"Ah," Ford says, waving a hand. "Barge became a chaos labyrinth. Nightmares turned real. The West Coast of the United States will probably never be the same. You know. The kind of thing that happens when you mix magic and science and dimension-warping technology.
"I built in protections so that nobody died or was physically hurt. But some of them were frightened pretty badly, and I had no right to put them through that."
He pauses, his feelings about this complicated.
"Still, it feels sometimes like most people on the Barge would rather work under a dishonest Admiral and ignore the inmates who hate it here than have anyone disrupt their plans."
"That's so selfish. If people are suffering and wardens don't care,
because they're getting their deals - if the Admiral is allowing that -
it isn't right. Something has to change."
"It does," Ford says. "But so far, only a few people have been able and willing to do it, and it's always ended badly. Steve Rogers got demoted for trying to get to the bridge, and as for me..." He sighs. "I almost got a good friend killed permanently."
"There certainly might be," says Ford. "We could get on the bridge and pilot the ship. I know it's possible -- someone took the whole boat to a vacation planet before I ever got here. I suppose, if we couldn't think of anything else, we could fly the stolen Barge back to the Bargeyard. That was actually my original plan, before Bill talked me into trying to break into their dimension."
"Not necessarily. Supposedly, the only thing that can demote a warden back to being an inmate is being responsible for someone else's death. Seems an arbitrary thing to penalize, considering it's not permanent and there are far worse crimes a warden can commit with impunity, but that's the Barge for you. That's what happened to Rogers -- when he tried to break onto the bridge, he destabilized some systems by accident and, as a result, a few of the passengers died. That's the official reason for his demotion.
"But the timing is suspicious. In fact, my own graduation came not long after I gave up on making any big changes to the Barge and started my smaller projects."
Ford, no, it was because you realized you needed to let people opt out of your projects and respect their right not to be pulled into your plans that endanger them. Ford. Ford please.
"So, in theory, it would depend on if anyone were seriously harmed in the attempt, accidental or not." In practice, well -- it'd depend on if the Admiral decides to follow his own rules.
"Oh, I'd try it, all right," Ford says with conviction. "If I were reasonably sure I could do it without collateral damage to the passengers, or getting them involved in trouble they didn't agree to.
"It's a pity the Admiral doesn't show us the same respect."
"Not as long as he follows his own rules," says Ford. Which, you know...odds of that are pretty wigglyhand. But Ford would be behind it, just...not if it would do more harm than good.
"I don't know," Ford tells her honestly. "Like I said, I've never been assigned an inmate who wanted to have anything to do with me. I'm sort of unpopular on this ship, and I've got no idea how to be a warden.
"I suppose it would be a different story if you were one of those loose-cannon kill-for-fun types. But unless you're a very good liar, I don't anticipate having to rein you in to protect the ship."
"You don't have to be an inmate to want to hurt people," Ford tells her. "Personally, I'm convinced that the only difference between inmates and wardens is that inmates are dead. Being a warden doesn't make you a good person, it just means you're willing to stay here and do the job. There's nobody here who couldn't change for the better, whether their lives are riding on it or not."
He takes a deep breath.
"I'd rather treat this like a partnership. I'll let you into any warden-only areas you want to see, and if we make port, I'll walk you off the ship. If you die, I'll bring you back. And, if you need anything -- even if it's just someone to talk to -- then I'll do my best to help.
"It isn't easy, being on the Barge. Protecting people you care about is nearly impossible, and all the most painful and embarrassing parts of your past get broadcast to the whole ship every few floods. The best advice I can give you is to stay alert, stay armed, and stay honest. Trying to keep any interesting secrets -- especially romantic ones -- will only end in everyone finding out anyway, usually at the most dramatic possible moment. It's...unpleasant."
That's why, when he and Bill were together, they just sort of didn't hide it. They went to a wedding in coordinated outfits and enough people figured it out that it couldn't be revealed in any kind of shocking way.
"There are a number of ways," Ford says matter-of-factly. "Sometimes, a flood makes snippets of your past appear on the public network. Other times, you end up saying it yourself, because the whole Barge is breaking into thematically appropriate songs or something. But, if you are permanently paired with a warden, that warden will receive a file containing a detailed account of your history. You can ask them not to read it, of course, and some of them will respect that. But it will exist."
"Is it the kind of secret that would be very dramatic and cause interpersonal conflict that would be entertaining to watch from a safe extraplanar distance?" he asks. "If it's just something boring, like cheating on a test or an embarrassing disease, then you're probably safe."
