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The drill-bit hits the skull plate with a clang -- Ford winces -- and bounces back a few inches. Ford waves it away and it disappears in a puff of magical glittery smoke.
"Not going to happen," he says grimly. Not only does Ford mistrust Bill by default, the plate was put in his head for a reason, by the Oracle herself. Ford trusts her, no matter what Bill might have to say about her, and isn't going to undo her work. "You can't tempt me with a shortcut twice, Bill. I'd rather do this the long way for weeks than spend one minute letting you back into my mind."
"Not going to happen," he says grimly. Not only does Ford mistrust Bill by default, the plate was put in his head for a reason, by the Oracle herself. Ford trusts her, no matter what Bill might have to say about her, and isn't going to undo her work. "You can't tempt me with a shortcut twice, Bill. I'd rather do this the long way for weeks than spend one minute letting you back into my mind."
Demons literally only want one thing and it's disgusting.
"DID I MENTION A DEAL? NO. I COULDN'T GET IN EVEN IF YOU LET ME!"
What else can he do here besides runes against spellwork? Wiping all of Ford's memories of Bill might sever at least one link but that's a pretty big chunk to remove and he'd never go for it anyway. Can't change the fact that they're from the same universe, can't change the fact that they've inhabited the same body.
"HMM, SPELLS. ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN, HOW BAD WOULD IT BE IF WE TURNED ALL YOUR BLOOD INTO AMMONIA FOR A SECOND?"
"DID I MENTION A DEAL? NO. I COULDN'T GET IN EVEN IF YOU LET ME!"
What else can he do here besides runes against spellwork? Wiping all of Ford's memories of Bill might sever at least one link but that's a pretty big chunk to remove and he'd never go for it anyway. Can't change the fact that they're from the same universe, can't change the fact that they've inhabited the same body.
"HMM, SPELLS. ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN, HOW BAD WOULD IT BE IF WE TURNED ALL YOUR BLOOD INTO AMMONIA FOR A SECOND?"
Ford wiggles a hand ambivalently, pulling a sideways face.
"Eh, seven or eight."
"Eh, seven or eight."
"SEE, CLEARLY THE SPELL NEEDED BLOOD! PUTTING THE LOST BLOOD BACK INTO YOUR BODY IS A BAD IDEA - YOU DON'T WANT WHAT'S ON HIS FLOOR TO BE IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM - BUT IF YOU'RE BLEEDING SOMETHING THAT'LL BREAK THE CIRCLE INSTEAD OF ENHANCING IT ..."
Bill drifts off into mutters and turns around to start drawing glowing symbols in the air, checking some complicated math.
Bill drifts off into mutters and turns around to start drawing glowing symbols in the air, checking some complicated math.
"Oh - well, I was talking about, you know, emotionally, but there's a private suite in the back with power nullification like zero has, I'll put a note on your chart to always put you in that one, if you aren't able to request it for yourself."
Because wow, that doesn't sound like it's ever gonna help.
Because wow, that doesn't sound like it's ever gonna help.
Ford clears his throat, curling a fist in front of his mouth. "That would be appreciated," he says gruffly. "Dealing with a death toll is much easier when I can sleep in peace."
Heyyy who has two thumbs plus ten more fingers and isn't bringing the idea that Bill's getting to him emotionally back up? This guy.
Heyyy who has two thumbs plus ten more fingers and isn't bringing the idea that Bill's getting to him emotionally back up? This guy.
"C'mon, man, just start somewhere, don't make me ask unfair psychic pointed questions," Dillon says, sounding his age for maybe the first time.
"Although - you wanna go somewhere else? This is a lot less an office thing."
It's not security, it's just...concern.
"Although - you wanna go somewhere else? This is a lot less an office thing."
It's not security, it's just...concern.
"In that case, there's no need to change all of my blood into a caustic chemical," Ford says, stepping up to look over Bill's shoulder at the math. "Just the bit I've already bled out. If we can control the reaction so it only happens when exposed to the open air..."
It would also be a very convenient solution when out of household cleaner. Just drop some blood in a spray bottle and dilute it and he'd be set.
It would also be a very convenient solution when out of household cleaner. Just drop some blood in a spray bottle and dilute it and he'd be set.
