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[mothmansplaining]

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credit

"Stanford Pines. Leave a message."

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[tetractys]

"AW, YOU THINK I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING."

Bill clicks and they're on a sinking Titanic, the tableau frozen. The iceberg is lemon-yellow and has a distinctive slit-pupiled eye.

"NEVER MIND, THIS IS DUMB TO FIGHT ABOUT! I'M GIVING YOU MAGIC, YOU'RE WELCOME! I'M ALSO GONNA ASK QUENTIN TO TEACH YOU THE STUFF FROM HIS WORLD. APPARENTLY THE MORE FINGERS YOU HAVE THE BETTER YOU ARE AT CASTING IT. SOME PEOPLE GO OUT OF THEIR WAY AND DO PRETTY DANGEROUS STUFF JUST TO GET MORE!"

[mothmansplaining]

Ford hates metaphor. Hates it so much he's not even sure this is metaphor. But it's not that which earns Bill the Look he gets after you think I'm responsible for everything. It's a Look that Stan Pines got very familiar with that summer in Gravity Falls: a sullen look that Ford wears when he's holding a grudge close but he's putting it aside for the sake of other concerns, like children in the house or a plan to hijack an afterlife prison boat.

And then Bill brings up Quentin. Ford still feels a little bad about bringing Quentin into that fight with the other Bill, but at least the man had agreed willingly. Not like Ford, who'd had no say in the blood ritual. It's different. "You suppose he'll agree?" Something in Ford's tone implies that it is remarkable that Quentin would.

[tetractys]

"I'M GOOD AT TALKING PEOPLE INTO STUFF!"

It's a 50/50 shot.

"PROBLEM IS, THERE'S NOT A LOT I CAN GIVE YOU THAT'D BE BETTER THAN HIS STUFF FOR WHERE YOUR STRENGTHS ARE!"

Unlike magic from their world, Quentin's magic actually rewards you being incredibly thorough and logical and knowing theoretical mathematics back-to-front.

"I CAN STILL TRY, THOUGH, IF THAT DOESN'T WORK! AND THE RUNES ARE STILL HAPPENING!"

Bill pauses.

"...YOU DIDN'T FEEL ANY OF THAT CURSE FROM THE OTHER END OF THE CONNECTION THE WIZARD MADE BETWEEN US, DID YOU?"

[mothmansplaining]

Ford looks at Bill and rubs his chin, considering the question.

"I did have a vision," he says. "I saw it in my mind. But if I felt anything, I was too busy with my own impending death to notice." He doesn't know the curse had an emotional component: Ford just saw Bill glitching and staring, so he assumes it was just a normal paranormal attack.

[tetractys]

"GREAT! YOU DIDN'T WANT ANY."

Bill... can't tell him what the curse did. At all. It'd be too easy to neutralize Bill as a threat by performing the same magic and making it permanent.

"LET'S SEE... BESIDES SHIELDING, YOUR BEST BET IS TO GET A WAND! HOW IS WORK WITH IRIS COMING? THIS IS RELATED!"

[mothmansplaining]

Ford makes a wiggly motion with his hand.

"We don't have a working prototype yet. We're trying to calibrate it for quantum-level precision, and we haven't found a conductive material yet that'll give us the efficiency we need."

[tetractys]

"WHAT'D SHE MAKE THE FIRST ONE OUT OF?"

[mothmansplaining]

Ford sends a glare Bill's way.

"This is our project, Bill! We don't need your help. Stay out of it."

[tetractys]

Bill gives him a distinct hey can you climb off my dick a second squint.

"IT WAS JUST THE LOGICAL QUESTION!"

[mothmansplaining]

"Well, next time, keep it to yourself! Iris and I can build a sonic scanner just fine without you cutting in."

This isn't the issue. Only 20% of this issues pie chart is professional pride. The rest of it is partly baseline mistrust (Bill's help comes with strings attached, and he doesn't want Bill having a claim on what he and Iris are working on) and, more importantly, not wanting Iris-and-Ford time to become Iris-and-Ford-and-Bill-I-Guess time. Butt out.

[tetractys]

Yeah, Bill has guessed as much. The thing is, he's not going to be able to touch that without exposing how amazingly fucking jealous he is, so he's just going to act like he has no idea what Ford's problem is.

"FINE! I WON'T HELP, BUT IF YOU CAN GET MATERIALS FROM HER, I WANT TO KNOW. I STILL NEED TO GET TO THE BRIDGE, AND I'VE GOT OTHER STUFF I'M WORKING ON RECREATING!"

[mothmansplaining]

He's got no idea Bill is jealous. They're going to be nothing at all like their weird domestic parallel selves, which means avoiding all of that. Besides, it's not like he and Iris are going to be a thing, she has a boyfriend, so it's cool. Everyone here's cool. No one's pining, not at all. Everyone has themselves completely under control.

"Wait, what else are you working on? Why would I help you with anything besides getting on the bridge?!"

[tetractys]

"I USED TO HAVE A LAPTOP!"

Bill sticks his hands on his lower angles.

