Besides, even if Bill did manage that, it's not going to get him what he wants. Things are never going back to the way they were, and certainly not because Bill Cipher wishes they would.]
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[uHHHHH that might be a tall order, champ, he's not sure he's capable of that!
There's just a couple emotions he can mimic well enough but he's never actually experienced? Most of the 'sad' spectrum. He's never really been able to mourn, or regret, or anything like that. There's just a funny blank spot where he knows he maybe shouldn't have done something but doesn't feel any particular way related to that knowledge.]
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No. I want you gone.
[yes. realize what you did was terrible, and come to him, and tell him you regret it. show him a leap he doesn't think is possible. show him that maybe, if he leaves you here, you might get fixed, neutralized, before you can escape.
Who doesn't want the person who hurt them to be sorry about it?]
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[True.]
FOR SOMEONE HUNG UP ON WHAT'S TRUE AND WHAT'S A LIE, YOU'RE REALLY GOING ALL-IN ON THIS SUDDEN IMPULSE TO CONNECT. THEY'RE EXPLOITING HOW EASY IT IS TO WIN YOU OVER, YA KNOW. BUT ARE THEY GONNA STAY FOR THIRTY YEARS? OR HAVE YOU NEVER HAD ANYBODY BESIDES ME STAY THAT LONG, BECAUSE YOU REPLACED THEM WITH SOMETHING NEW AND EXCITING?
[Both true and designed to twist and manipulate what's actually happening, which is Ford getting out of a frankly horribly abusive interpersonal connection. You can't even reasonably call this a friendship, since neither of them are pretending to like each other.]
I BROKE YOUR DEAL. I CAN'T UN-HURT ANYBODY. THAT'S ALL I GOT. CONSIDER ME GONE.
[True. He sounds bitter this time. He actually has no idea if Ford's going to regret this but he needs to cut his losses like he should have way earlier on. He's really good at predicting that people don't give a damn. It becomes a self-fulfulling prophecy. Most prophecies are.]
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He's been making things for the people on the ship he likes. What if he has been extending trust too easily? What if he's just going to end up used again?
Whoops, desperate isn't a good look, and exploitably gullible is even worse. A wall that had come down around Ford's heart creeps back up.]
I don't--
[He sighs. Wearily:]
I don't expect them to.
[But I won't be here long enough for that to matter dies in his throat. How long is it going to take to make sure Bill is under control? He doesn't know. It won't matter to Stan or the kids, they won't know the difference, but for Ford? It could be years. It feels like a very, very long road stretching out in front of him.
Strangely, the brightest spot on it was what he'd been thinking about a minute ago: the possibility that maybe, if Bill does stay here long enough, he might change. The hope had dimmed when Ford had found out it was him, and Bill had said things about I think I watched you die and I don't even recognize you. He'd known, then, that there was nothing he could do: Ford Pines is not the man for this job, and he's never going to offer Bill what Bill has been missing. But Bill has also said That's all I got and I can't un-hurt anybody. Weird things to say to someone you find disgusting.
Ford sighs. Okay. This is probably going to amount to nothing, but there's just enough room for doubt that he's going to ask.]
Fine. But before you go, and this is really over, there's one last thing I want to discuss.
Are you only letting me out of this deal because you don't want it anymore? Because I'm never going to be what you do want ever again, and you've given up?
[He doesn't sound hopeful. Mostly, he sounds resigned. Ford's expecting yes. He's expecting it to be for the reasons Bill outlined, and nothing else. He's imagining the very possibility. But better to clear it up now than to wonder later and not have the chance to bring it up.]
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