[The statement is a direct contradiction to the motivation behind
the majority of the actual crimes outlined in the file. She sits back a
bit, studying his posture, how it relates to his words, and decides
that she believes him.]
[He looks up at Laura, and his expression is odd -- is that sadness? Resignation? Or just exhaustion?]
Don't get me wrong. Bill still poses a grave danger to the multiverse, and if he were to ever break free with all of his powers back, the results would be catastrophic. There are three versions of him alive that I'm aware of, and if I had either of the other two in my sights, I'd pull the trigger without hesitation.
But the one on this ship is different.
I've seen him change more in the last twelve months than I thought would happen in a literal billion years. On a Barge that was properly run, with a competent Admiral and tighter security, I think he'd stand a real chance at graduation.
You know. Eventually.
The point is, I don't want to destroy that. He might be the only Bill out there who does.
[Something flickers across her face, too; something a little like
confusion, but mostly like sympathy.]
He's still a menace. [But Ford may be right. She's been here longer
than that, and when she really thinks about it, even she can admit there
are some differences. Small. And subtle. But differences, all the
same.] I didn't like him to begin with, and I like him even less
after knowing what he did to you. I don't ... agree with the people who
think he's harmless. Or misunderstood.
But I also don't agree with killing when there are other options, so I'm
glad to hear that.
As for running the Barge, I think that's something that we need to take
into our own hands. The Admiral isn't competent, but we've seen -- Steve
Rogers's demotion is proof of what happens when we try to cut off the
operation of the Barge at the head. A mutiny won't work. I believe our best
shot at a competently run barge is to put a vote of no confidence in the
Admiral and run what we can as we see fit, starting with the things that
are easier to change at a ground level: like the gardens. Like setting up
regular patrols on an irregular schedule. And being aware of the skills and
knowledge bases of as many passengers as possible -- not just for our own
safety but also so that we can fill in the gaps. We're practically already
running day to day operations ourselves.
[She is dimly aware that she's getting fired up about this, but she
doubts Ford will judge her for that. She does, however, rein it in a little
bit.] And ... I digress. We were talking about what's happened in
the past year.
[Ford gives a quiet laugh -- not a mean one, he's not laughing at her, but:]
I like your initiative. But there'll be plenty of time to talk about that later.
[He's glad to hear she takes Bill seriously, that she doesn't like him, isn't buddy-buddy movie nights with him, that she recognizes him for the danger he is. It gives Ford one less thing to worry about -- that Bill might try to manipulate his warden.]
For now...let's see. Are there any points you need clarified?
It's not a clarification, exactly, but ... I'd like to hear more about your
family, if there's anything you want to share. The file gives me a few
facts, but not much else. And -- present day. Or at least the last that you
remember. [She's not as interested in a deep dive into his past; she
wants to focus on the good things, and getting back to his own dimension
seemed like a significant enough success that it's something to explore a
little more, even if it didn't last that long.]
[In the space of a moment or two, the smile drops away from Ford's face. Weight settles back into Ford's posture, and his eyes fall. There's an attempt at bringing the smile back, at casual levity, but the underlying sadness is impossible to miss.]
You could have met them in the Bargeyard, if you wanted. I ran into Stan, Dipper, and Mabel, who had come ashore from another ship! I believed them to be from a splintered timeline very close to my own, one in which Stan died in the Arctic Ocean instead of me. I wish I'd been able to spend more time with them without being shut up in a building we had to convert into a safe house!
[He sighs, fondly -- but also soberly. Their absence is painful, and time hasn't made it easier.]
I miss them terribly.
Dipper and Mabel had just turned thirteen when Stan and I left. Mabel is a remarkable girl. She has one of the most magnetic personalities I've ever seen, and the fastest stitch-rate-per-minute this side of Purrcury 5. She's always making something. Very artistic. Incredibly creative use of stickers, things I wouldn't have thought of in a million years. She'd have an entire menagerie, if she could, but for now, she's got a pet pig by the name of Waddles that she's rarely seen without.