"In that case, you should probably start thinking about how to break the news to anyone it might be relevant to. In my experience, it's better to come clean and make sure they hear it from you, instead of watching it on a video clip extracted from your mind."
Ford reaches out and puts a sympathetic hand on her shoulder.
"There's no easy way to do it," he says. "It might still go badly. Who knows? But the last time I tried to keep a big important secret, it led to chaos and destruction that wouldn't have happened if I'd trusted more people. And the time before that, my nephew misunderstood what was happening and tried to erase my mind! Both times everyone found out anyway."
Hoensty isn't always the best policy, except on the Barge, when it is.
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"I built in protections so that nobody died or was physically hurt. But some of them were frightened pretty badly, and I had no right to put them through that."
He pauses, his feelings about this complicated.
"Still, it feels sometimes like most people on the Barge would rather work under a dishonest Admiral and ignore the inmates who hate it here than have anyone disrupt their plans."
Ford's accepted this, but he doesn't like it.
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She frowns thoughtfully.
"That's so selfish. If people are suffering and wardens don't care, because they're getting their deals - if the Admiral is allowing that - it isn't right. Something has to change."
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"I'm sorry," Rose says quietly. "But there might be another way, right? Something nobody's tried yet?"
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"But if you tried anything else, you'd end up as an inmate again. Right?"
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"But the timing is suspicious. In fact, my own graduation came not long after I gave up on making any big changes to the Barge and started my smaller projects."
Ford, no, it was because you realized you needed to let people opt out of your projects and respect their right not to be pulled into your plans that endanger them. Ford. Ford please.
"So, in theory, it would depend on if anyone were seriously harmed in the attempt, accidental or not." In practice, well -- it'd depend on if the Admiral decides to follow his own rules.
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She nods, processing.
"But you wouldn't try anything again anyway? Because it's not a small project?"
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"It's a pity the Admiral doesn't show us the same respect."
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"But you don't think he'd demote you just for...defying him?"
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"He sounds terrible." Rose is frowning thoughtfully. "Does anyone really trust him?"
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"Of course."
She sighs out a breath. Lots to think about.
"So - anyway. What is this month going to look like for us?"
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"I suppose it would be a different story if you were one of those loose-cannon kill-for-fun types. But unless you're a very good liar, I don't anticipate having to rein you in to protect the ship."
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"What? No! I'm definitely not that kind of person. I never wanted to have to hurt anybody."
But, y'know, it happened.
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He takes a deep breath.
"I'd rather treat this like a partnership. I'll let you into any warden-only areas you want to see, and if we make port, I'll walk you off the ship. If you die, I'll bring you back. And, if you need anything -- even if it's just someone to talk to -- then I'll do my best to help.
"It isn't easy, being on the Barge. Protecting people you care about is nearly impossible, and all the most painful and embarrassing parts of your past get broadcast to the whole ship every few floods. The best advice I can give you is to stay alert, stay armed, and stay honest. Trying to keep any interesting secrets -- especially romantic ones -- will only end in everyone finding out anyway, usually at the most dramatic possible moment. It's...unpleasant."
That's why, when he and Bill were together, they just sort of didn't hide it. They went to a wedding in coordinated outfits and enough people figured it out that it couldn't be revealed in any kind of shocking way.
"But at least you don't have to go it alone."
He extends a hand. Partners?
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Rose falters at that revelation, but she smiles tentatively and reaches for Ford's hand.
"Partners."
A pause.
"You mentioned...things being found out. How does that happen?"
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"Oh."
Her voice is small. Finally, she pipes up:
"Even if it's a secret that will be....very bad for someone if it comes out?"
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"Is it the kind of secret that would be very dramatic and cause interpersonal conflict that would be entertaining to watch from a safe extraplanar distance?" he asks. "If it's just something boring, like cheating on a test or an embarrassing disease, then you're probably safe."
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"No, it's...it's more that first one, really. Although not very entertaining."
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He feels for her. He really does.
"In that case, you should probably start thinking about how to break the news to anyone it might be relevant to. In my experience, it's better to come clean and make sure they hear it from you, instead of watching it on a video clip extracted from your mind."
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"...I....I guess you're right."
She frowns at the floor.
"I just don't know how to tell her something I've kept a secret for thousands of years."
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"There's no easy way to do it," he says. "It might still go badly. Who knows? But the last time I tried to keep a big important secret, it led to chaos and destruction that wouldn't have happened if I'd trusted more people. And the time before that, my nephew misunderstood what was happening and tried to erase my mind! Both times everyone found out anyway."
Hoensty isn't always the best policy, except on the Barge, when it is.
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