[IC INBOX | lastvoyages ]

[mothmansplaining]

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"Stanford Pines. Leave a message."

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[mothmansplaining]

That's what you're here to talk about?

[It comes out kind of defensive. Wow, he can handle putting on a show of being enemies on the network and talking business matter-of-factly over private channels, but just because they're working together and Ford would throw away everything he has on the Barge to keep Bill tethered doesn't mean Ford has to start answering personal questions.]

[tetractys]

[Hey that weird thing where they were publically arguing and privately discussing something happened by accident, it was just a convenient accident. Iris needs to trust that Ford is on her side.

Wait, why is he here again? Oh right. He opens his hand and a glowing, wobbly window opens over it, displaying the chaos of the room when Bill, Horseriver, Ford, and Mick were all in various states of distress. It occurs to Bill that Ford was out for this part and might not have any idea what happened.]

NO, I'M HERE TO MAKE SURE THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN! BUT YOU SAID TO GIVE YOU A MINUTE!

[mothmansplaining]

I'm fine.

[He gestures to his intact dreamscape body. See? No holes. That means he's fine.

Ford peers at the window, his mouth opening in surprise for a moment, then he rubs his chin.]

So, that wasn't some kind of dying hallucination. It really happened.

[Weird.]

What the heck was he trying to do? One minute he's telling me he's in some kind of trouble with you, the next I'm lying in some unfamiliar cabin with a knife in my gut!

1/2

[tetractys]

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

[Bill flickers through reality to be much closer to Ford.]

I BROKE OUR CONNECTION, BUT APPARENTLY NOT WELL ENOUGH! HE USED YOUR BODY TO CAST A CURSE ON ME.

[A dotted line with an arrow in front of it springs out of the center of Ford's chest and makes its way over to Bill as he speaks. Purely a visual aid. It looks like something you'd see on an old treasure map. Bill plucks the arrow out of the air before it can finish its path.]

THERE'S A FEW WAYS HE COULD HAVE DONE THAT, AND I CAN'T CLOSE THEM ALL!

[More dotted lines in different colors start popping out of Ford and arcing over towards Bill. They pause before hitting him so Ford can stare over. See? You see the problem here?]

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS ABOUT ME-

2/2

[tetractys]

[Bill suddenly doubles in size, bright red and furious.]

- B̳U͇T͓̯ ̳͓̟͕̙̠I̮̖̦͈̜̹̦ D̲O̭̞͈N͍͇̭̗͉ͅ'̦̤̜͇̼̠T̝̭̲̞̦̟ ͕͈L̺̼̖͉͔̦̤I̺͍̝̬̩K͉͔̦̳͕E͈̝̝̩̺̦̙ ̖B̳̰̼̭E̼̲̩̥͕I͖N̺̲̳̬̥ͅGͅ ̖͕C͔̥̬U̯R͔͉̙͖̗S͇̹̣̣E̟̱̤̜D̰!̳̫̹̞̺̰

[mothmansplaining]

[Oh fuck you. Ford's not intimidated -- after his initial moment of shifting his body weight back in surprise, he squares his shoulders, leans in, and shouts back:]

How do you think I feel, you pyramidal prick?! You think I like the fact that someone stabbed me just to get to you?

[Because, seriously. That makes it so much worse.]

Maybe, if you don't want to be cursed so much, stop making the kinds of enemies who'll turn me into a human pincushion!

[Sharp volume increase there at the end!]

[tetractys]

[YELLING BACK]

HOW ARE YOU A GENIUS SURVIVALIST OUTLAW THAT STILL KEEPS GETTING CAPTURED ALL THE TIME!

[mothmansplaining]

Seriously?

Are you really trying to tell me that being kidnapped by someone I don't even know because they have a grudge against you is my fault?! I haven't memorized the capabilities of every godforsaken inmate on this ship, Cipher! I can't spy on them through the mindscape! For all I know, one of them might be able to summon nuclear bombs or dimensional fissures and has just been keeping quiet about it!

Besides, nothing here is permanent. Even if I die, it doesn't matter. I'll just come back!

[A deep defiant frown, and his vouce becomes a growl.]

The cursing part of it is your problem.

[tetractys]

YEAH! IT IS MY PROBLEM! THIS GUY DIDN'T HAVE A NUCLEAR BOMB, HE WAS JUST A BUNCH OF GHOSTS! IF YOU'RE A WAY TO GET TO ME NOW, YOU'RE A WEAK LINK, AND I HAVE TO FIX THAT.

[mothmansplaining]

[Ford recoils.]

What--!

[He shifts, reaching one arm across his chest to his shoulder protectively, the other shoulder moving back. Whatever this is, he's ready to fight it.]

What are you planning to do to me?!

[tetractys]

UUUUGH, I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU A BUNCH OF MAGIC, BUT I ALSO WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT IT'D BE WAY EASIER TO JUST KILL YOU IF WE WEREN'T ON THE BARGE!

THIS ISN'T EVEN THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE LOST A FIGHT TO A REGULAR WIZARD, YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT! ANYBODY THAT CAN CHANT LATIN CAN CAST A SPELL!