Dipper is her twin brother, and I admit, it took me a little longer to warm up to him. Mabel won me over immediately with her fearless, off-beat charm, but when I first met Dipper, he was a nervous, sweaty, stammering mess! Kind of like me the first time I spoke to Tesla. I thought he'd been scribbling over my journals with inane pre-teen drivel, so I didn't give his additions to them a second thought. But when I discovered he shared my interest in Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons, well -- we connected quickly after that. So much so that before the summer ended, I asked him to stay in Gravity Falls and become my apprentice! At first I thought he was convinced, but in the end, he decided to go back to California with his sister. I find I can't argue with the wisdom of his choice. He has a more level head on his shoulders than I ever did, and I'm sure I--
[There's a hitch in Ford's narrative there.]
...I'm sure I'll see him again.
[You know, eventually. Once he stops being dead and all. There's, you know, a difference between "I'll sail back next summer" and "I don't know if I'm going to be able to change myself in the right ways enough to come back to Earth before I disappear for good."]
[It strikes her a little too hard, and a little too late, that Ford
didn't actually choose to come aboard voluntarily. He didn't get to say
goodbye, and he doesn't have the luxury of being able to go back whenever
he wants. None of the inmates do. Laura's face falls, and she regrets --
just a little bit -- that she asked in this way, but she really doesn't
know how else she could have done so. She files away the names, the facts,
the way that Ford's expressions change, even if subtly, as he
speaks.]
I'm sorry.
They sound ... [Something. Something. What are words?]
I had only known my sister for a few months when I came here originally.
That didn't mean that I didn't miss and worry about her every single day
that I was here. Must be something about thirteen-year-olds, right?
[She offers a laugh, but there's not that much humor in
it.]
Oh, yes. Not immediately, and not...easily, but -- yes, I did.
[That same sense of sad trying-to-make-the-best-of-it fondness is all over Ford's face and voice right now. But talking about Stan hurts worst, and Ford skirts the topic a little, even without meaning to.]
There's so much I wish I had known then, so many things I would have done differently. I don't think there's any point in my life where I wouldn't be tempted to create a paradox that would rip apart the very fabric of reality in order to keep myself from making a terrible mistake. ...ah, well. Probably wouldn't have listened, anyway. Even to myself!
[And Laura doesn't push. The 'yes' is good enough for her.]
You know, I know someone that happened to. Several someones, actually. A
whole team, plucked out of their own time and brought to the future -- my
present -- so that they could see what their future selves had done to the
world that they lived in, and make different choices when they went back.
Their presence in my time caused a paradox that meant that not only
could they never return, but some of those ... alternate choices ...
resulted in reality fraying at the edges a little bit. There were demons.
They also did not listen to themselves. I ... don't think that anyone does.
It's easy to think that your own present self is the real one, and the only
one to be trusted with the choices that you have to make for yourself. I'm
sure if I went back to my own past and told myself not to do some of the
things that I did, I wouldn't listen to myself either. And it's ...
[A pause, as she considers.]
I used to be an assassin. And, briefly, a prostitute. In both cases, I
didn't know ... that there were other options. I would have called
my future self a liar.
[Yes, that sounds about right -- what happened when the team came to the future. A grim nod, that says yes, that's what he expected. He wasn't particularly expecting assassin or prostitute, but Ford Pines is in no position whatsoever to be making any kind of judgment about someone else's history.]
It makes you wonder what kind of mistakes you're making right now. Stuff you'll kick yourself for later, probably! Heh heh.
[There's levity in the tone, and it sounds forced, but also like a coping mechanism. If Ford treats this with the weight it really has, he might collapse, so he pretends it's light.]
Probably. [She concedes the point with a small smile, allowing him
the levity that he's looking for. She may not be very good at responding to
social cues, but she understands body language like it's her native tongue
-- and in many ways, it is.] But that's how we learn things.