Edited 2018-06-29 20:11 (UTC)
Ford waves a hand carelessly. "This room is fine," he says. As long as the door's shut and no one's going to overhear, he doesn't care where they talk.
Ford's felt very heavy very often lately, and the breath he lets out as he considers what to tell is not an exception. What does he say?
"I can't leave now," he says. "Everyone I've talked to has told me to ignore Bill and focus on my own graduation, but don't you see? As long as he's out there, in the hands of an Admiral who is running from his own incompetence, I can't go back! What am I supposed to do, pretend I don't know that he's still out there, ready to destroy another universe?"
He doesn't trust the Admiral. He and Bill have plans to get away and find another one. They would have done exactly that in the Bargeyard if the Admiral hadn't brought them back on board by force. Ford feels personally responsible for Bill, whether it ends in death or graduation. He is putting off his own revival until it does.
Ford's felt very heavy very often lately, and the breath he lets out as he considers what to tell is not an exception. What does he say?
"I can't leave now," he says. "Everyone I've talked to has told me to ignore Bill and focus on my own graduation, but don't you see? As long as he's out there, in the hands of an Admiral who is running from his own incompetence, I can't go back! What am I supposed to do, pretend I don't know that he's still out there, ready to destroy another universe?"
He doesn't trust the Admiral. He and Bill have plans to get away and find another one. They would have done exactly that in the Bargeyard if the Admiral hadn't brought them back on board by force. Ford feels personally responsible for Bill, whether it ends in death or graduation. He is putting off his own revival until it does.
Bill sees no reason to stop this train of logic. All of that sounds fine.
"HUHHH."
Bill rubs under his eye where a chin would be - this is actually a borrowed gesture, he's just doing it without thinking.
"YEAH, I CAN DO THAT! HERE - "
He tosses a whiteboard marker over his shoulder for Ford to catch.
"WRITE OUT THE CHEMICAL FORMULAS FOR BOTH, WE'RE GONNA NEED 'EM TO REFER TO. I THINK I CAN GIVE YOU SOMETHING THAT UNBINDS ROPES AND LOCKS, BUT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK ON ANYTHING MAGICAL OR MANUFACTURED AFTER 2100 OR SO."
There's no actual reason it wouldn't work on those, but if Ford doesn't think it'll work on them, that'll give Bill a way to imprison him again. Never know when he's gonna need another bubble-breaking equation!
"HUHHH."
Bill rubs under his eye where a chin would be - this is actually a borrowed gesture, he's just doing it without thinking.
"YEAH, I CAN DO THAT! HERE - "
He tosses a whiteboard marker over his shoulder for Ford to catch.
"WRITE OUT THE CHEMICAL FORMULAS FOR BOTH, WE'RE GONNA NEED 'EM TO REFER TO. I THINK I CAN GIVE YOU SOMETHING THAT UNBINDS ROPES AND LOCKS, BUT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK ON ANYTHING MAGICAL OR MANUFACTURED AFTER 2100 OR SO."
There's no actual reason it wouldn't work on those, but if Ford doesn't think it'll work on them, that'll give Bill a way to imprison him again. Never know when he's gonna need another bubble-breaking equation!
Ford catches it and gets to work, scribbling glowing numbers and letters in the air. As he goes, he says, "Yes, yes. That'll be useful. Hmm, how potent should the transformed ammonia be?" he asks, taking a step back and rubbing his own chin, looking the chemical formulas over. "If we make it too strong, it might burn my skin and aggravate the wound it's bleeding from, something I'd like to avoid. Then again, a more concentrated solution might serve as a deterrent for breaking my skin at all."
He's completely serious.
"Luckily, Tesla draws blood intravenously, so this shouldn't affect our arrangement."
He's completely serious.
"Luckily, Tesla draws blood intravenously, so this shouldn't affect our arrangement."
Edited 2018-06-30 00:36 (UTC)
Damn. In that case...
"WELL, IF YOU WANT WE CAN MAKE IT SO YOU GOTTA SAY A SPELL TO MAKE IT CHANGE! BUT THAT WON'T WORK IF THEY KNOCK YOU OUT. OOH, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MAKING IT HIGH-PRESSURE SO IT SHOOTS OUT REALLY FAST?"
