[He'd done it because he'd wanted to keep track of Stan. Having information on Stan mattered to him, more than anyone else on the ship. So he'd gone behind Stan's back, ignored what Stan wanted, and had done what Ford thought was best, because having the information on Stanley was worth it, even if Stan wasn't talking to him.
But saying that would make him sound a lot like Bill, wouldn't it.]
[Even though Stan had gone to absurd lengths to make him remove it. Thinking about what he almost did too much makes him rub at his nose, as though he can feel a thing he didn't actually do.]
Yeah, probably. ...At least it's over now, right?
[He holds up his glass tentatively for Ford to clink. Cheers?]
[That catches Stan off-guard and he winces and laughs. It's not funny and it doesn't really sound like he thinks it's funny - it's the sort of laugh that blindsides you when you're a nervous bundle of energy.]
Ugh, that sounds awful! I mean, they must've put you back together but still!
Not exactly. The Admiral was able to undo some of it, but he wasn't able to get rid of it all. The rest, we had to sort out ourselves. I think some people death tolled as the quickest way to get themselves back to normal. Others underwent, ah, corrective surgery.
[Stan thinks for a second about asking what animal Ford was, but then he decides against it. If he knows any more specifics he's just going to imagine it happening to himself and he absolutely can't think about it. Nope.]
Guess I've really lucked out the last few times, huh? This place was bound to catch up with me eventually.
That's how it goes, in my experience. I used to think this place was nothing I couldn't handle. I'd just learn whatever it was I had to learn to graduate, and in the meantime, anything it threw at me couldn't be weirder than what I'd seen before.
In our defense, we have seen some pretty weird stuff, especially you.
[Gravity Falls was basically founded on weird and Ford's been all over the multiverse, so it's not that much of a leap to assume they wouldn't be surprised by anything here.]
But, I suppose watching us deal with the same old stuff isn't as exciting. Someone out there was ready for bad things to start happening to you, so they did.
[He glances over Stanley's shoulder, into empty air, just for a second.]
Anyway, they like the horrible stuff just as much as flying bowling balls. It's the inmates who've got it worst. They can't leave.
Well, someone out there wasn't paying attention! Plenty of bad stuff's happened to me! They should've been watching me then!
[He huffs, but what Ford says sinks in - as does the fact that he looked over Stan's shoulder to say it.]
...Yeah, you've got a point there. It's even more messed up than that though, since we could get demoted any time and be stuck here too. Nobody's safe really.
[He's been thinking about that a lot lately, since his inmate is an inmate because he was demoted. How is anyone supposed to prove to the Admiral that they're Warden material when they were already a warden? It feels like a trap - a trap he could fall into any second.]
I'm afraid not. As far as I can tell, you get demoted in instances of willful murder, which seems to be the only time it has any consequences whatsoever, or accidental deaths, if the initiating event was an attempt to reach the Admiral.
So, don't kill anyone or destabilize the ship, and you should be okay.
Rhys got demoted for taking the person who was killing him down with him, and his file's got nothing to do with that. The whole thing's a set-up! Fits right in with everything you've been saying about this place too. What wouldn't spice things up like throwing in a little murder and having to deal with the consequences? Let's throw everyone in situations where they might hurt someone and then pull the rug out from under them when everything goes back to normal!
[He frowns at his drink.]
Ford, I literally got on the network and threatened to throw people overboard if they got near me last week. No one did, so it was fine, but...I wouldn't have put it past that version of me to actually follow through.
[Ford winces in sympathy. He's got no idea if a mirror-Barge murder would come with regular-Barge consequences, and he's so grateful he isn't finding out.]
Yeesh. Yeah, sounds like somebody was out to get him. Thought his story would be more exciting this way.
I don't know, Stanley. How do we make it so that the possibility of one of us becoming an inmate is boring?
Maybe we could threaten them with a strike. Make a pact that if one of us gets demoted, we'll shut ourselves in our cabins and not talk to anyone. We'll make ourselves boring. Ruin their fun.
What's stopping them from demoting all of us and bringing in new wardens? It'd be like when an actor gets recast 'cause they got caught in some kinda scandal or got arrested or something.
[But aside from that practical point, he's listening. He gets the principle behind all of it. Ruin their fun.]
Maybe we don't have to make being an inmate seem boring.
Maybe we just have to make sure us being wardens is always more entertaining than us being inmates. Y'know, don't give them a reason to recast us in the first place.
That's the beauty of it! We're already doing something right, or we wouldn't be wardens already. We just gotta treat it like a movie or a TV show, think about it that way.
[He points at Ford.]
You had a redemption arc, 'cause you graduated. That's automatically interesting! If someone's actually watching all this, they're probably invested in you succeeding as a warden. If you got demoted right now, it'd probably be disappointing because they already watched you learn lessons about yourself.