"FINE, DON'T HELP ME WITH THAT! BUT I HATE DOING MULTIVERSE SPATIAL CALCULATIONS BY HAND NOW THAT YOU CAN DO 'EM IN EXCEL! YOU MISSED A LOT OF TECHNOLOGY IN THAT PORTAL!"

[mothmansplaining]

Please, doing those calculations by hand is satisfying. Ford's got no idea what Excel is, but he knows he doesn't trust it.

"Does this have something to do with the higher plane that the other Bill mentioned?"

[tetractys]

"IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH GETTING US BACK TO THE BARGEYARD WITHOUT ACCIDENTALLY CRUSHING US ALL INTO AN INFINITELY SMALL POINT-"

The scenery around them of the sinking ship collapses down to a dot, leaving them standing in a white void.

"-OR SPREADING OUR ATOMS OUT ACROSS TEN MILLION DIMENSIONS!"

The dot explodes silently, Big Bang style, into stars and planets.

Yes. It does have something to do with the higher plane. He's diverting - the magician makes a show of fixing locks on the front of the box he's about to saw in half, while his assistant is already sneaking out the back.

[mothmansplaining]

Ford's eyes narrow. He's not so sure about that. If Bill used to have a laptop and was doing multiversal calculations in some kind of computer program before they lost the first Barge and everything in it, then this predates their plan to turn the Admiral in.

Sure, it might help prevent the scenarios Bill so helpfully illustrated. But that can't be all. It doesn't add up.

"Where is it the two of you are going?" he asks. Well, three, technically, including his other self, but Ford really doesn't want to include that guy. "I thought for sure you were planning to go back to my dimension, to finish what you started. You know, cosmic party, unwriting the laws of physics, that kind of thing."

[tetractys]

"WHY, SO YOU GUYS CAN KILL ME AGAIN WITH THE DUMB ZODIAC? WHY WOULD I GO TO A DIMENSION WHERE PEOPLE ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DEFEAT ME?"

[mothmansplaining]

Oh. That's a good point. They would kill him on sight if they could. Bill could probably get around that by killing any one of the members off the bat, though, so it would be a very literal arms race. You know. Because they have to hold hands.

"So instead you're going to go somewhere you can take advantage of their unfamiliarity." Yeah, that's about what he expected.

[tetractys]

"UH, YEAH!"

Duh, why wouldn't he?

"I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS! I'M OUT OF YOUR HAIR!"

[mothmansplaining]

"I was never only trying to save my dimension! If I just wanted you out of my hair, I'd have taken the portal-stabilizing tech from the Institute of Oddology and settled down somewhere years ago!"

[tetractys]

"AWWW, FORDSY, THAT'S ALMOST CUTE!"

He pops over to give him a noogie. Okay, so Bill's flirting is pretty juvenile.

[mothmansplaining]

He winces, ducking his head when he's noogied, and glares -- even though Ford's not content with just having Bill out of his hair, he doesn't want Bill in it.

(Ford's never played gay chicken before, he has no idea what it is, but he's pretty sure that's what's happening here and also he loses immediately.)

Ugh. He wants nothing to do with what their other selves were involved in and Bill has expressed similar distaste, but of course Bill's not going to make not making this weird easy. Ford doesn't want it to be weird, he wants it to be businesslike and over with as soon as possible. He's having 0 more complicated emotions about it and even if he weren't there is a fresh grudge sitting in the front of his mind like an open wound.

"The point is," he says in a tone that angrily insists on getting back to it, "we might be working together to get on board a better Barge, but you and I aren't friends. Don't get any ideas about coming to me for favors, because I won't help you with anything else. If you want Iris to get you otherworldly materials for a laptop, ask her yourself."

[tetractys]

"YEAH, SHE ISNT GOING TO HELP ME! I DONT HAVE ANYTHING SHE WANTS. YOU DO!"

Finger-gun. You know what he means.

Bill is feeling some... lost progress, here.

"ARE WE STILL ON FOR A D,D,& MORE D GAME ONCE WE FIND SOME DICE AGAIN?"

[mothmansplaining]

Ford bristles at the implication. He's not going to knowingly manipulate Iris's feelings for him for Bill Cipher's benefit. That would be terrible! That's the kind of thing other people do, not Ford Pines!

(He has unknowingly manipulated others' attraction before for his own benefit during his travels through the multiverse. He thinks it's because he was quick-witted and convincing He would be horrified to learn that it was just because a surprisingly broad range of beings have found him attractive.)

Anyway, he refuses -- and his mouth opens in are-you-serious surprise when Bill brings up D, D & MD, similar to his surprise when Bill asked why he was taking Horseriver's side in his murder.

"What? No! Obviously not!" Why would they? That was just because they were at a loss for something to do and Bill didn't want to be ignored! They have something to do together now: working on breaking into the bridge. That's important, and much easier than sitting down with Bill to play a game that's supposed to be fun.

[tetractys]

Bill's arms droop to hang limp off of his bottom edge - it has the effect of shoulders dropping.

"IS IT THE REPETITIVE MURDER THING?"

The scene Bill entered the dream on shimmers back in, staticky and distant.