Bill dashes off a fast PSI measurement into the spell that is truly, truly overkill and might just kill Ford with fire hose blood loss if he gets a cut.
"WELL, IF YOU WANT WE CAN MAKE IT SO YOU GOTTA SAY A SPELL TO MAKE IT CHANGE! BUT THAT WON'T WORK IF THEY KNOCK YOU OUT. OOH, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MAKING IT HIGH-PRESSURE SO IT SHOOTS OUT REALLY FAST?"
Bill dashes off a fast PSI measurement into the spell that is truly, truly overkill and might just kill Ford with fire hose blood loss if he gets a cut.
"Gah!" Ford says with a grimace as he looks at the PSI measurement and has a vivid flash of just what that would be like. "No! I'd lose far too much blood. At that rate I might as well deal with the ammonia burns, because at least those won't kill me!"
Ford pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. "Unless we find a way to get around the chemical burns that doesn't lead to my untimely death, I'm not sure the ammonia idea is viable."
Ford pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. "Unless we find a way to get around the chemical burns that doesn't lead to my untimely death, I'm not sure the ammonia idea is viable."
"And I'd never run out of cleaning solution," Ford says, in a tone of genuine regret.
He considers the glowing math a moment, thinking it all over. Then, he crooks his hand at Bill.
"Give me the spell to change it myself. Without the pressurization."
He considers the glowing math a moment, thinking it all over. Then, he crooks his hand at Bill.
"Give me the spell to change it myself. Without the pressurization."
"That depends on what you have in mind," Ford says, in the tone of someone who is considering something sensible and nontoxic, like a saline solution.
Listen, the ammonia was a good joke, but if Ford's not going to stop him he actually gets nothing out of messing with what little trust he's already managed to eke out. It's not a hard judgement call even with completely cold logic.
"DOESN'T MATTER! THE IMPORTANT PART IS THAT IT'S SOMETHING MAGICALLY USELESS AND WILL MESS UP SOMEONE'S CIRCLE! WHAT ABOUT INK? YOU'D GET A KICK OUT OF THAT, I BET."
"DOESN'T MATTER! THE IMPORTANT PART IS THAT IT'S SOMETHING MAGICALLY USELESS AND WILL MESS UP SOMEONE'S CIRCLE! WHAT ABOUT INK? YOU'D GET A KICK OUT OF THAT, I BET."
Joking with Ford Pines is hard. When it isn't a joke, he will often assume it is, and when it actually is one, he'll take it without blinking. Especially in this case, because the man's become positively blase about injury and death.
And, apparently, turning his blood to ink.
There's a spark of irritation about the fact that Bill knows him well enough to predict that yes, yes he thinks that bleeding ink would be cool. His eyes narrow and he looks at Bill sideways. He's considering it, but irked that Bill nailed it.
"It's still not an ideal substance to have sitting around in an open wound," Ford says slowly, "but if most of it could be kept safely out of my bloodstream, it just might work."
And, apparently, turning his blood to ink.
There's a spark of irritation about the fact that Bill knows him well enough to predict that yes, yes he thinks that bleeding ink would be cool. His eyes narrow and he looks at Bill sideways. He's considering it, but irked that Bill nailed it.
"It's still not an ideal substance to have sitting around in an open wound," Ford says slowly, "but if most of it could be kept safely out of my bloodstream, it just might work."
Edited 2018-07-01 13:35 (UTC)
The funny part of the joke would have been Ford getting mad at him for suggesting it. Oh well.
Ford writes more than he cleans, if he's anything like he used to be. It's not a hard leap to ink.
"NOTHING IS IDEAL TO HAVE SITTING IN AN OPEN WOUND!"
Except literally nothing -
Bill's eye brightens.
"GOT IT! THIS'LL WORK."
He shoos away the divided circle and point symbol of alkali volatile and draws in a simpler one: upwards triangle, split by a line. The rest of the spell squiggles around. Bill has made the process much more complicated and fiddly trying to get a liquid to turn to air for no reason.
