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[mothmansplaining]

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"Stanford Pines. Leave a message."

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[tetractys]

[Bill suddenly doubles in size, bright red and furious.]

- B̳U͇T͓̯ ̳͓̟͕̙̠I̮̖̦͈̜̹̦ D̲O̭̞͈N͍͇̭̗͉ͅ'̦̤̜͇̼̠T̝̭̲̞̦̟ ͕͈L̺̼̖͉͔̦̤I̺͍̝̬̩K͉͔̦̳͕E͈̝̝̩̺̦̙ ̖B̳̰̼̭E̼̲̩̥͕I͖N̺̲̳̬̥ͅGͅ ̖͕C͔̥̬U̯R͔͉̙͖̗S͇̹̣̣E̟̱̤̜D̰!̳̫̹̞̺̰

[mothmansplaining]

[Oh fuck you. Ford's not intimidated -- after his initial moment of shifting his body weight back in surprise, he squares his shoulders, leans in, and shouts back:]

How do you think I feel, you pyramidal prick?! You think I like the fact that someone stabbed me just to get to you?

[Because, seriously. That makes it so much worse.]

Maybe, if you don't want to be cursed so much, stop making the kinds of enemies who'll turn me into a human pincushion!

[Sharp volume increase there at the end!]

[tetractys]

[YELLING BACK]

HOW ARE YOU A GENIUS SURVIVALIST OUTLAW THAT STILL KEEPS GETTING CAPTURED ALL THE TIME!

[mothmansplaining]

Seriously?

Are you really trying to tell me that being kidnapped by someone I don't even know because they have a grudge against you is my fault?! I haven't memorized the capabilities of every godforsaken inmate on this ship, Cipher! I can't spy on them through the mindscape! For all I know, one of them might be able to summon nuclear bombs or dimensional fissures and has just been keeping quiet about it!

Besides, nothing here is permanent. Even if I die, it doesn't matter. I'll just come back!

[A deep defiant frown, and his vouce becomes a growl.]

The cursing part of it is your problem.

[tetractys]

YEAH! IT IS MY PROBLEM! THIS GUY DIDN'T HAVE A NUCLEAR BOMB, HE WAS JUST A BUNCH OF GHOSTS! IF YOU'RE A WAY TO GET TO ME NOW, YOU'RE A WEAK LINK, AND I HAVE TO FIX THAT.

[mothmansplaining]

[Ford recoils.]

What--!

[He shifts, reaching one arm across his chest to his shoulder protectively, the other shoulder moving back. Whatever this is, he's ready to fight it.]

What are you planning to do to me?!

[tetractys]

UUUUGH, I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU A BUNCH OF MAGIC, BUT I ALSO WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT IT'D BE WAY EASIER TO JUST KILL YOU IF WE WEREN'T ON THE BARGE!

THIS ISN'T EVEN THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE LOST A FIGHT TO A REGULAR WIZARD, YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT! ANYBODY THAT CAN CHANT LATIN CAN CAST A SPELL!

[Bill props his arms akimbo. What a fuckin pain in the ass. Why does this have to be his problem now?]

[mothmansplaining]

[The feeling is mutual, and exacerbated by the fact that Ford is death tolling, death tolling because of Bill (albeit indirectly), not to mention fresh from a murder nightmare. He fixes Bill with a flat, resentful look. He agrees: killing Bill would be much easier, and he'd only have to conpartmantalize a little bit of bad feeling about it. He would also settle for a good punch.]

What do you want me to do, summon a bunch of zombies? That'll work great on a ship with no corpses!

[Ford pinches his nose and takes a deep breath. Okay, okay. He's got to calm down and think about this. Bill's offering magic lessons, and from the sounds of it, it'll be useful. That's good: he might not care so much about death itself, but the toll is something he'd rather avoid.]

All right! I accept. I'll learn whatever it is you want to teach me. I could use more magic that doesn't take twenty minutes of preparation and make a mess of the floor.

[tetractys]

NO! ZOMBIES MAKE THINGS WORSE. YOU NEED -

[Nothing that would imply that magic is easier than you already think it is.]

-AT LEAST A SHIELD! SHOW ME WHAT HE DID, I WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT.

[Bill has faded to yellow, but is still too big. He waves the dream projection of himself away into yellow dust.]

[mothmansplaining]

[Ford rolls his eyes but complies. The dream shifts to the hallway outside the kitchen, and the scene plays out. Ford is approached, brushes Horseriver off, is asked about Bill, chats for a bit, and is put into an enchanted sleep.]

[tetractys]

[Bill narrows his eye and rewinds it a couple times.]

HUH, SO NOTHING YOU'D HAVE TIME TO PREPARE FOR!

...YOU ALWAYS HAVE THAT COAT, RIGHT? THE EASIEST THING THAT ISN'T A TATTOO WOULD BE RUNES IN THE LINING!