And that's ... I should probably tell you that I don't have a Deal. I mean
-- I have one. I haven't decided on what it is. I'm not ... I'm here
to help, first and foremost.
[She gestures around her cabin.] Even this apartment was
payment to me and my sister -- for helping to defeat an alien plague -- and
I didn't want to accept it. But she insisted.
[Ford doesn't know if that makes him feel better or worse. Not the murder part, he doesn't bat an eyelash at that, but the fact that she doesn't have something vitally important to her riding on his redemption.
It might make him feel better, actually. Takes some of the pressure off. No one's life or dreams or future is riding on this but his own.]
That's a very mature perspective on causality. But you do have experience with the damage even well-meaning paradoxes can do.
I do. That's why I want to think very carefully about what I ask for. But
in the meantime ... I'm not particularly concerned with it as much as I am
with ... doing what I came here to do. Which is ... well.
[She looks up with a soft, but solid smile.]
I was raised to be a killer. A weapon. A tool. I was educated only in what
I needed to know to get the job done, and fed only what was necessary to
keep me functioning at top performance. [A tiny realization, and a
soft laugh:] Maybe that's why I'm so eager to keep our food
resources varied and sustainable. But ... my point is, I was a
killer -- and not much else -- for the first thirteen years of my life. I'm
twenty-one now, so I'm ... still learning, and unlearning. And I think it's
important that you know that I've made peace with the things that I've
done. I'm not here as a penance. I'm not trying to do good in order to make
up for the blood on my hands. I'm here because I believe it's the right
thing to do, to help people when they need it, in the ways that I
can help.
I'm still used to that being ... mostly violent. So I will probably make
some mistakes. But, um ... if there's anything that you need, and I'm not
picking up on it, you can just ask.
[Ford's brows draw closer together, but it doesn't look like he's upset. It's like...he thinks she is a very good person, and seems to be questioning whether she should really be spending her time on someone like him. But her reasons for being here are really respectable, in Ford's opinion -- there's something very unselfish about it, about how she isn't here to use someone else's moral development for her own ends.]
Well, that makes two of us. I'll make mistakes, too. I'm certain of it.
[He hopes she doesn't think too badly of him when he does.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[The statement is a direct contradiction to the motivation behind the majority of the actual crimes outlined in the file. She sits back a bit, studying his posture, how it relates to his words, and decides that she believes him.]
What made you change your mind?
no subject
Don't get me wrong. Bill still poses a grave danger to the multiverse, and if he were to ever break free with all of his powers back, the results would be catastrophic. There are three versions of him alive that I'm aware of, and if I had either of the other two in my sights, I'd pull the trigger without hesitation.
But the one on this ship is different.
I've seen him change more in the last twelve months than I thought would happen in a literal billion years. On a Barge that was properly run, with a competent Admiral and tighter security, I think he'd stand a real chance at graduation.
You know. Eventually.
The point is, I don't want to destroy that. He might be the only Bill out there who does.
no subject
[Something flickers across her face, too; something a little like confusion, but mostly like sympathy.]
He's still a menace. [But Ford may be right. She's been here longer than that, and when she really thinks about it, even she can admit there are some differences. Small. And subtle. But differences, all the same.] I didn't like him to begin with, and I like him even less after knowing what he did to you. I don't ... agree with the people who think he's harmless. Or misunderstood.
But I also don't agree with killing when there are other options, so I'm glad to hear that.
As for running the Barge, I think that's something that we need to take into our own hands. The Admiral isn't competent, but we've seen -- Steve Rogers's demotion is proof of what happens when we try to cut off the operation of the Barge at the head. A mutiny won't work. I believe our best shot at a competently run barge is to put a vote of no confidence in the Admiral and run what we can as we see fit, starting with the things that are easier to change at a ground level: like the gardens. Like setting up regular patrols on an irregular schedule. And being aware of the skills and knowledge bases of as many passengers as possible -- not just for our own safety but also so that we can fill in the gaps. We're practically already running day to day operations ourselves.