"JUST MAKE IT DISSOLVE TO HYDROGEN. OF COURSE, IF THEY THINK YOU'RE JUST NOT BLEEDING THEY MIGHT STAB YOU SOMEWHERE ELSE..."
But that's a sacrifice Bill is willing to make. Most sacrifices involving Ford getting injured he's just dandy with.
Ford writes more than he cleans, if he's anything like he used to be. It's not a hard leap to ink.
"NOTHING IS IDEAL TO HAVE SITTING IN AN OPEN WOUND!"
Except literally nothing -
Bill's eye brightens.
"GOT IT! THIS'LL WORK."
He shoos away the divided circle and point symbol of alkali volatile and draws in a simpler one: upwards triangle, split by a line. The rest of the spell squiggles around. Bill has made the process much more complicated and fiddly trying to get a liquid to turn to air for no reason.
"JUST MAKE IT DISSOLVE TO HYDROGEN. OF COURSE, IF THEY THINK YOU'RE JUST NOT BLEEDING THEY MIGHT STAB YOU SOMEWHERE ELSE..."
But that's a sacrifice Bill is willing to make. Most sacrifices involving Ford getting injured he's just dandy with.
This is a man who set his face on fire instead of shaving even before the other Bill messed with his ideas about dying horribly and how it really isn't so bad once you get used to it.
"Perfect!" he exclaims, placing his hands on his hips and looking the formula over. "That'll render all attempts at blood magic completely useless, and won't give me a case of ink poisoning."
"Perfect!" he exclaims, placing his hands on his hips and looking the formula over. "That'll render all attempts at blood magic completely useless, and won't give me a case of ink poisoning."
Ford nods, committing the pattern to memory. He'll find somewhere suitable to put it. Somewhere less obvious than the lining of his coat, since this is a last-resort kind of deal rather than the first line of defense. Inside the clothes, maybe inside a pocket or on a sock.
"Let's see. There's the magic nullification runes, the blood-to-ammonia spell, the blood-to-hydrogen glyph, and an unlocking spell," Ford rattles off, counting them on his fingers. "Is there anything else I should know that will help me stop your enemies from killing me to get to you?"
"Let's see. There's the magic nullification runes, the blood-to-ammonia spell, the blood-to-hydrogen glyph, and an unlocking spell," Ford rattles off, counting them on his fingers. "Is there anything else I should know that will help me stop your enemies from killing me to get to you?"
"DON'T DO AMMONIA IF YOU'RE GONNA DO HYDROGEN, THAT WON'T MIX WELL!"
Hmm. Is there anything else?
"WELL, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE -"
Bill shoots finger-guns at Ford and gives him a little glowy blocking shield over his forearm.
"AND ...WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SPELL OUT OF DUNGEONS, DUNGEONS, AND MORE DUNGEONS?"
Hmm. Is there anything else?
"WELL, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE -"
Bill shoots finger-guns at Ford and gives him a little glowy blocking shield over his forearm.
"AND ...WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SPELL OUT OF DUNGEONS, DUNGEONS, AND MORE DUNGEONS?"
Obviously not, he can't turn his blood into both at once. They're a one at a time deal.
The little buckler appears, and Ford starts: he looks at it in surprise, then turns his arm around to examine it from a few more angles. He's still trying to figure it out when Bill mentions DD&MD, and he answers half-distracted by the mechanics of the magic shield. "Mm, hard to say. There's plenty of spells I used to use back in the day -- Generic Magic Blast, Prestochangatation, Raise Undead -- I've always been fond of Mallefluvius's Rope Trick. But what does that have to do with this?" Look man, give him the opportunity to nerd out and he'll nerd first and ask questions later.
The little buckler appears, and Ford starts: he looks at it in surprise, then turns his arm around to examine it from a few more angles. He's still trying to figure it out when Bill mentions DD&MD, and he answers half-distracted by the mechanics of the magic shield. "Mm, hard to say. There's plenty of spells I used to use back in the day -- Generic Magic Blast, Prestochangatation, Raise Undead -- I've always been fond of Mallefluvius's Rope Trick. But what does that have to do with this?" Look man, give him the opportunity to nerd out and he'll nerd first and ask questions later.
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