[Ow, fuck, what is happening, why are his emotions doing this. Is it just that Bill got hooks in him so deep that even being flat-out told he's been being used doesn't dislodge them? Is Ford just an idiot? Did their circumstances on the Barge forge an emotional connection Ford can't break yet?
(Or did Bill just admit a mistake to him honestly, and quietly, and humbly?)
He wants to fall into the pattern they've already set. Accept that he made a bad judgment call, turn the pain into something he can nurse, a way to put blame for what happened onto somebody else, a force to drive him to work harder, fight fiercer, endure longer.
But that isn't what his feelings are doing. They're fucking caring, is what they're doing. They are still giving a damn about this god damned triangle who's guilty of genocide and severe personal betrayal, but in another world, one that may or may not exist. Who's adrift, like him. It would be easier if they didn't.]
Ah, it -- it isn't about screwing it up. Honestly, I've screwed it up more than my share of times! I'm not angry because you made a mistake, Bill I just -- I don't want to wonder if what's really going on is just you trying to win a game.
[He really thought it wasn't.]
I want --
[He sighs.]
I want you to think about this, think about it hard. Figure out what it was you were really doing to me. If all you ever wanted was to keep the game going until you won, then...then we're through.
[He doesn't know yet if the alternative is even possible. He sure thought it was five minutes ago. Bill might just...not be capable. And if so, Ford is going to have to accept that.]
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2019-10-01 09:47 pm (UTC)(Or did Bill just admit a mistake to him honestly, and quietly, and humbly?)
He wants to fall into the pattern they've already set. Accept that he made a bad judgment call, turn the pain into something he can nurse, a way to put blame for what happened onto somebody else, a force to drive him to work harder, fight fiercer, endure longer.
But that isn't what his feelings are doing. They're fucking caring, is what they're doing. They are still giving a damn about this god damned triangle who's guilty of genocide and severe personal betrayal, but in another world, one that may or may not exist. Who's adrift, like him. It would be easier if they didn't.]
Ah, it -- it isn't about screwing it up. Honestly, I've screwed it up more than my share of times! I'm not angry because you made a mistake, Bill I just -- I don't want to wonder if what's really going on is just you trying to win a game.
[He really thought it wasn't.]
I want --
[He sighs.]
I want you to think about this, think about it hard. Figure out what it was you were really doing to me. If all you ever wanted was to keep the game going until you won, then...then we're through.
[He doesn't know yet if the alternative is even possible. He sure thought it was five minutes ago. Bill might just...not be capable. And if so, Ford is going to have to accept that.]