[Bill props his arms akimbo. What a fuckin pain in the ass. Why does this have to be his problem now?]

[mothmansplaining]

[The feeling is mutual, and exacerbated by the fact that Ford is death tolling, death tolling because of Bill (albeit indirectly), not to mention fresh from a murder nightmare. He fixes Bill with a flat, resentful look. He agrees: killing Bill would be much easier, and he'd only have to conpartmantalize a little bit of bad feeling about it. He would also settle for a good punch.]

What do you want me to do, summon a bunch of zombies? That'll work great on a ship with no corpses!

[Ford pinches his nose and takes a deep breath. Okay, okay. He's got to calm down and think about this. Bill's offering magic lessons, and from the sounds of it, it'll be useful. That's good: he might not care so much about death itself, but the toll is something he'd rather avoid.]

All right! I accept. I'll learn whatever it is you want to teach me. I could use more magic that doesn't take twenty minutes of preparation and make a mess of the floor.

[tetractys]

NO! ZOMBIES MAKE THINGS WORSE. YOU NEED -

[Nothing that would imply that magic is easier than you already think it is.]

-AT LEAST A SHIELD! SHOW ME WHAT HE DID, I WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT.

[Bill has faded to yellow, but is still too big. He waves the dream projection of himself away into yellow dust.]

[mothmansplaining]

[Ford rolls his eyes but complies. The dream shifts to the hallway outside the kitchen, and the scene plays out. Ford is approached, brushes Horseriver off, is asked about Bill, chats for a bit, and is put into an enchanted sleep.]

[tetractys]

[Bill narrows his eye and rewinds it a couple times.]

HUH, SO NOTHING YOU'D HAVE TIME TO PREPARE FOR!

...YOU ALWAYS HAVE THAT COAT, RIGHT? THE EASIEST THING THAT ISN'T A TATTOO WOULD BE RUNES IN THE LINING!

[mothmansplaining]

[Ford waves a hand with a grimace.]

Not a tattoo.

[Thoughtfully:]

Runes in the coat lining, though -- that's a good idea.

[tetractys]

I KNOW!

YOU DON'T NEED UNICORN HAIR, BUT IF YOU CAN GET SOMETHING TO DO 'EM IN THAT ALREADY HAS MAGICAL PROPERTIES, IT'LL HELP! THAT'LL LET YOU DO THE RITUAL BEFOREHAND AND REAP THE BENEFITS WHEN YOU'RE IN DANGER.

[This is bullshit, but it's believable bullshit - and that's the key. Examples of reagents pop up around Ford's feet - a pile of severed gnome beards, a bubbling cauldron of something blue, moonstones, a pack of Juicy Fruit but weirdly glittery...]

[mothmansplaining]

[He bends down and picks up a handful of moonstones, which glow softly between his fingers.]

I'm sure I've still got some of these lying around. They'll do nicely.

[He looks up at Bill.]

Is there a catch?

[It's bullshit but Ford has no reason to disbelieve it. Bill wants to keep people from getting to him through Ford. They're working together on a project. Ford doesn't think this is an attempt at sabotage. But he has to check.]

[tetractys]

YEAH, STOP GETTING KIDNAPPED!

...ALSO I'M NOT POSITIVE THESE THINGS WORK THE SAME OUTSIDE OF GRAVITY FALLS! YOU MIGHT NEED TO GET SOMEONE TO FLING A SPELL AT YOU TO TEST IT!

[mothmansplaining]

I'm sure there's somebody on this boat who will send some hostile magic my way in the name of science.

[Ford sticks the moonstone in his pocket. It won't do him any good when he wakes up, of course; it's done without thinking.

He looks at Bill and pulls a face. This is the right and polite thing to say, and as much as he doesn't like it, he ought to say it. It feels like pulling teeth.]

Thank you, for the magic advice.

[And then he pulls an arm back and throws a punch straight at Bill's eye.]

And that's for getting me kidnapped and murdered in the first place! What did you do to that guy?

[tetractys]

"AAA!"

Bill gets punched in his giant eye, and clutches it.

"I'M HELPING! WHY DO YOU HIT ME WHEN I'M HELPING?"

He literally just told you that, Bill.

"IT WAS A JOKE, HE'S JUST BEING A BABY!"

[mothmansplaining]

"Obviously, he thinks your jokes aren't very funny! A position to which I can relate!"

Frankly, Ford isn't sure if he's angry with Horseriver or not. The guy snuck up on him and killed him, yes, but taking extreme measures to harm Bill Cipher is one of the many places where Ford's moral high ground is below sea level. He'd have to talk with the guy more to know for sure, find out what happened from a less Bill-biased point of view. But Bill absolutely deserves Ford's ire, in Ford's opinion. All this for a joke? He's death tolling, here!

[tetractys]

"WHY ARE YOU TAKING HIS SIDE?"

[mothmansplaining]

"You really think I'm gonna take yours?!"

Ford would put a curse on Bill himself in a heartbeat if he thought it would do any good. But he can't think of any that would get him anything besides ire from the people Bill has somehow managed to get fond of him. Or at least unwilling to see him come to needless harm.

[tetractys]

"I DIDN'T KILL YOU!"