[mothmansplaining]

[Ford waves a hand with a grimace.]

Not a tattoo.

[Thoughtfully:]

Runes in the coat lining, though -- that's a good idea.

[tetractys]

I KNOW!

YOU DON'T NEED UNICORN HAIR, BUT IF YOU CAN GET SOMETHING TO DO 'EM IN THAT ALREADY HAS MAGICAL PROPERTIES, IT'LL HELP! THAT'LL LET YOU DO THE RITUAL BEFOREHAND AND REAP THE BENEFITS WHEN YOU'RE IN DANGER.

[This is bullshit, but it's believable bullshit - and that's the key. Examples of reagents pop up around Ford's feet - a pile of severed gnome beards, a bubbling cauldron of something blue, moonstones, a pack of Juicy Fruit but weirdly glittery...]

[mothmansplaining]

[He bends down and picks up a handful of moonstones, which glow softly between his fingers.]

I'm sure I've still got some of these lying around. They'll do nicely.

[He looks up at Bill.]

Is there a catch?

[It's bullshit but Ford has no reason to disbelieve it. Bill wants to keep people from getting to him through Ford. They're working together on a project. Ford doesn't think this is an attempt at sabotage. But he has to check.]

[tetractys]

YEAH, STOP GETTING KIDNAPPED!

...ALSO I'M NOT POSITIVE THESE THINGS WORK THE SAME OUTSIDE OF GRAVITY FALLS! YOU MIGHT NEED TO GET SOMEONE TO FLING A SPELL AT YOU TO TEST IT!

[mothmansplaining]

I'm sure there's somebody on this boat who will send some hostile magic my way in the name of science.

[Ford sticks the moonstone in his pocket. It won't do him any good when he wakes up, of course; it's done without thinking.

He looks at Bill and pulls a face. This is the right and polite thing to say, and as much as he doesn't like it, he ought to say it. It feels like pulling teeth.]

Thank you, for the magic advice.

[And then he pulls an arm back and throws a punch straight at Bill's eye.]

And that's for getting me kidnapped and murdered in the first place! What did you do to that guy?

[tetractys]

"AAA!"

Bill gets punched in his giant eye, and clutches it.

"I'M HELPING! WHY DO YOU HIT ME WHEN I'M HELPING?"

He literally just told you that, Bill.

"IT WAS A JOKE, HE'S JUST BEING A BABY!"

[mothmansplaining]

"Obviously, he thinks your jokes aren't very funny! A position to which I can relate!"

Frankly, Ford isn't sure if he's angry with Horseriver or not. The guy snuck up on him and killed him, yes, but taking extreme measures to harm Bill Cipher is one of the many places where Ford's moral high ground is below sea level. He'd have to talk with the guy more to know for sure, find out what happened from a less Bill-biased point of view. But Bill absolutely deserves Ford's ire, in Ford's opinion. All this for a joke? He's death tolling, here!

[tetractys]

"WHY ARE YOU TAKING HIS SIDE?"

[mothmansplaining]

"You really think I'm gonna take yours?!"

Ford would put a curse on Bill himself in a heartbeat if he thought it would do any good. But he can't think of any that would get him anything besides ire from the people Bill has somehow managed to get fond of him. Or at least unwilling to see him come to needless harm.

[tetractys]

"I DIDN'T KILL YOU!"

[mothmansplaining]

"It happened because of you! Because you thought it'd be funny to make some kind of joke at the expense and possible physical pain of a guy who kills people to cast curses!"

Look. Ford knows Bill thinks killing people in creative ways is funny. He is not ruling out the possibility that Horseriver was wounded in more places than his pride.

[tetractys]

"SO WHAT, I'M SUPPOSED TO TREAT HIM DIFFERENTLY JUST BECAUSE HE CAN KILL PEOPLE? ANYBODY CAN KILL PEOPLE! IT'S NOT EVEN HARD."

[mothmansplaining]

"I'm just saying you could have avoided this!" Ford snaps. "You're the one who poked the ghost wizard and ticked him off enough to go after you! You might not have been the one with the knives, but you're still responsible for this!"

[tetractys]

"AW, YOU THINK I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING."

Bill clicks and they're on a sinking Titanic, the tableau frozen. The iceberg is lemon-yellow and has a distinctive slit-pupiled eye.

"NEVER MIND, THIS IS DUMB TO FIGHT ABOUT! I'M GIVING YOU MAGIC, YOU'RE WELCOME! I'M ALSO GONNA ASK QUENTIN TO TEACH YOU THE STUFF FROM HIS WORLD. APPARENTLY THE MORE FINGERS YOU HAVE THE BETTER YOU ARE AT CASTING IT. SOME PEOPLE GO OUT OF THEIR WAY AND DO PRETTY DANGEROUS STUFF JUST TO GET MORE!"