"I'm sensitive to being manipulated. And I normally can spot when a super evil plan's going down. Even if it's by accident."
Suuuch a leer.
"Here's the idea. You teach me to be nice. Redeeming qualities and all that crap. And I tell you when you're being a rude, insensitive jerk to people. If you see me laughing, you're usually doing that."
Ford Pines is very tense and that's not going to change any time soon, especially since having hands on him makes him tense up even more, and once he realizes what's happening, he stands and turns so his back is to the table, gripping the edge with his hands.
"It's just going to be me telling you that things you want to do aren't nice, and you'll either get sulky and say I'm no fun, or you'll do them anyway and people will start blaming me for not stopping you! Not that I'm particularly popular anyway," he adds in an undertone. "And on top of that, I'll have to deal with you calling me a jerk whenever you think it's funny!"
Edited (edit in case of 504) 2019-11-13 15:00 (UTC)
That comes out before Ford means it to. But, once he takes a breath, he keeps going.
"I don't expect to teach anybody anything. Even if the Admiral's standards weren't arbitrary and useless, I am severely underqualified to teach anyone how to be a good person."
He looks away.
"Go talk to Iris. She's not a good person, either, but at least she's good at this, if her graduation record is anything to go by." This isn't advice Ford is happy about giving, but he is so sure he's going to be terrible that he's willing to send Betelgeuse to the person he dislikes most on the entire ship, so please give up on him.
"Why?" Ford demands, flabbergasted. Why the heck would Betelgeuse pick a guy who can barely keep himself from doing harm, whose sense of basic human empathy is clearly broken (Ford please) and who only graduated because (no Ford) he gave up on big rebellion (Ford that's wrong) and can't help him?
(Betelgeuse is right, Ford is one big bundle of issues. Probably of Fully Clothed Old Men.)
"Because you call me out on my shit, Ford!" Says the exasperated demon, throwing his hands up.
"Because you know this graduation shit and I don't! Hange is great and all but I can walk all over her any day of the week. And I'm probably going to target her for fun. She doesn't know ghostly demons who haunt the nether regions of the universe. I'm gonna need a team of people to help me out of here and I want you as her coach."
Pause.
"That was a lot of truth in that paragraph so I'm going to wrap that up with a joke."
Ahahaha yep a very funny joke. Ford's face and ears heat up a few degrees in embarrassment.
(Ford. Please. Accept the compliment. He isn't making fun of you, he has been sincerely sexually harassing you since you met.)
But misinterpreting the joke aside, it's reassuring to Ford to hear that Betelgeuse can't walk all over him. It makes him feel a little less overwhelmed, a little less like he never learns and just makes the same mistakes again and again. He's doing okay dealing with this. And....he finds that he does want to help. He just doesn't want to end up like Luke after the breakout, and he doesn't want to be controlling again.
"So," he says, slowly, "this doesn't mean I'm responsible for what you do and don't do. You just want me to...what precisely is it that you want?"
"Help Hange!" He blurts out. "She's too nice and indulgent. I can charm the socks off her. You know demons - you're about the only guy here who DOES. We're liars and fuckheads and we will do things that keep you up at night.
Ford sighs. His instinct to not get more involved than he has to is warring with wanting to help keep the people here from being hurt by a loose cannon inmate. He doesn't have to do this. He doesn't have to give in to the nice feeling of Betelgeuse respecting his experience with and knowledge of demons enough to ask for his help. He could just let this take its course. Just because Ford can do something doesn't mean he is morally obligated to.
....but, damn it, with Bill gone, Ford's had only so much to do. He's spinning his wheels on the spaceship, needing more parts, and the pet-entangler doesn't feel like he's doing anything real. He can always quit. The Admiral didn't pair them.
Ford's arms are pinned to his sides; his back hasn't been cracked like this in decades and for a second he sees stars. But he doesn't push it away yet, despite the smell.
"This is a strictly at-will arrangement!" he grits out, with what air he can squeeze into his lungs. "I have the right to quit at any time!"
Whew. Okay. Ford dusts himself off. It's going to take ages to get the smell out, but he can worry about that after Betelgeuse leaves. Which he will. After the flood.
"Well, that makes things easy," Ford says, smoothing the first page out. "And raises some troubling questions about the state of my own mortality. Probably best not to think about it."
He peers over at the book too, making a face and sticking his tongue out at it.
"Yeah, that doesn't even have chapter indexing. They want you to read the whole damn thing. Hated updating that shit. Anyway, it basically covers everything you need to know about how shit works after you die; hauntings, exorcisms, how to deal with necrophiliacs, psychics, the ghostbusters..."