[She is dimly aware that she's getting fired up about this, but she doubts Ford will judge her for that. She does, however, rein it in a little bit.] And ... I digress. We were talking about what's happened in the past year.
no subject
I like your initiative. But there'll be plenty of time to talk about that later.
[He's glad to hear she takes Bill seriously, that she doesn't like him, isn't buddy-buddy movie nights with him, that she recognizes him for the danger he is. It gives Ford one less thing to worry about -- that Bill might try to manipulate his warden.]
For now...let's see. Are there any points you need clarified?
no subject
It's not a clarification, exactly, but ... I'd like to hear more about your family, if there's anything you want to share. The file gives me a few facts, but not much else. And -- present day. Or at least the last that you remember. [She's not as interested in a deep dive into his past; she wants to focus on the good things, and getting back to his own dimension seemed like a significant enough success that it's something to explore a little more, even if it didn't last that long.]
no subject
You could have met them in the Bargeyard, if you wanted. I ran into Stan, Dipper, and Mabel, who had come ashore from another ship! I believed them to be from a splintered timeline very close to my own, one in which Stan died in the Arctic Ocean instead of me. I wish I'd been able to spend more time with them without being shut up in a building we had to convert into a safe house!
[He sighs, fondly -- but also soberly. Their absence is painful, and time hasn't made it easier.]
I miss them terribly.
Dipper and Mabel had just turned thirteen when Stan and I left. Mabel is a remarkable girl. She has one of the most magnetic personalities I've ever seen, and the fastest stitch-rate-per-minute this side of Purrcury 5. She's always making something. Very artistic. Incredibly creative use of stickers, things I wouldn't have thought of in a million years. She'd have an entire menagerie, if she could, but for now, she's got a pet pig by the name of Waddles that she's rarely seen without.
Dipper is her twin brother, and I admit, it took me a little longer to warm up to him. Mabel won me over immediately with her fearless, off-beat charm, but when I first met Dipper, he was a nervous, sweaty, stammering mess! Kind of like me the first time I spoke to Tesla. I thought he'd been scribbling over my journals with inane pre-teen drivel, so I didn't give his additions to them a second thought. But when I discovered he shared my interest in Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons, well -- we connected quickly after that. So much so that before the summer ended, I asked him to stay in Gravity Falls and become my apprentice! At first I thought he was convinced, but in the end, he decided to go back to California with his sister. I find I can't argue with the wisdom of his choice. He has a more level head on his shoulders than I ever did, and I'm sure I--
[There's a hitch in Ford's narrative there.]
...I'm sure I'll see him again.
[You know, eventually. Once he stops being dead and all. There's, you know, a difference between "I'll sail back next summer" and "I don't know if I'm going to be able to change myself in the right ways enough to come back to Earth before I disappear for good."]
no subject
[It strikes her a little too hard, and a little too late, that Ford didn't actually choose to come aboard voluntarily. He didn't get to say goodbye, and he doesn't have the luxury of being able to go back whenever he wants. None of the inmates do. Laura's face falls, and she regrets -- just a little bit -- that she asked in this way, but she really doesn't know how else she could have done so. She files away the names, the facts, the way that Ford's expressions change, even if subtly, as he speaks.]
I'm sorry.
They sound ... [Something. Something. What are words?]
I had only known my sister for a few months when I came here originally. That didn't mean that I didn't miss and worry about her every single day that I was here. Must be something about thirteen-year-olds, right? [She offers a laugh, but there's not that much humor in it.]
You reconnected with Stan, too?
no subject
[That same sense of sad trying-to-make-the-best-of-it fondness is all over Ford's face and voice right now. But talking about Stan hurts worst, and Ford skirts the topic a little, even without meaning to.]
