[Ford winces in sympathy. He's got no idea if a mirror-Barge murder would come with regular-Barge consequences, and he's so grateful he isn't finding out.]
Yeesh. Yeah, sounds like somebody was out to get him. Thought his story would be more exciting this way.
I don't know, Stanley. How do we make it so that the possibility of one of us becoming an inmate is boring?
Maybe we could threaten them with a strike. Make a pact that if one of us gets demoted, we'll shut ourselves in our cabins and not talk to anyone. We'll make ourselves boring. Ruin their fun.
What's stopping them from demoting all of us and bringing in new wardens? It'd be like when an actor gets recast 'cause they got caught in some kinda scandal or got arrested or something.
[But aside from that practical point, he's listening. He gets the principle behind all of it. Ruin their fun.]
Maybe we don't have to make being an inmate seem boring.
Maybe we just have to make sure us being wardens is always more entertaining than us being inmates. Y'know, don't give them a reason to recast us in the first place.
That's the beauty of it! We're already doing something right, or we wouldn't be wardens already. We just gotta treat it like a movie or a TV show, think about it that way.
[He points at Ford.]
You had a redemption arc, 'cause you graduated. That's automatically interesting! If someone's actually watching all this, they're probably invested in you succeeding as a warden. If you got demoted right now, it'd probably be disappointing because they already watched you learn lessons about yourself.
[Then, at himself!]
Meanwhile I'm probably coasting by on the comedy value they get from making a career criminal into a cop. Fair enough! It's a funny bit! "Let's watch the new warden joke around about all the times he's been in jail before and piss off inmates!". But that's not gonna last forever, 'cause jokes get old when you do them too many times. The second they stop laughing, they're probably gonna start looking for a "twist" to do to me.
Not that it's stopped them from showing me uncomfortable things about myself.
[This is a muttered gripe. Out loud:]
So, we figure out the twist, make sure it's not demotion, and bam! We survive.
[Something strikes him.]
It's going to be that you're actually a family man, isn't it? You'll come off like a hardened criminal, making smoke bombs for inmates, but what'll actually get 'em is when you start warming up to the people on the ship. You'll turn out to be a surprisingly good friend, and it'll be even more compelling because you started out looking so unsavory.
Stanley, I hate to break it to you, but the people running this game show love relationships. They love them so much the place is practically a singles' cruise, even if you aren't single! Half the ship is romantically entangled with one another in a web of group marriages and swingers I can't keep track of, and that kind of thing can keep someone who goes a whole year without getting on the network around even through his severe, listless unsociability.
[Is that what actually happened to Quentin? Maybe not, but it's how Ford's connected the dots.]
Your best bet is going to be getting to know people. Especially now that you've made a fuss about not wanting to.
[A beat. Then, like he's presenting the last line of a mathematical proof:]
They make us kiss one another with magic mistletoe around the holidays.
Sounds like I'm getting demoted either way. Every romance I've ever been in's ended miserably, and in case you haven't noticed I'm not that great at opening up to people. This is gonna be a disaster!
[Stan storms off to the bar for a refill then. It's not even about the shipping, not really. He's had plenty of non-serious flings! That part shouldn't be a problem! The problem comes from warming up to people and the sincerity that comes with that. He knows what this is - people don't watch romances for flings, they watch it for the emotional drama.
He comes back to the table with a glass that's casually a little fuller than the one he started the evening with.]
So, uh... [He drums his fingers on the table, desperately trying to think of something to change the subject and failing miserably.] ...How's things been?
Well, uh. I broke up with my boyfriend. Was very wrong about this just being a flood. Took apart a ton of gym equipment to make cabin locks that didn't do much good.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Yeesh. Yeah, sounds like somebody was out to get him. Thought his story would be more exciting this way.
I don't know, Stanley. How do we make it so that the possibility of one of us becoming an inmate is boring?
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[Anywhere else it gets repetitive and there's a hierarchy and your warden isn't going to let you into a pool or go bowling.]
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[But aside from that practical point, he's listening. He gets the principle behind all of it. Ruin their fun.]
...Maybe we're thinking about it backwards.
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Maybe we just have to make sure us being wardens is always more entertaining than us being inmates. Y'know, don't give them a reason to recast us in the first place.
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[We're basically cops, Stanley. We're the fuzz now.]
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[He points at Ford.]
You had a redemption arc, 'cause you graduated. That's automatically interesting! If someone's actually watching all this, they're probably invested in you succeeding as a warden. If you got demoted right now, it'd probably be disappointing because they already watched you learn lessons about yourself.
[Then, at himself!]
Meanwhile I'm probably coasting by on the comedy value they get from making a career criminal into a cop. Fair enough! It's a funny bit! "Let's watch the new warden joke around about all the times he's been in jail before and piss off inmates!". But that's not gonna last forever, 'cause jokes get old when you do them too many times. The second they stop laughing, they're probably gonna start looking for a "twist" to do to me.
Spam!
[This is a muttered gripe. Out loud:]
So, we figure out the twist, make sure it's not demotion, and bam! We survive.
[Something strikes him.]
It's going to be that you're actually a family man, isn't it? You'll come off like a hardened criminal, making smoke bombs for inmates, but what'll actually get 'em is when you start warming up to the people on the ship. You'll turn out to be a surprisingly good friend, and it'll be even more compelling because you started out looking so unsavory.
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[BUT THAT PROBABLY REQUIRES EMOTIONAL HONESTY AND OPENING UP TO PEOPLE. He wasn't prepared for that!!!]
Maybe I just...maybe I get a new bit! Yeah, maybe I finally learn to juggle, or take up ventriloquism!
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[Is that what actually happened to Quentin? Maybe not, but it's how Ford's connected the dots.]
Your best bet is going to be getting to know people. Especially now that you've made a fuss about not wanting to.
[A beat. Then, like he's presenting the last line of a mathematical proof:]
They make us kiss one another with magic mistletoe around the holidays.
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What if I learn to juggle and ride a unicycle at the same time?
[It sounds a little more desperate and pathetic though, like he already knows what the answer is going to be.]
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Sounds like I'm getting demoted either way. Every romance I've ever been in's ended miserably, and in case you haven't noticed I'm not that great at opening up to people. This is gonna be a disaster!
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[Ford pats Stan encouragingly on the shoulder.]
When you get a romantic interest or three, I'll do my very best not to make it awkward.
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I'm not just saying the right things; it's true! Ugh!
[He stands up, abruptly changing the subject.]
I need another drink - you want anything while I'm up?
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[He holds up his still mostly-full glass, since he has not yet had to drink away his anxiety about the mortifying ordeal of being shipped.]
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He comes back to the table with a glass that's casually a little fuller than the one he started the evening with.]
So, uh... [He drums his fingers on the table, desperately trying to think of something to change the subject and failing miserably.] ...How's things been?
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How's thing's been other than that?
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Eh, it sounded like it was gonna be one. It was worth a shot, probably.
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[That treads so close to the line, but Stan swerves in another direction at the last moment and grins.]
You and Nadja seen each other since the party?
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