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[mothmansplaining]

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"Stanford Pines. Leave a message."

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[mothmansplaining]

Oh, she's doing all right -- at least in school and her extracurriculars.

[More soberly:]

But her teeth are coming in, and there are other changes that are a little harder to explain. I wouldn't be surprised if her gills were already functional.

[beejfu]

"Cripes, Ford, I need a subscription because you are all issues." he holds up his hands but doesn't back away.

"How else do you expect to TEACH anyone around here if you're not willing to take a risk and help a demon out?"

[supposedtochange]

"What? No! I'm definitely not that kind of person. I never wanted to have to hurt anybody."

But, y'know, it happened.

[mothmansplaining]

"I don't!"

That comes out before Ford means it to. But, once he takes a breath, he keeps going.

"I don't expect to teach anybody anything. Even if the Admiral's standards weren't arbitrary and useless, I am severely underqualified to teach anyone how to be a good person."

He looks away.

"Go talk to Iris. She's not a good person, either, but at least she's good at this, if her graduation record is anything to go by." This isn't advice Ford is happy about giving, but he is so sure he's going to be terrible that he's willing to send Betelgeuse to the person he dislikes most on the entire ship, so please give up on him.

[beejfu]

He blinks, head tilting sharply to one side to figure Ford out. He focuses better that way.

"Iris is assloads of fun, but she's more a friend than a warden." BJ decides. "I want you."

[mothmansplaining]

"You don't have to be an inmate to want to hurt people," Ford tells her. "Personally, I'm convinced that the only difference between inmates and wardens is that inmates are dead. Being a warden doesn't make you a good person, it just means you're willing to stay here and do the job. There's nobody here who couldn't change for the better, whether their lives are riding on it or not."

He takes a deep breath.

"I'd rather treat this like a partnership. I'll let you into any warden-only areas you want to see, and if we make port, I'll walk you off the ship. If you die, I'll bring you back. And, if you need anything -- even if it's just someone to talk to -- then I'll do my best to help.

"It isn't easy, being on the Barge. Protecting people you care about is nearly impossible, and all the most painful and embarrassing parts of your past get broadcast to the whole ship every few floods. The best advice I can give you is to stay alert, stay armed, and stay honest. Trying to keep any interesting secrets -- especially romantic ones -- will only end in everyone finding out anyway, usually at the most dramatic possible moment. It's...unpleasant."

That's why, when he and Bill were together, they just sort of didn't hide it. They went to a wedding in coordinated outfits and enough people figured it out that it couldn't be revealed in any kind of shocking way.

"But at least you don't have to go it alone."

He extends a hand. Partners?

[mothmansplaining]

"Why?" Ford demands, flabbergasted. Why the heck would Betelgeuse pick a guy who can barely keep himself from doing harm, whose sense of basic human empathy is clearly broken (Ford please) and who only graduated because (no Ford) he gave up on big rebellion (Ford that's wrong) and can't help him?

(Betelgeuse is right, Ford is one big bundle of issues. Probably of Fully Clothed Old Men.)

[supposedtochange]

Rose falters at that revelation, but she smiles tentatively and reaches for Ford's hand.

"Partners."

A pause.

"You mentioned...things being found out. How does that happen?"

[beejfu]

"Because you call me out on my shit, Ford!" Says the exasperated demon, throwing his hands up.

"Because you know this graduation shit and I don't! Hange is great and all but I can walk all over her any day of the week. And I'm probably going to target her for fun. She doesn't know ghostly demons who haunt the nether regions of the universe. I'm gonna need a team of people to help me out of here and I want you as her coach."

Pause.

"That was a lot of truth in that paragraph so I'm going to wrap that up with a joke."

Huff.

"Plus, you're sexy. I dig that."

harassment mention

[mothmansplaining]

Ahahaha yep a very funny joke. Ford's face and ears heat up a few degrees in embarrassment.

(Ford. Please. Accept the compliment. He isn't making fun of you, he has been sincerely sexually harassing you since you met.)