There's so much I wish I had known then, so many things I would have done differently. I don't think there's any point in my life where I wouldn't be tempted to create a paradox that would rip apart the very fabric of reality in order to keep myself from making a terrible mistake. ...ah, well. Probably wouldn't have listened, anyway. Even to myself!
no subject
[And Laura doesn't push. The 'yes' is good enough for her.]
You know, I know someone that happened to. Several someones, actually. A whole team, plucked out of their own time and brought to the future -- my present -- so that they could see what their future selves had done to the world that they lived in, and make different choices when they went back. Their presence in my time caused a paradox that meant that not only could they never return, but some of those ... alternate choices ... resulted in reality fraying at the edges a little bit. There were demons.
They also did not listen to themselves. I ... don't think that anyone does. It's easy to think that your own present self is the real one, and the only one to be trusted with the choices that you have to make for yourself. I'm sure if I went back to my own past and told myself not to do some of the things that I did, I wouldn't listen to myself either. And it's ...
[A pause, as she considers.]
I used to be an assassin. And, briefly, a prostitute. In both cases, I didn't know ... that there were other options. I would have called my future self a liar.
no subject
It makes you wonder what kind of mistakes you're making right now. Stuff you'll kick yourself for later, probably! Heh heh.
[There's levity in the tone, and it sounds forced, but also like a coping mechanism. If Ford treats this with the weight it really has, he might collapse, so he pretends it's light.]
no subject
Probably. [She concedes the point with a small smile, allowing him the levity that he's looking for. She may not be very good at responding to social cues, but she understands body language like it's her native tongue -- and in many ways, it is.] But that's how we learn things.
And that's ... I should probably tell you that I don't have a Deal. I mean -- I have one. I haven't decided on what it is. I'm not ... I'm here to help, first and foremost.
[She gestures around her cabin.] Even this apartment was payment to me and my sister -- for helping to defeat an alien plague -- and I didn't want to accept it. But she insisted.
no subject
You don't know what you want to get out of this? There's no person you plan to bring back to life, no unstoppable enemy you want to destroy?
no subject
[ She shakes her head, a little sadly, as she glances down at her hands for a moment. ]
No. I'm... My losses are my lessons. Sometimes you can't save everyone.
I defeated my personal enemies. They're dead. My pimp, my handler, the people who made me and abused me. I killed them. Some of them long ago.
My father's alive again. Somewhere. But I always knew that wouldn't take.
And if... if I change anything in my past, I can't guarantee I would be the same person. Everything that happened to me made me who I am today.
no subject
It might make him feel better, actually. Takes some of the pressure off. No one's life or dreams or future is riding on this but his own.]
That's a very mature perspective on causality. But you do have experience with the damage even well-meaning paradoxes can do.
no subject
I do. That's why I want to think very carefully about what I ask for. But in the meantime ... I'm not particularly concerned with it as much as I am with ... doing what I came here to do. Which is ... well.
[She looks up with a soft, but solid smile.]
I was raised to be a killer. A weapon. A tool. I was educated only in what I needed to know to get the job done, and fed only what was necessary to keep me functioning at top performance. [A tiny realization, and a soft laugh:] Maybe that's why I'm so eager to keep our food resources varied and sustainable. But ... my point is, I was a killer -- and not much else -- for the first thirteen years of my life. I'm twenty-one now, so I'm ... still learning, and unlearning. And I think it's important that you know that I've made peace with the things that I've done. I'm not here as a penance. I'm not trying to do good in order to make up for the blood on my hands. I'm here because I believe it's the right thing to do, to help people when they need it, in the ways that I can help.
I'm still used to that being ... mostly violent. So I will probably make some mistakes. But, um ... if there's anything that you need, and I'm not picking up on it, you can just ask.
no subject
Well, that makes two of us. I'll make mistakes, too. I'm certain of it.
[He hopes she doesn't think too badly of him when he does.]
But we'll do our best to figure it out together.
[He offers a hand to shake.]