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Suuuch a leer.
"Here's the idea. You teach me to be nice. Redeeming qualities and all that crap. And I tell you when you're being a rude, insensitive jerk to people. If you see me laughing, you're usually doing that."
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"Just to be clear -- you're going to show me how not to be an insensitive jerk."
He lets that sit for a moment. Ford Pines's social skills might be terrible, but he doesn't trust Betelgeuse Sensitivity Training either.
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His mile-wide grin indicates that this is a lie.
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So, that aside. "I don't think this is a good idea," Ford sighs.
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"SURE it won't be the greatest idea we've ever had, but it's going to be FUN."
Says the demon giving the researcher a good shoulder and neck massage.
"You gotta loosen up!"
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Ford Pines is very tense and that's not going to change any time soon, especially since having hands on him makes him tense up even more, and once he realizes what's happening, he stands and turns so his back is to the table, gripping the edge with his hands.
"It's just going to be me telling you that things you want to do aren't nice, and you'll either get sulky and say I'm no fun, or you'll do them anyway and people will start blaming me for not stopping you! Not that I'm particularly popular anyway," he adds in an undertone. "And on top of that, I'll have to deal with you calling me a jerk whenever you think it's funny!"
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"How else do you expect to TEACH anyone around here if you're not willing to take a risk and help a demon out?"
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That comes out before Ford means it to. But, once he takes a breath, he keeps going.
"I don't expect to teach anybody anything. Even if the Admiral's standards weren't arbitrary and useless, I am severely underqualified to teach anyone how to be a good person."
He looks away.
"Go talk to Iris. She's not a good person, either, but at least she's good at this, if her graduation record is anything to go by." This isn't advice Ford is happy about giving, but he is so sure he's going to be terrible that he's willing to send Betelgeuse to the person he dislikes most on the entire ship, so please give up on him.
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"Iris is assloads of fun, but she's more a friend than a warden." BJ decides. "I want you."
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(Betelgeuse is right, Ford is one big bundle of issues. Probably of Fully Clothed Old Men.)
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"Because you know this graduation shit and I don't! Hange is great and all but I can walk all over her any day of the week. And I'm probably going to target her for fun. She doesn't know ghostly demons who haunt the nether regions of the universe. I'm gonna need a team of people to help me out of here and I want you as her coach."
Pause.
"That was a lot of truth in that paragraph so I'm going to wrap that up with a joke."
Huff.
"Plus, you're sexy. I dig that."
harassment mention
(Ford. Please. Accept the compliment. He isn't making fun of you, he has been sincerely sexually harassing you since you met.)
But misinterpreting the joke aside, it's reassuring to Ford to hear that Betelgeuse can't walk all over him. It makes him feel a little less overwhelmed, a little less like he never learns and just makes the same mistakes again and again. He's doing okay dealing with this. And....he finds that he does want to help. He just doesn't want to end up like Luke after the breakout, and he doesn't want to be controlling again.
"So," he says, slowly, "this doesn't mean I'm responsible for what you do and don't do. You just want me to...what precisely is it that you want?"
Re: harassment mention
And I have to get out of here."
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....but, damn it, with Bill gone, Ford's had only so much to do. He's spinning his wheels on the spaceship, needing more parts, and the pet-entangler doesn't feel like he's doing anything real. He can always quit. The Admiral didn't pair them.
"Okay," he says. "I'll do it."
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He's stunned. But not for long; BJ leaps up and grabs Ford in a bone-crunching hug.
"YES! Yes yes yes! This is going to be SO GOOD!"
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Ford's arms are pinned to his sides; his back hasn't been cracked like this in decades and for a second he sees stars. But he doesn't push it away yet, despite the smell.
"This is a strictly at-will arrangement!" he grits out, with what air he can squeeze into his lungs. "I have the right to quit at any time!"
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He looks over at the Handbook.
"Mind if I take a look at that?"
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"Yeah, if you can. It only opens for the recently deceased so you have to kill something in order for them to open the book for you."
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"I wonder if having died on board the Barge counts," says Ford, reaching for it. He'll give it a try.
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It does count; it would have opened for BJ himself, having died by falling off the ship earlier.
"Holy crap."
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"Yeah, that doesn't even have chapter indexing. They want you to read the whole damn thing. Hated updating that shit. Anyway, it basically covers everything you need to know about how shit works after you die; hauntings, exorcisms, how to deal with necrophiliacs, psychics, the ghostbusters..."
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