[Ford stares. He...can't answer that. He feels okay, but he felt okay before, and then, when his project had failed, he'd fallen apart, worse than he'd thought he would.]
....I don't know. I thought I was fine, too.
[How do you define "okay" if it isn't "able to go on"?]
I'm happy with you, Bill. And I'm happy that Stan's here, too. But I'm not happy on this ship. I'm here because it's where I have to be. Are you happy here? Could you ever be?
[Ford's coming around to accept that a lot of things in the past weren't his fault. He kept fighting for a world that's been unkind to him. His impulses weren't bad. He wanted to help, and wanting to help was good. What other people choose to do as a result of his actions isn't necessarily his fault.
But...that's not the same as being happy with himself. Ford's been trying to make up for himself for so long that he's not sure what being happy with himself, instead of proud of his work or trying to impress, feels like.]
[He's repeating it out of surprise. Bill wants to fix it, it being how Ford feels about himself, so Ford will....be happier?
He needs a second to chew this over. Even though he knows Bill wants him to be happy, it's still strange sometimes to be confronted with the reality of it.]
[Still, though, Ford feels a little weird about Bill asking people to go out of their way to be nice. This is because, while saying he's not happy with the Barge is just fine, saying he's not happy with himself and asking for help about it is a little bit embarrassing.]
Still -- are you sure it's worth the trouble of asking other people to get involved?
Well -- okay. If you can get them to agree to come by and tell me what they think of me, I'll listen to what they have to say.
[Them's the terms. He's not positive people are going to do it, or that this won't go terribly wrong. But at least very few people on the Barge are actively mad at him right now; he's pretty sure he can count them on one hand, which is an improvement.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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WE'RE GOING TO ASK PEOPLE TO TELL YOU NICE THINGS THEY KNOW ABOUT YOU, THAT'S ALL!
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YOU'RE CLEARLY STILL MESSED UP OVER THE THING LAST MONTH. I DON'T THINK IT WENT AWAY JUST BECAUSE YOUR BROTHER IS AROUND!
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[ford pls]
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[Bill clicks the video on here, so he can gesture with his palm forward. Stop. Be honest.]
IF YOU'RE REALLY OKAY I'LL LET IT GO! BUT THE LAST TIME I ASSUMED YOU WERE FINE IT TURNED OUT YOU HADN'T BEEN FINE FOR DECADES!
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....I don't know. I thought I was fine, too.
[How do you define "okay" if it isn't "able to go on"?]
I'm happy with you, Bill. And I'm happy that Stan's here, too. But I'm not happy on this ship. I'm here because it's where I have to be. Are you happy here? Could you ever be?
[100% rhetorical.]
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[Ford's coming around to accept that a lot of things in the past weren't his fault. He kept fighting for a world that's been unkind to him. His impulses weren't bad. He wanted to help, and wanting to help was good. What other people choose to do as a result of his actions isn't necessarily his fault.
But...that's not the same as being happy with himself. Ford's been trying to make up for himself for so long that he's not sure what being happy with himself, instead of proud of his work or trying to impress, feels like.]
...there's a lot of things I'm not proud of.
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I MEAN YOU CAN LIVE, BUT WHY NOT FIX IT? I'M HELPING, LET ME HELP, HUH?
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[He's repeating it out of surprise. Bill wants to fix it, it being how Ford feels about himself, so Ford will....be happier?
He needs a second to chew this over. Even though he knows Bill wants him to be happy, it's still strange sometimes to be confronted with the reality of it.]
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[is he missing something? Are they not fixable? What is happening]
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I'm sorry, Bill. I guess that even after everything we've been through, it still surprises me, sometimes.
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[Still, though, Ford feels a little weird about Bill asking people to go out of their way to be nice. This is because, while saying he's not happy with the Barge is just fine, saying he's not happy with himself and asking for help about it is a little bit embarrassing.]
Still -- are you sure it's worth the trouble of asking other people to get involved?
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[Them's the terms. He's not positive people are going to do it, or that this won't go terribly wrong. But at least very few people on the Barge are actively mad at him right now; he's pretty sure he can count them on one hand, which is an improvement.]
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