[Then, at himself!]
Meanwhile I'm probably coasting by on the comedy value they get from making a career criminal into a cop. Fair enough! It's a funny bit! "Let's watch the new warden joke around about all the times he's been in jail before and piss off inmates!". But that's not gonna last forever, 'cause jokes get old when you do them too many times. The second they stop laughing, they're probably gonna start looking for a "twist" to do to me.
Not that it's stopped them from showing me uncomfortable things about myself.
[This is a muttered gripe. Out loud:]
So, we figure out the twist, make sure it's not demotion, and bam! We survive.
[Something strikes him.]
It's going to be that you're actually a family man, isn't it? You'll come off like a hardened criminal, making smoke bombs for inmates, but what'll actually get 'em is when you start warming up to the people on the ship. You'll turn out to be a surprisingly good friend, and it'll be even more compelling because you started out looking so unsavory.
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And I stopped time and put another one in.
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Y'know, I thought I saw a little...flicker thing. But I, uh. Was trying real hard not to think about the whole thing, even then.
[And he'll go ahead and punctuate that awkward beat with a swig of his drink.]
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But saying that would make him sound a lot like Bill, wouldn't it.]
That's probably for the best.
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Yeah, probably. ...At least it's over now, right?
[He holds up his glass tentatively for Ford to clink. Cheers?]
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At least it's over.
[Time to take a mouthful of brain-numbing punch-to-the-face mild poison.]
At least this terrible event didn't involve anyone being surgically transformed into animal people. That one was unpleasant.
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Ugh, that sounds awful! I mean, they must've put you back together but still!
[He shudders. He's glad he missed that one.]
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Not exactly. The Admiral was able to undo some of it, but he wasn't able to get rid of it all. The rest, we had to sort out ourselves. I think some people death tolled as the quickest way to get themselves back to normal. Others underwent, ah, corrective surgery.
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...What'd you do?
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The rest was pretty easy to just...cut off.
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Guess I've really lucked out the last few times, huh? This place was bound to catch up with me eventually.
[And it sure did this time.]
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[Gravity Falls was basically founded on weird and Ford's been all over the multiverse, so it's not that much of a leap to assume they wouldn't be surprised by anything here.]
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[He glances over Stanley's shoulder, into empty air, just for a second.]
Anyway, they like the horrible stuff just as much as flying bowling balls. It's the inmates who've got it worst. They can't leave.
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[He huffs, but what Ford says sinks in - as does the fact that he looked over Stan's shoulder to say it.]
...Yeah, you've got a point there. It's even more messed up than that though, since we could get demoted any time and be stuck here too. Nobody's safe really.
[He's been thinking about that a lot lately, since his inmate is an inmate because he was demoted. How is anyone supposed to prove to the Admiral that they're Warden material when they were already a warden? It feels like a trap - a trap he could fall into any second.]
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So, don't kill anyone or destabilize the ship, and you should be okay.
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[He frowns at his drink.]
Ford, I literally got on the network and threatened to throw people overboard if they got near me last week. No one did, so it was fine, but...I wouldn't have put it past that version of me to actually follow through.
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Yeesh. Yeah, sounds like somebody was out to get him. Thought his story would be more exciting this way.
I don't know, Stanley. How do we make it so that the possibility of one of us becoming an inmate is boring?
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[Anywhere else it gets repetitive and there's a hierarchy and your warden isn't going to let you into a pool or go bowling.]
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[But aside from that practical point, he's listening. He gets the principle behind all of it. Ruin their fun.]
...Maybe we're thinking about it backwards.
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Maybe we just have to make sure us being wardens is always more entertaining than us being inmates. Y'know, don't give them a reason to recast us in the first place.
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[We're basically cops, Stanley. We're the fuzz now.]
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[He points at Ford.]
You had a redemption arc, 'cause you graduated. That's automatically interesting! If someone's actually watching all this, they're probably invested in you succeeding as a warden. If you got demoted right now, it'd probably be disappointing because they already watched you learn lessons about yourself.
[Then, at himself!]
Meanwhile I'm probably coasting by on the comedy value they get from making a career criminal into a cop. Fair enough! It's a funny bit! "Let's watch the new warden joke around about all the times he's been in jail before and piss off inmates!". But that's not gonna last forever, 'cause jokes get old when you do them too many times. The second they stop laughing, they're probably gonna start looking for a "twist" to do to me.
Spam!
[This is a muttered gripe. Out loud:]
So, we figure out the twist, make sure it's not demotion, and bam! We survive.
[Something strikes him.]
It's going to be that you're actually a family man, isn't it? You'll come off like a hardened criminal, making smoke bombs for inmates, but what'll actually get 'em is when you start warming up to the people on the ship. You'll turn out to be a surprisingly good friend, and it'll be even more compelling because you started out looking so unsavory.
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