[Ford doesn't know how to feel about being asked that. Is Bill asking out of care or out of habit? And how does he give a simple answer? What are the parameters of 'okay'? Does 'okay' mean 'back to fighting Bill without feelings getting in the way'? Does it mean 'able to get over the fact that he was tricked again'? Ford is soooo not equipped to answer that question right now.]
[Ford's eyes squeeze shut. Maybe he should have stomped off earlier, like he'd been inches from doing a minute ago. Would've been easier. Just...stop talking. Stop letting Bill get into his head, since that's a thing he was a fool to stop worrying about.
He opens them and says matter-of-factly:]
I'll be fine.
[This has no specific meaning, so it doesn't mean much more than, "I won't die of heartbreak in space." Ford will go on, whatever that looks like.
He doesn't want this to be over. Doesn't want to just...go back to being enemies. He worked so hard, sacrificed so much, in the circumstances leading up to this, and...and in one five-minute conversation, it's all gone. Maybe forever.
It's got to be, though.]
Besides, if you hadn't started this, where would I be? I'd probably never have realized the truth about Gravity Falls. I might already have gone back, never knowing that I'd never get to sail around the world with Stanley, or see the kids grow up. I might've been okay, but I wouldn't have been real. That's important to me.
AND I JUST DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S REAL OR WHAT ISN'T. OR IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE WHEN WE FIGURE IT OUT IT CHANGES OUT FROM UNDER US! OR IT'S ALL BEEN A BIG, STUPID CONTRIVED PLOT TO KEEP US TOGETHER AND ENTERTAINING THE CROWD AND KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE!
[More loopy laughing. This bout is just not going to stop until it's interrupted.]
BUT - HAHA - IT'S NOT WORKING BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT! HAHAHAHAHA-
Bill, stop that. You just got through saying you weren't sure of any of your conclusions, so stop jumping to them for five minutes while we figure out what the heck we're going to do about us!
[Bill blinks hard a few times, wipes away a tear. Hears Mabel's voice in the back of his head: An apology's supposed to be about the person you hurt, not yourself!]
I'VE JUST BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS THE WHOLE TIME YOU'VE BEEN GONE, AND THIS IS ALL I'VE GOT.
[Bill's point sets itself on the tabletop, and he keeps talking, gesturing up at Ford anyway.]
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING. EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I ACCOMPLISHED WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD NEVER BEEN TO EARTH AT ALL, DID YOU KNOW THAT? QUENTIN TOLD ME THAT! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE IF YOU LEAVE, BUT I THINK YOU'RE MAKING THE RIGHT CALL. I, hahah, I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF ANY OF THIS BECOMES CLEARER.
[It's very funny that he's such a mess, and Bill snickers.
Learn about the cosmos? Eh. He already gathers so much information just by having his eyes...]
SERVES ME RIGHT, HUH? I THINK I CAN ANSWER YOUR QUESTION FROM BEFORE. YOU DIDN'T LOSE, I LOST. I LOST TWICE! HAHAH, AHAHAHA...
[This isn't right. This is making it about himself. This isn't how you apologise. But he can't stop, his mouth just keeps running.]
I CAN'T EVEN BE MAD AT YOU FOR KILLING ME. I'M THE ONE THAT STARTED IT. I CAN'T EVEN BE MAD AT YOU FOR THIS, BECAUSE YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! I JUST FELL FOR MY OWN STUPID HYPE. LIKE I'VE EVER HAD AN EMOTION THAT WASN'T A SADISTIC JOKE!
[Bill doubles over again, laughing some more.]
AW, FORDSY.
[He goes still, looks up, eye watery from laughter.]
I LIKED PRETENDING. I LIKED WHO I WAS WITH YOU.
[Likes it a lot better than who it turns out he really is.]
[He can't. He can't handle this right now, can't field Bill's emotions and his own, can't listen to Bill talk about how he's never had a feeling that wasn't a joke and then turn around and say he liked who he was pretending to be better than who he is.
The multiverse can take care of itself for a while. Even if Ford could -- even if he had the emotional bandwidth to help here -- he doesn't trust himself not to make yet another colossal social mistake. He shakes his head and stands up, looking down at Bill perched on the chair. His mind's made up. He's got to go.]