But misinterpreting the joke aside, it's reassuring to Ford to hear that Betelgeuse can't walk all over him. It makes him feel a little less overwhelmed, a little less like he never learns and just makes the same mistakes again and again. He's doing okay dealing with this. And....he finds that he does want to help. He just doesn't want to end up like Luke after the breakout, and he doesn't want to be controlling again.

"So," he says, slowly, "this doesn't mean I'm responsible for what you do and don't do. You just want me to...what precisely is it that you want?"

[mothmansplaining]

"There are a number of ways," Ford says matter-of-factly. "Sometimes, a flood makes snippets of your past appear on the public network. Other times, you end up saying it yourself, because the whole Barge is breaking into thematically appropriate songs or something. But, if you are permanently paired with a warden, that warden will receive a file containing a detailed account of your history. You can ask them not to read it, of course, and some of them will respect that. But it will exist."

[supposedtochange]

"Oh."

Her voice is small. Finally, she pipes up:

"Even if it's a secret that will be....very bad for someone if it comes out?"

[mothmansplaining]

Ford's brows crease.

"Is it the kind of secret that would be very dramatic and cause interpersonal conflict that would be entertaining to watch from a safe extraplanar distance?" he asks. "If it's just something boring, like cheating on a test or an embarrassing disease, then you're probably safe."

[supposedtochange]

"No, it's...it's more that first one, really. Although not very entertaining."

[mothmansplaining]

"Oh."

He feels for her. He really does.

"In that case, you should probably start thinking about how to break the news to anyone it might be relevant to. In my experience, it's better to come clean and make sure they hear it from you, instead of watching it on a video clip extracted from your mind."

[supposedtochange]

"...I....I guess you're right."

She frowns at the floor.

"I just don't know how to tell her something I've kept a secret for thousands of years."

[mothmansplaining]

Ford reaches out and puts a sympathetic hand on her shoulder.

"There's no easy way to do it," he says. "It might still go badly. Who knows? But the last time I tried to keep a big important secret, it led to chaos and destruction that wouldn't have happened if I'd trusted more people. And the time before that, my nephew misunderstood what was happening and tried to erase my mind! Both times everyone found out anyway."

Hoensty isn't always the best policy, except on the Barge, when it is.

[supposedtochange]

Rose stares into middle distance for a long few moments.

"I...I'll think about it. Thank you, Ford."

[mothmansplaining]

He sits back again with a serious nod.

"We're not due for a flood for a couple of weeks, so you should have some time to consider how you want to approach it."

A thought occurs to him.

"But I should warn you -- in the meantime, be careful around Jon Sims and Iris Wildthyme. Jon has the ability to compel the truth out of you with a question, though it's an ability he tries not to use. As for Iris, she's a touch-telepath. She can't get much more than your emotions, but it could still catch you in a lie. Jon's a decent fellow, and if he finds out, he'll probably be discreet if you ask him. I can't say the same for Iris." She's nosy and a shameless gossip, which is good for spreading around secrets un-dramatically but not good for keeping them under wraps.

[supposedtochange]

"O-oh. Would those...work on me? I mean, I'm not a biological life form. I'm just this."

She gestures to her Gem.

[mothmansplaining]

"Hm. Hard to say, without testing it," Ford muses. "But it might. Be careful just in case."

[supposedtochange]

"Maybe I could ask them to try? I don't...I don't really know either of them, and they don't really know me, so if they know things about me it's not a big deal."

[mothmansplaining]

"You can certainly ask," Ford says. "It might be useful to know, since the Admiral has brought multiple Gems aboard."

[supposedtochange]

"Then I'll talk to them. Thank you."

She takes a deep breath, and stands up.

"For now, I...I have some thinking to do."

[mothmansplaining]

He stands with her to see her out, a polite reflex. "All right," he says. "If you need anything, just say the word. And please, uh...try not to listen too much to anything Iris might say about me," he adds, a little anxiously. He likes Rose Quartz, at least so far, and the last thing he wants is his temp-inmate getting the idea that he's trash because Iris won't stop trash-talking him in public.