[The hand-holding actually derails him completely. He doesn't let Ford pull away, just spends a bit of time holding his hand and with his eye closed and swaying in the air and not really knowing what emotion he's having, just that it's not good.]
UH.
[He continues, but it's more subdued. He's just trying to get through it now.]
SO - SO IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO KNOW THAT MY DAYS WERE NUMBERED. I THOUGHT THE WHOLE THING WAS A RACKET, AT THIS POINT. I KNEW -
NO, I THOUGHT. I THOUGHT EVERY ADULT AROUND ME WAS STUPID. JUST, STUPID AND WITH MORE EXPERIENCE THAN ME. IF I WAS IN CHARGE I'D DO THINGS BETTER - BUT WHO'D EVEN WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF THESE GUYS? SAVE THEM FROM THEMSELVES? PLEASE.
I REMEMBER A LOT OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I WAS SMART, BUT IT WAS ALWAYS RIGHT NEXT TO TELLING ME HOW THAT MEANT I OUGHT TO REALIZE IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST, HOW THIS WAS THE WAY THINGS HAD TO BE.
YOU KNOW THIS WASN'T THE WAY IT HAD TO BE, AND I KNEW IT WASN'T THE WAY THINGS HAD TO BE, BUT BOY DID I HATE THE PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME THAT. THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY DID THINK THAT! PEOPLE WHOSE IMAGINATIONS WERE DEAD, WHO ONLY LOOKED STRAIGHT AHEAD OF THEMSELVES AND TRIED TO CLIMB LITTLE, POINTLESS LADDERS BY SUCKING UP TO A MACHINE BUILT BY POWERFUL LIARS.
[Bitter. He remembers Teddy telling him that he was acting just like the Circles did. He may have become a powerful liar, but petty power, power as a leader of people, or power that comes from money - that's never really interested him. That's a line he won't cross. It's not even an ethical line, it's just a Line.]
I'M NOT THAT ANGRY AT ANY OF THEM INDIVIDUALLY! YOU'D THINK I'D HATE MY PARENTS, BUT I STOPPED TRUSTING THEM WAY BEFORE I KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO HAND ME IN, SO IT DIDN'T HURT.
[He's just kind of. Tired. They tried to have him die, but he actually did kill them - and he didn't even have the excuse of protecting himself.]
THEY WERE JUST PROTECTING THEMSELVES. IF THEY HAD REFUSED TO GIVE ME OVER, I'D JUST HAVE BEEN TAKEN ANYWAY, AND THEY'D HAVE BEEN PUNISHED FOR IT. I THINK THEY WERE JUST COWARDS.
BUT IT DIDN'T HURT. AND SINCE I WAS SMART, I KNEW IT PROBABLY WAS SUPPOSED TO HURT! AROUND THIS TIME WAS WHEN I FIGURED OUT THAT WHATEVER MADE ME COME OUT WRONG MADE MY MIND WORK DIFFERENTLY, TOO. THAT'S HOW THE SCIENCE WAS, IN THE SECOND DIMENSION! A PERFECT FRAME MEANT A PERFECT MIND! MORE ANGLES MEANT MORE BRAINS!
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2019-12-19 01:32 am (UTC)UH.
[He continues, but it's more subdued. He's just trying to get through it now.]
SO - SO IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO KNOW THAT MY DAYS WERE NUMBERED. I THOUGHT THE WHOLE THING WAS A RACKET, AT THIS POINT. I KNEW -
NO, I THOUGHT. I THOUGHT EVERY ADULT AROUND ME WAS STUPID. JUST, STUPID AND WITH MORE EXPERIENCE THAN ME. IF I WAS IN CHARGE I'D DO THINGS BETTER - BUT WHO'D EVEN WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF THESE GUYS? SAVE THEM FROM THEMSELVES? PLEASE.
I REMEMBER A LOT OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I WAS SMART, BUT IT WAS ALWAYS RIGHT NEXT TO TELLING ME HOW THAT MEANT I OUGHT TO REALIZE IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST, HOW THIS WAS THE WAY THINGS HAD TO BE.
YOU KNOW THIS WASN'T THE WAY IT HAD TO BE, AND I KNEW IT WASN'T THE WAY THINGS HAD TO BE, BUT BOY DID I HATE THE PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME THAT. THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY DID THINK THAT! PEOPLE WHOSE IMAGINATIONS WERE DEAD, WHO ONLY LOOKED STRAIGHT AHEAD OF THEMSELVES AND TRIED TO CLIMB LITTLE, POINTLESS LADDERS BY SUCKING UP TO A MACHINE BUILT BY POWERFUL LIARS.
[Bitter. He remembers Teddy telling him that he was acting just like the Circles did. He may have become a powerful liar, but petty power, power as a leader of people, or power that comes from money - that's never really interested him. That's a line he won't cross. It's not even an ethical line, it's just a Line.]
I'M NOT THAT ANGRY AT ANY OF THEM INDIVIDUALLY! YOU'D THINK I'D HATE MY PARENTS, BUT I STOPPED TRUSTING THEM WAY BEFORE I KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO HAND ME IN, SO IT DIDN'T HURT.
[He's just kind of. Tired. They tried to have him die, but he actually did kill them - and he didn't even have the excuse of protecting himself.]
THEY WERE JUST PROTECTING THEMSELVES. IF THEY HAD REFUSED TO GIVE ME OVER, I'D JUST HAVE BEEN TAKEN ANYWAY, AND THEY'D HAVE BEEN PUNISHED FOR IT. I THINK THEY WERE JUST COWARDS.
BUT IT DIDN'T HURT. AND SINCE I WAS SMART, I KNEW IT PROBABLY WAS SUPPOSED TO HURT! AROUND THIS TIME WAS WHEN I FIGURED OUT THAT WHATEVER MADE ME COME OUT WRONG MADE MY MIND WORK DIFFERENTLY, TOO. THAT'S HOW THE SCIENCE WAS, IN THE SECOND DIMENSION! A PERFECT FRAME MEANT A PERFECT MIND! MORE ANGLES MEANT MORE BRAINS!