You're going to have to figure this one out on your own, I'm afraid.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Does it matter?
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[Sigh.]
AND I GUESS IF I WANTED YOU TO BE OKAY I SHOULDN'T HAVE STARTED ANY OF THIS.
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He opens them and says matter-of-factly:]
I'll be fine.
[This has no specific meaning, so it doesn't mean much more than, "I won't die of heartbreak in space." Ford will go on, whatever that looks like.
He doesn't want this to be over. Doesn't want to just...go back to being enemies. He worked so hard, sacrificed so much, in the circumstances leading up to this, and...and in one five-minute conversation, it's all gone. Maybe forever.
It's got to be, though.]
Besides, if you hadn't started this, where would I be? I'd probably never have realized the truth about Gravity Falls. I might already have gone back, never knowing that I'd never get to sail around the world with Stanley, or see the kids grow up. I might've been okay, but I wouldn't have been real. That's important to me.
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[Bill giggles, high and brittle.]
AND I JUST DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S REAL OR WHAT ISN'T. OR IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE WHEN WE FIGURE IT OUT IT CHANGES OUT FROM UNDER US! OR IT'S ALL BEEN A BIG, STUPID CONTRIVED PLOT TO KEEP US TOGETHER AND ENTERTAINING THE CROWD AND KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE!
[More loopy laughing. This bout is just not going to stop until it's interrupted.]
BUT - HAHA - IT'S NOT WORKING BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT! HAHAHAHAHA-
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[It's sharp.]
Bill, stop that. You just got through saying you weren't sure of any of your conclusions, so stop jumping to them for five minutes while we figure out what the heck we're going to do about us!
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[Bill blinks hard a few times, wipes away a tear. Hears Mabel's voice in the back of his head: An apology's supposed to be about the person you hurt, not yourself!]
I'VE JUST BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS THE WHOLE TIME YOU'VE BEEN GONE, AND THIS IS ALL I'VE GOT.
[Bill's point sets itself on the tabletop, and he keeps talking, gesturing up at Ford anyway.]
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING. EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I ACCOMPLISHED WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD NEVER BEEN TO EARTH AT ALL, DID YOU KNOW THAT? QUENTIN TOLD ME THAT! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE IF YOU LEAVE, BUT I THINK YOU'RE MAKING THE RIGHT CALL. I, hahah, I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF ANY OF THIS BECOMES CLEARER.
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[It's very funny that he's such a mess, and Bill snickers.
Learn about the cosmos? Eh. He already gathers so much information just by having his eyes...]
SERVES ME RIGHT, HUH? I THINK I CAN ANSWER YOUR QUESTION FROM BEFORE. YOU DIDN'T LOSE, I LOST. I LOST TWICE! HAHAH, AHAHAHA...
[This isn't right. This is making it about himself. This isn't how you apologise. But he can't stop, his mouth just keeps running.]
I CAN'T EVEN BE MAD AT YOU FOR KILLING ME. I'M THE ONE THAT STARTED IT. I CAN'T EVEN BE MAD AT YOU FOR THIS, BECAUSE YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! I JUST FELL FOR MY OWN STUPID HYPE. LIKE I'VE EVER HAD AN EMOTION THAT WASN'T A SADISTIC JOKE!
[Bill doubles over again, laughing some more.]
AW, FORDSY.
[He goes still, looks up, eye watery from laughter.]
I LIKED PRETENDING. I LIKED WHO I WAS WITH YOU.
[Likes it a lot better than who it turns out he really is.]
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The multiverse can take care of itself for a while. Even if Ford could -- even if he had the emotional bandwidth to help here -- he doesn't trust himself not to make yet another colossal social mistake. He shakes his head and stands up, looking down at Bill perched on the chair. His mind's made up. He's got to go.]
You're going to have to figure this one out on your own, I'm afraid.
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[But it was nice while it lasted. Bill forces him a watery smile, floats upwards.]
IT'S YOUR PROGRAM! I'LL GO.
[Hang out and look at the stars a bit, it's cool.]
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Damn it.